Help. Just found out dh having affair. How do I confront him?

[Rocketman2]

I want to confront him but how. I don’t want him to weezle out of it.

I feel sick. I can’t wait and sleep on it as I’m going to not be able to contain it. I’m visibly shaking and keep thinking I’m going to be sick.

it’s got to be today. Omg my heart is broken

hugs OP !!!! Can you feign illness and go to bed. Headache ? Sickness ? take the dog for a walk?

get some space to have a think about your position and what spilling would mean to you. Only you know. Mumsnetters can tell you all the best things to do, but it is your choice.

And if he is a high earner then imagine he might turn nasty quick.

what is he like with people that piss him off ? That will be you when you tell him you know.

If you have children, think of them first, yourself second. If this affair will fizzle out and your self esteem can bear it, you can rebuild. There are some families whose lives improved after divorce but plenty whose did not. Make sure you're in the former category before burning bridges.

Above all, don't tell anyone about this except for a very trusted friend. Once it's out, you'll be both judged in perpetuity.

Isn't it obvious?
OP's already said she suspected an affair.
It could be said that the means justifies the end in this case.
Perhaps focus on helping OP in her absolute shock and panic to decide what to do?

I wouldn't want to live with a man who cheats for long. Gathering together important paperwork and info makes it easier in terms of the divorce process as the OP can give the solicitor the full picture in terms of joint assets/ liabilities and will be able to effectively advise her on the likely best settlement and be able to start the all rolling on the legal process. Ducks in a row is just a preparation phase to arm the OP and any other woman in her position.

Good point.

He will lie OP.

think about when you confront and what you want to move forwards

Sorry, yes, I can totally understand collating paperwork, although most of our important stuff is online and we don’t have much in terms of paperwork so easy to forget.

I think it’s the gathering info regarding the affair, e.g. screenshotting the messages that made me wonder. If you’re certain of the affair, I can’t imagine staying and pretending all is well, whilst you keep secretly reading what’s going on behind your back. That would break me. And I wondered if there was any valid point to actually doing this that I was missing.

If you can try and get out of the house for a whole, get some fresh air and clear your head. Something made you check his phone, you know he's having an affair, nothing will change the situation today. Think about what you want to do, if you want to confront him today and ask him to leave that's fine, if you want a few says to plan the future that's also fine and take a say off work if you're feeling very upset and stressed. Whatever you do don't blame yourself, he's a liar and a cheat.

I checked his phone because a family me ever saw him writing a text to a woman.

I never have before. But they begged me to find out

Maybe at the moment the focus should be on supporting the OP rather than excoriating her for having checked her husbands phone. He's the one who has done something thing wrong here...

He's a high earner. As soon as he knows the game is up, he will realise that 50% of his assets are under threat. The gloves will come off, and he will start to hide his his money and investments to prevent his wife receiving her fair share. He will also destroy or delete anything that could be used against him down the line.

That’s odd. How would anyone know whether someone was texting a woman or not?!

My DH is sitting next to me and texting someone now-I have no idea who he is texting!

Anyway, that’s besides the point. There has been some good advice on here. Have you got anyone to talk to about this-family? Friends? I would be seriously thinking about getting a job.

In an ideal world, yes we'd all discuss it openly and honestly, like mature adults.
Unfortunately, people who are having affairs tend to deny, deny, deny, lie, lie, lie, gaslight, gaslight, gaslight, until there is some irrefutable proof.
OP has at least been proactive and can now move things along in whatever way she decides.
The 'crime' of checking a phone is much less morally wrong than having an affair.
Just for the record, I've never checked a partner's phone. And I watch Eastenders occasionally.

I'm so sorry, OP. I can completely understand why you need to confront him straightaway. If it was me, I would gather as much of the information that other people have suggested in the next hour or two and then speak to him. If the messages you have seen don't give any doubt at all that he's been having an affair, then I would want him out of the house today and would get the locks changed tonight.

Hi op

Sorry you are going through this. I have been through the same. Ignore the questions about why you were going through his phone. You had your own reasons I'm sure. I did the same as I had my suspicions and I found out that he was having an affair so by that point the reasons why are neither here nor there.

Like some others have said, I think confronting him might lead to him jumping to his defences as they panic.

I confronted and was met with 'if your paranoia continues about this then you'll break up our marriage' (I can laugh about this statement it and others like it 15 years later) but at the time the whole thing was utterly devastating.

I do wonder if I should have waited a little longer and not said anything straight away but it's extremely difficult to act normally with someone whilst you organise your own thoughts. I think feeling Ill / going to bed is good advice.. however to give yourself more space I would advise (if you have the option) a few days away to go and see a trusted friend / family member who 'needs you' last minute. It gives you time and space away from him to try and get your head in order (impossible I know but better than being in the same house). If you have kids then take them with you. Not as much headspace but at least you are away from him for a bit.

Also the best thing I did was book an hour long appointment with a family law firm. You don't have to act on anything they say at all and I know it probably feels far too soon as you are in shock... but it does give you an idea of what would likely happen if .... xyz happens. I took a friend and she as brilliant (as I fell apart in the meeting).

If you feel you have to confront him as soon as you see him then do so but just know that people having affairs have already had months (or however long) of lying and deceiving so don't expect the truth even when the evidence is refutable.

I found Mumsnet a brilliant support throughout the whole period - it's the reason I stumbled across it in the first place years ago. There are so many people on here who have dealt with the same. Good luck whatever you decide to do

Also (and I genuinely don't know the answer to this)

Is it legal to get the locks changed when the house is in joint names. Is it more of a symbolic act? Logistically it's not going to keep someone out for long anywsy surely? I ask as I see it advised on here a lot but I always question it from a legal and logistical perspective.

Do ignore the mra trolls, they are drawn here like moths to a flame. Don't feed them, it gives them thrills...

All this.
Do not confront him today.💐

That might not even be the case, OP hasn't said how long they have been married, if they have children or given any information. She could be entitled to very little if the husband owned the house before they were married and haven't been married very long with no children.

Most divorces are 50% of assets accrued during the marriage and his having an affair can't be used against him.

There is a likely reason the OP has taken the approach she has, she may have attempted 'grown up' conversations before and been met with less than adult responses. As we don't have much information to go on, its worth suspending judgement but certainly asking the question? It seems there is a power difference here if husband holds a lot of the resources and the OP is not in a comparable position. Regardless of prior suspicions, the reality of seeing evidence is likely to be very shocking particular as the implications of what has been found begin to connect. OP can the person who encouraged you to check up be a support to you at this time? Can you get some time away to collect your thoughts and get some advice? How safe do you feel in speaking to your husband about this?

Forewarned is forearmed. Arm yourself.

You need to be in control. You're struggling to put a sentence together today. You shouldn't confront him while you're in such a vulnerable position.

I just wanted to post and to offer you, (if you're a person that accepts virtual hugs), a MASSIVE virtual hug. What a horrible shock for you. Your head must be all over the place. Take some deep breaths, some time for yourself - as others have said, feign illness if need be until your adrenaline levels settle. Take any real life support you can. You are going to be OK xx

Because men who are cheating on their wives are bound to fess up immediately and be endlessly reasonable about the whole situation 🙄