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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help. Just found out dh having affair. How do I confront him?

205 replies

Rocketman2 · 28/07/2024 10:58

I want to confront him but how. I don’t want him to weezle out of it.

I feel sick. I can’t wait and sleep on it as I’m going to not be able to contain it. I’m visibly shaking and keep thinking I’m going to be sick.

it’s got to be today. Omg my heart is broken

OP posts:
AGodawfulsmallaffair · 29/07/2024 06:14

whichfan · 28/07/2024 11:16

i wouldn’t focus on the “confronting”

i would be squirrelling away in the background getting everything sorted so that when i do leave him… I have everything sorted my end

Yep. Only way.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 29/07/2024 06:18

I’m sorry op, just read your update, so awful for you and your daughter. You’ve both been amazing though.

Sunflowergirl1 · 29/07/2024 06:19

I suspect you won’t regret it him going. My friend tried to make it work after he begged but 5 years on couldn’t do it any more. Said it was in her head every day. She is really happy now as well

Violettateal · 29/07/2024 06:26

whichfan · 28/07/2024 11:16

i wouldn’t focus on the “confronting”

i would be squirrelling away in the background getting everything sorted so that when i do leave him… I have everything sorted my end

Absolutely this

Zanatdy · 29/07/2024 06:28

Your poor DD. She must feel so conflicted and upset but she did the right thing in telling you. I bet your ‘D’h is racking his brains to work out how you know. Arsehole

Luddite26 · 29/07/2024 06:31

Good luck today. 💐

Mxflamingnoravera · 29/07/2024 07:02

Op I've been where you are. It's hell. You've had some great suggestions here. I hate to say this but if he's packed a bag and gone, it'll be to her, or a place where he can see her and start the process of denigrating you into psycho woman.

You need your family around you and for them to close ranks. You need a solicitor and start planning your next steps.

It will get better, but it might get worse first. Prepare for your emotional response to be all over the place for quite a while, 26 years is a lot of years to process the loss of. I'm so sorry. Keep on keeping on.

MsDogLady · 29/07/2024 07:07

@Rocketman2, you’ve posted on another thread that DD might meet up with H today. He had messaged her that ‘it’s not what it looks like,’ and she replied, ‘I need answers.’ She is telling you that ‘if he doesn’t own up she will walk away for good.’

With respect, he should be coming clean to you, and DD should not be serving as your go-between or advisor. Yes, she saw him messaging OW and came to you as she should, but the discussions about his infidelity need to be between the two of you. He will undoubtedly gaslight her via denial, downplaying, and blame-shifting.

stormstormystormstorm · 29/07/2024 07:36

I hope that your DD is ok. I would be planning lots of little treats with her. This isn't her fault.

Ifyouinsistthen · 29/07/2024 07:53

One thing you should be so incredibly proud of is your DD - you’ve raised a strong woman.

Zonder · 29/07/2024 07:53

I'm glad that at least you know now and can start rebuilding life for you and DD.

SherryPalmer · 29/07/2024 08:14

I’ve been in a similar position. If you still have access to enough money I would speak to a counsellor as well as a solicitor urgently. Both will be able to provide you with the practical advice you need right now. This is sadly not an uncommon situation and there is professional help available (although sadly not likely for free). The next few months/year will be really hard but eventually it will get easier. There’s no way you can be in a relationship with someone doing something that dishonest and not have been emotionally affected/harmed by it even before you officially “knew”. There will come a point where you will realise that you are better off without him.

Mrsredlipstick · 29/07/2024 08:18

Good morning @Rocketman2
I'm not sure I could have held that knowledge in either. Well done to your (adult?) DD. Mine is a huge feminist and would do the same if she caught her dad doing the dirty.
Knowledge is power and your H is starting to hide things with the changing of passwords. Make sure you do the same.
There is a tiger divorce lawyer in Cheltenham called Barbara. Two of my friends retained her. I'll leave you to look her up.
In a long marriage you will not be on the bread line and can get a pretty cottage or super flat if you're in London. Just watch out for men seeking wealthy divorcees. Keep that business to yourself.
Your daughter has got your back and that is fantastic. Start planning a happy new life. In my earlier post I asked did you want to forgive him, it seems not. Perhaps he has been hard work. 'she who marries money, earns it everyday'. Not sure of the author of that one.
Enjoy your freedom and remember men who get a disinterested response from women find that very attractive /frustrating. I'd be totally cold and practical. Good luck today.

renomeno · 29/07/2024 09:05

He will have been asking where you got the info from to check it wasn't the affair partner stirring things... sorry you're going through this

Kitcat122 · 29/07/2024 09:34

This was me 18 months ago. 26 years together and 4 children. Mine spent the whole time just saying "How did you know that? I was the same said it didn't matter. He left to move straight in with OW. It's crushing but you will come through the other side. Sending love ❤️

MadinMarch · 29/07/2024 09:38

renomeno · 29/07/2024 09:05

He will have been asking where you got the info from to check it wasn't the affair partner stirring things... sorry you're going through this

...Or to work out how little or what he has to confess to...

I agree with the pp that he should be talking direct to OP and not his DD about the matter.

imfae · 29/07/2024 10:24

I am so sorry OP for what you and your daughter are going through . Do not beat yourself up for what you have done to confront him and when you did it . You have done absolutely nothing wrong here , it was all on him .

I think in an ideal world we would would all wait " to get our ducks in a row " etc but that doesn't take into account the mental anguish and pain and suffering you experience when you have been betrayed .
The American site - surviving infidelity is often mentioned on this site so you should have a look through that .

As others have said , start some counselling for you and get a solicitor's appointment as soon as you feel up to it . If you have a close friend who would be willing to go with you for support that would be ideal .

Look after yourself and your daughter . I would try and keep your daughter out of any more of the details if you can . You can try and answer her questions , if she has any but I would try and be brief .she will also feel pain about finding out and how she did so .

Do the bare minimum , eating , sleeping , try and keep hydrated . Tell those family / friends who can support you .

I think you have to accept now , even though you have had a long marriage that your husband is no longer someone you can trust with the truth .

I have read about " cognitive dissonance " where essentially the cheating spouse will try and frame things in such a way that they didn't do anything wrong . They do so as they don't want to come across as a "bad person " even in their own mind .

You are in shock now , your H has checked out of the relationship and will be prioritising the OW .

I don't know what your position is about the marriage . That is not something you have to decide on immediately , or if you decide one way that you can't later change that . It may be that your H has already gone to the OW and that he doesn't want to work on the marriage . This could of course change when the reality sets in . You have to do what is best for you and I think you have to factor in not only the cheating but how your H is treating you now .

Take care . FlowersFlowersFlowers

gardenmusic · 29/07/2024 10:42

He is meeting with your daughter, be prepared for this to somehow be your fault.

MissMoneyFairy · 29/07/2024 10:58

gardenmusic · 29/07/2024 10:42

He is meeting with your daughter, be prepared for this to somehow be your fault.

And try to weedle out of it to get her onside, he will press her to say how you found out, I'd try and keep her out of it.

mansviewpoint · 29/07/2024 10:59

Rocketman2 · 29/07/2024 05:05

It breaks me to think my husband is not my friend.

I’ve just got into his emails. And can see he’s booked a hotel for a few nights. He’s also changed his appleID. He asked earlier if I’d hacked into his Apple id to see his messages. I again repeated ‘I owe you nothing’. (Obvs I hadn’t. Wasn’t that hard. I just picked his phone up!)

I'm a bit hesitant to suggest this, because it seems unfair on you, but your dd is going to need reassurance that what she did was right. It was you who acted on it, you who already had your suspicion. She's had a person she really admired cheat on a person she adores. I'm not sure of her age and I'd she lives with you, but you both need to heal and remember to be strong together. Not only did ge cheat on you but cheated on her as well. He's cheated on the image she had of him. Obviously I'm not belittling what you are going through, but there is a lot of readily available advice and professionals for you, but sometimes the children are overlooked by those professionals, CAMHS is completely overloaded and so are teaching staff. Again that's very dependant on her age.

TheNuthatch · 29/07/2024 11:59

I'm sorry OP, you must feel crushed. Your poor daughter 😢.
His reaction is quite telling though. No guilt, shame or remorse. Just pissed off that you found out.
He has now taken himself off to a hotel leaving you in tatters. He will spend today speaking to the OW and trying to keep your dd on side. He has basically immediately gone into self preservation mode, you need to do the same op.

Watch your daughter like a hawk! She may need some help with this when the dust settles. Please keep her out of this mess as much as possible, it will harm her in the long run.

BESTAUNTB · 29/07/2024 12:12

What a scumbag. I am very sorry. Your daughter sounds great.

I would tell him that the OW told you about the affair, just to cause trouble for a couple of days, but I am puerile like that OP.

Cinnamonginger · 29/07/2024 12:25

MsDogLady · 29/07/2024 07:07

@Rocketman2, you’ve posted on another thread that DD might meet up with H today. He had messaged her that ‘it’s not what it looks like,’ and she replied, ‘I need answers.’ She is telling you that ‘if he doesn’t own up she will walk away for good.’

With respect, he should be coming clean to you, and DD should not be serving as your go-between or advisor. Yes, she saw him messaging OW and came to you as she should, but the discussions about his infidelity need to be between the two of you. He will undoubtedly gaslight her via denial, downplaying, and blame-shifting.

Edited

which other thread please? I would like to look at it too.

op- so sorry about this.

MsDogLady · 29/07/2024 15:59

@Cinnamonginger, a thread in AIBU called ‘When Will It Hit Me? Husband Possible Affair’ from May.

Really, @Rocketman2, whatever he spews when ‘explaining’ to your daughter will be designed for manipulation and can damage her. He will lie, minimize and gaslight. He could blame-shift that you are at fault or perhaps alcohol, feign stress at work, or claim a moment of madness. He could claim that OW is a friend who needed his support but lines blurred and he didn’t know how to get out of it. He could say he made a huge mistake and wants to make amends. He will play on her heartstrings to get her onside.

Your daughter doesn’t need to hear any of that. It is highly inappropriate for her to take on the role of her parents’ confessor, advisor or counselor.

Cinnamonginger · 29/07/2024 16:03

MsDogLady · 29/07/2024 15:59

@Cinnamonginger, a thread in AIBU called ‘When Will It Hit Me? Husband Possible Affair’ from May.

Really, @Rocketman2, whatever he spews when ‘explaining’ to your daughter will be designed for manipulation and can damage her. He will lie, minimize and gaslight. He could blame-shift that you are at fault or perhaps alcohol, feign stress at work, or claim a moment of madness. He could claim that OW is a friend who needed his support but lines blurred and he didn’t know how to get out of it. He could say he made a huge mistake and wants to make amends. He will play on her heartstrings to get her onside.

Your daughter doesn’t need to hear any of that. It is highly inappropriate for her to take on the role of her parents’ confessor, advisor or counselor.

Thank you!