Help. Just found out dh having affair. How do I confront him?

[Rocketman2]

I want to confront him but how. I don’t want him to weezle out of it.

I feel sick. I can’t wait and sleep on it as I’m going to not be able to contain it. I’m visibly shaking and keep thinking I’m going to be sick.

it’s got to be today. Omg my heart is broken

So that you can make the best possible, unhindered preparations for not living like this, obviously.

Oh shut up and go away

I don’t think you should confront him at all.

Take time to think about your game plan. What do you want to happen now? How can you ensure the future of you and your kids?

Get as much financial info as humanly possible without alerting suspicions. Take all your paperwork to a solicitor and get some advice about the possibilities. Take time to think about what you want- do you want to stay in the house? Do you want to move to your own place? What sort of childcare arrangements and custody arrangements will be needed. Talk to your solicitor and work out the numbers.

Id start detaching mentally too and get some counselling for yourself. Get some friends who are trustworthy who you can speak to. Start thinking about how life will look in the future.

So sorry this has happened. Take the time you need to get used to the information and take the best steps for YOU.

Feign illness immediately and ask him to look after the children today (presuming you have kids). Do you have a spare room you can sleep in tonight, due to being ill. Take laptop with you and try to gather as much financial information as you can.

Book a solicitors appointment in the next day or two. Tell husband you are going to a Drs appointment.

And so sorry this is happening to you. What a punch in the gut 💐

Good for you.

I'd be checking the phone. Because men who cheat are already liars, so I would not be expecting a cheating liar of a man to be honest when confronted.

But, you do you.

OMG I'm so sorry you've found this OP how awful.

I know what it's like when someone cheats on you it's bloody horrendous I've experienced this before and yeah just horrible. Thing is you do need to ask about it because I bet your mind is going crazy and over thinking stuff, you've prob got 101 questions to ask too! 😔 I don't really have much advice just I hope you heal and always remember time is a healer trust me! Focus on yourself and make sure you are seeing friends and family to keep busy otherwise you end up festering at home about it all and it's not good for you or your mental health.

Thinking of you during this difficult time.

Let's not forget that the risk of violence against women increases dramatically when they try to end a relationship. It should never be underestimated what men are capable of when they are found out.

Quietly and calmly. Book solicitors appointment tomorrow. Get more evidence if you can safely do this but if the photos of messages you've got already are clear cut then you've done enough.

@Rocketman2 you must be in shock, hurting, scared, angry, worried. It's an awful place to be. My now ex H had an affair I didn't post on here as I stayed and didn't want endless posts about what people thought I should do. Some people have an agenda, some won't read your posts properly, some won't listen and some won't help.

However, you will get oodles of support and advice too so only need to ask.

My advice is do all you can to be normal today. If you have children tell yourself you are doing it for them as that might help. Then when he's out or at work go through all the paper work and hide it somewhere or take photos/copies.

If you are sure you want a divorce you can file on line and he will get notified. It costs just under £600 and you don't need a solicitor. Make sure you tick that you want financial arrangements/support. Be aware that it says he will be informed in two weeks but my h was told before that. If you file then you control and lead things more. Once he accepts the divorce application nothing happens for 20 weeks.

You need a solicitor for all the financial stuff and possibly child care arrangements if you have them and they are under 18.

Well you might be a superior human but you'd be a really crap private detective.

Yes because when you ask a cheater if they are cheating they always tell the truth

So, hypothetically speaking, if I told you your husband was shagging the next door neighbour and he said "no I'm not" will you accept this as absolute proof that nothing has happened between him and the neighbour and then you carry on with your merry life. (while I know for certain that he is because I saw them in a hotel together last week)

Well won't you look the fool when he pisses off with said neighbour and left you in a sorry mess because you took his word for it.

Get smarter very quickly. You’re clearly a confrontational person and need personable interactions. Save the evidence for now. His admittance means nothing. A SHL is what you need. You need to be covert. Something you admitted you can’t do. Any hotel stays? Any trips. Was he paying for this affair on a card or something else? How much is his pension?

The house. Any other properties? Any shares? Any investments in international vehicles? Money is your justice. Get as much money as you can. You need to not be yourself right now. If I was you, i wouldn’t let him know one bit. Carry on as if you’re still the same. Fake everything- including to a smile to an orgasm if need be. Once your lawyer gets a good grasp of his holdings, wealth and has a good strategy, then serve him with divorce papers and walk away smiling. All men turns nasty when they realise they about to loose 50%. Any kids? If you don’t have any it will be easier to make him an ex husband in your mind.

In an ideal world, a man who is unhappy or dissatisfied in his marriage would deal with it like a grown up, by talking to his wife and trying to work things out or by being up front and honest and leaving the relationship, not by lying, cheating and screwing around. Do you honestly think cheating husband is just going to confess if she asks him?

Men have a secret little défense - it’s known to them all. When confronted, deny, deny, deny. Confronting him is only showing your hand. You must get the finances sorted out just in case. You may decide not to divorce but you must make sure you won’t lose out if it does come to that especially if he’s a high earner.

If you intend to remain in the house depending on your circumstances with children, make sure utilities/ internet/ council tax e etc is in your name as providers will only deal with the person named on the bill. If you will be leaving, put them all in his name.
Start removing your items of value such as jewellery to a safe place such as a friends to look after them until things are sorted, start buying high value gift cards for supermarkets to ensure you are able to feed you and any children in case finances are cut off or reduced while you get into employment or claim benefits to begin with.

OP - Take all the legal advice above, but...

Do you want to try to save your marriage? Or are you willing to cut and run from your current lifestyle to the unknown?

Have you got dependent children (under 18s)?

Why has he looked elsewhere?

Bear in mind that "high value men" are always going to be sought after. You have a fight on your hands every day against all of the other women who want one. This doesn't take away his responsibilities for making the right decisions.

All the above is rhetorical of course.

Oh you poor love. What a shock. I agree with all the great advice from PPs. Don’t confront him today. In fact, remove yourself from him to avoid an outburst.

Say you’re feeling really ill and stay in bed. Better still, leave the house and go to be with family or friends you can trust not to let on (maybe the family member who tipped you off?). Tell him they’re having an urgent personal problem you can’t discuss with him and you need to be with them (not an entire lie).

I know it’s hard with all the emotions, but focus on your objective now. It’s protecting yourself and your future. Even if (and can sometimes happen) you think there’s a slight chance you could overcome this as a couple, proceed on the basis you’ll be divorcing.

That means you’ll need lots of advice, information and evidence. And to be financially able to cope at the point one or both of you moves out, which could be immediately if he’s confronted. Honestly, that could take months, including getting a job and therapy so you can think straight. But, if at all possible, bide your time until you’re there.

If you confront him too soon, it could get worse. He’s clearly a blatant liar and not be be trusted. If there’s another woman who wants to be with him, she’s likely to encourage him to get every penny he can. You have the advantage as he doesn’t know you know. Hang on to that advantage.

Do not change the locks if his name is on the deeds, mortgage or tenancy agreement. Any family solicitor will tell you not to do that.
It is not a legal course of action.

Try everything you can to compose yourself and play for time. Say you. have a migraine if you need to. Use the time to gather information and figure out what you want. It's easier in many ways to do that before the confrontation stage begins. Once he knows that you know, and he knows you are choosing to stay in spite of knowing, he does have the upper hand. The only way you have the upper hand is if he doesn't know you know, or you decide to kick him out (or leave yourself, but don't do that). Gaining the advantage early on makes a big difference to how this plays out.

I'm really sorry to use this kind of strategy-speak - I know your heart is broken and the last thing you want to do is strategise a confrontation. But many people have been where you are and the "play for time" option is sensible.

Time to be hard-headed. If you have kids he may be biding his time until they’ve left education so that he won’t have to pay out as much. Don’t let him dictate the timetable. See a solicitor. Then, look into finding a job. You can emerge from this, I promise.

If he is a high earner and you don't work just carry on as normal. What is the point of financial hardship. But up to you.

OP already said she had suspicions.

Assuming that they still sleep together this would essentially make her a prostitute. You can't be serious

I don't quite agree entirely with this but I do think throwing away a marriage for what might be a fling is questionable.

Trouble is most men are stupid and fail to be discreet.

Just because he's had sex with someone else doesn't mean he doesn't care about his family.
I think because when women cheat there's some element of wanting out of the marriage thus we think men are the same.

Also all this be quiet until ducks in a row business is annoying shit, who the f* can keep their cool in a situation like this for long? It's such la la land advice.
Along with change the locks, chuck him out - er no. You can't just do that if you're married.

Of course it wouldn't. What a silly thing to say. I just don't see the point of rushing to leave and causing your life to be much more stressful than it is already. Think carefully before you act.