Help. Just found out dh having affair. How do I confront him?

[Rocketman2]

I want to confront him but how. I don’t want him to weezle out of it.

I feel sick. I can’t wait and sleep on it as I’m going to not be able to contain it. I’m visibly shaking and keep thinking I’m going to be sick.

it’s got to be today. Omg my heart is broken

@Edingril so you'd be fine if your partner said " no darling I'm not having an affair" and you'd just carry on even though all the signs are there?

You must live in a very happy little air filled bubble!

I’d be getting copies of all bank statements, pensions, life insurance and mortgage agreements. I’d want answers from him and I’d be asking all the questions I want answers to. I’d ask him what his end game was.

Me being me I’d have screenshot the messages onto my phone then forwarded the photos to him

You bear it for a while so when you formally end the marriage you aren't living a life of poverty with full childcare responsibility, devoid of support whilst your ex husband lives an uninterrupted life spending what he likes and laughing as he fails to support his own children.

Honestly, are you new here?

This is a kind of hell.
Suspicion drives the urge to peak at phones that are being used as tools for secrets and lies.Do you wish you had never looked?
I am team line up your ducks. I am doing it right now.
Seek legal advise. If possible gather more proof.
There is always the possibility of forgiveness,I have friends who chose to stay with cheats, but that takes a lot of joint work.
Whatever you choose I am sorry this is happening to you. Im sure there is a lot more to your situation as each one is unique.

I understand the point about having to bear living together for a while, whilst a divorce is sorted, that makes sense financially.

And I understand leaving it long enough to grab paperwork.

My question though was more to do with ‘is there any validity to keeping quiet and getting more evidence of the affair, when you already have evidence of the affair, and are certain that’s what it is’. I think the suggestion was to get more screenshots from the phone, but I wondered if there was any point to this?

Keep your poker face on for as long as you can so that when you do confront him, you’re in as much control as you can be and not an emotional wreck. Voice of stupid experience here. I wish it’s the approach I’d taken!

then I would want him out of the house today and would get the locks changed tonight.

Unless the house is owned by the OP on her own, I would suggest not doing this!

Also without being too nosey, what is an ‘incredibly high earner’ to you?

I am asking for a reason, as it will allow you to be at least guided of at least an idea what it’s likely that financially leaving him will look like, but you’ve used a phrase that is very subjective.

If you don’t work, what life will look like if you leave immediately will depend on whether that’s £100k a year or £1million plus a year - also relevant whether he is an employee or has his own business - if he has his own business what the structure of that business looks like.

If he has his own business there’s masses more scope for him to be a dick and I’d advise getting ducks in order before you let him know you’re onto him. He would be able to stranglehold the money by leaving the money in the business so he doesn’t have the earnings for you to claim etc.

If he’s employed, you know the minimum you will get immediately after leaving is what the CMS calculator tells you.

Obviously in time and via the correct lehal process you’ll get what you’re legally entitled to as his wife but right now, if you had no access at all to your own money you need to understand how that would look before you make any rash moves.

How much joint money do you have access to right now? (I’m not asking you to answer that on here, just to yourself) - move 50% immediately into your own account IF it’s a sufficient chunk for you to live on in the interim until you can get an emergency financial hearing.

If you don’t have access to sufficient funds immediately and he does have his own business rather than being an employee PLEASE don’t blurt anything out, get to a solicitor tomorrow and follow their advice.

So sorry OP.

How long have you been married? Do you have children together?

Whilst I understand the logical approach to gathering information, seeing a solicitor first etc, how could anyone stay under the same roof as their partner, probably sharing a bed, once they know he's been shagging someone else? I know I couldn't do it, whatever the circumstances.

How is this even important?! Why are you victim blaming?!

Don’t act too fast. You’ve had some good advice on this thread

Absolutely. My point was that you can’t just throw the other person out and change the locks unless it’s your house which you own alone.

And for your own health, a check up and no unprotected sex.

If you want to confront him today just calmly sit him down say
"I know about your affair. So where shall we go from here?"

He might be relieved you know as he was trying to end it and OW was making it difficult
He might say he loves OW and wants to leave you

Do you know what you want out of the exposure?

Do you want to stay with him? If it's an option.

What is your relationship like!
Would he do anything to keep you together? Or is it already rocky?

You might be better talking to the family member who suggested you look for evidence first, get your thoughts in order before talking to H.

If you have children they need to be front and centre of any decisions.

If you don't, depending on length of marriage and assets, if you split you are likely to need to reenter employment. You might want to do that anyway now, are you going to be happy going forward if you do stay together being financially dependent on a husband whom is far from trustworthy?

There are many reasons, outcomes of affairs. There are different approaches to saying you know.

Have a think OP, in an ideal world, what do you want the outcome to be? If it's all in your control, divorce, then that's what's going to happen. If it isn't, H gives up affair partner begs eternal forgiveness, that might not.

I’ve definitely tried other means before looking at his phone. I’ve asked. I’ve discussed my concerns. I’ve tried to empathise his lies. He still didn’t answer my questions. So I looked. And I found a message from him to her about their sex together.

Don’t confront him and tell them not to confront him until you have taken all of your legal documents to a solicitor. You need to get all bank documents, loan documents, credit card documents, bills in both names statements, etc. If possible, start transferring all bills and loans into his name except for mortgage and ensure your name is on that one. Don’t give him any idea what’s going on. Sneak all passports, birth certificates, wedding certs, etc and valuables to a trusted friend or family member’s place. On the day you are legally ready (and prepared) to separate formally, transfer 50% of your joint accounts into your own account. In the meantime, now is a great time to start buying extra supermarket gift cards and start storing them for yourself too.

Some men withdraw all financial support once the separation process starts. I’d make sure you have as much “working capital” as you need and a plan about the living arrangements before you think about confronting him. Even if it’s just a case of screenshotting and transferring half the cash from any joint accounts.

Make sure you know where all the money is and you have enough to get by before you ask him to go. Screenshot accounts and take your share and put it someplace that's secure. Change all your account passwords. Have a locksmith ready. Have a plan. If you think he'll get violent, have a male friend with you when you ask him to go.

I am so, so sorry, Rocketman. This must be devastating for you. i cannot add to what has already been said. Find financial details and go to a solicitor. When you know what you are doing, confront your husband. You still haven't said if you have children, I presume you have, or at least one, as you don't work. Think about working again, you can re-train, do a refresher course or find something different that interests you.

Things will get better but I know it is hard right now.

I do wish you well.

Why oh why. Sorry for you OP

Absolutely awful. So sorry OP. I am another who agrees with plan of keeping what you know to yourself for now and getting legal advice etc in place first.
You've got your proof. Next get professional advice and go from there.
I really hope you have support from family and friends.

Well done you. You are a superior person. Gold star.

Now Let’s focus on the poor OP and the excellent advice other people have given her.

That is not legal.