Help. Just found out dh having affair. How do I confront him?

[Rocketman2]

I want to confront him but how. I don’t want him to weezle out of it.

I feel sick. I can’t wait and sleep on it as I’m going to not be able to contain it. I’m visibly shaking and keep thinking I’m going to be sick.

it’s got to be today. Omg my heart is broken

The advice you are getting is fantastic. When this happened to me, I just up & left with the kids. He got the house. Tried to make me look like a bad mum (his family tried supporting this). It was very difficult but wow, I look back at what way I used to live. I'm actually happy. I never bad mouthed their dad in front of the kids. In time, growing up, they seen what their dad was like. I took on 2 jobs to support us as he never gave me a penny. Take 1 day at a time. There will be more low days than good days!!! But it's worth it in the end. Good luck with whatever you decide to do......

OP, any evidence you gather either regarding his actions or income, make sure you have it backed up, not just on your phone.

why? not like it’s going to impact any divorce settlement in the slightest

Oops - maybe just bolt the doors when he comes to collect his luggage!

Why not? When you have a gut feeling that something is "off", be it body language, emotional distance, being too nice, being cool, changes in working hours that seem odd, all the things that make someone feel unsettled. In the olden days when my then husband was cheating on me and mobiles were a rarity, the OW ( a work colleague) would call our landline and ask for him using a stupid nickname. That was when I just knew, I had suspected but her simpering voice asking for him by that daft name was my big clue. If there had been sophisticated phones then I would have been checking. I had to confront my ex as like so many men I think he would have continued to mess around for longer. Better to get it out in the open.

I just don't get this ducks in a row shit. I really don't, for what?
If it's not actionable it's pointless.
If a person doesn't work and they leave they might get benefits until settlement which they won't decide arrives.
Talk about rearranging deckchairs on Titanic.

And honest to goodness, who the hell could be composed enough not to reveal knowledge of the affair in order to do this anyway?

I hear what you're saying, but that doesn't change how most men with assets behave if there is a perceived threat.

whichfan · Today 15:41
gardenmusic · Today 15:32
OP, any evidence you gather either regarding his actions or income, make sure you have it backed up, not just on your phone.
why? not like it’s going to impact any divorce settlement in the slightest

I am aware that actions do not make a difference, but use your head - regarding income, assets and savings, he will probably lie, minimise or be downright awkward in declaring them. Any info OP may gather on this needs to be safe. Hence back it up, send it somewhere safe.
Regarding his actions, he will probably lie about those, too, If she has them, he cannot gaslight her.

any “evidence” of an affair would be 100% ignored in any divorce. If the OP thinks he’s lying about finances, then the fact she has “evidence” of an affair would be entirely irrelevant

This -someone I knew, when husband had an affair, transferred all of their assets into his business so that they could not be used in a divorce settlement. In fact, he had done that with the marital property years earlier under the guise of using them as assets when applying for business finance etc. So she got nothing.

So, never show your hand before you are ready. OP should make sure she has documents to evidence all their/his assets so that she can prove what he (ie, they held) at the point at which she commences divorce proceedings. If she gives advance warning, he has a chance to start hiding his assets.

The ducks in a row thing is so that she can initiate any proceedings and take control of the timetable and approach. The more prepared and the more cards she holds, the better off she is going into divorce. He’s blindsided her with his affair; if she wants to divorce she’s far better off blindsiding him so he has no time to hide or move assets or put his family on the payroll or whatever. I’m making certain assumptions about the level of “very high earner” being more than someone scraping a £150k salary though.

You're spot on here.
My dh could make himself look like a pauper on paper within hours if he chose to do so.
You only have to read the threads on here to see what happens in the real world!

Exactly right.
I appreciate all the encouragement to behave like some divorce ninja might be empowering but it's futile.

He wronged you, you go girl!-it's nonsense.

Advice on benefits might be useful, though as would be consulting a solicitor.

@Rocketman2 You can get the whole lot of messages. If it was whatsapp just go to the chat, click on top to open the settings, then scroll all the way down, and click export chat. It'll ask for an email and you can add yours. It'll send you the whole thing in seconds.

And yet a man would be called a cocklodger

any “evidence” of an affair would be 100% ignored in any divorce. If the OP thinks he’s lying about finances, then the fact she has “evidence” of an affair would be entirely irrelevant

Try reading it again.
The divorce has nothing to do with the fact that he will lie and minimise his actions re the affair - it has to do with the fact that she knows, has proof, and cannot thus be gaslit, or have him lie to their family and friends.
The level of comprehension on here is very low.

This. As far as I know the UK is a no blame in terms of divorce.

However, as PP has said, it is ducks in a row time.

indeed

So gathering evidence to avoid the op being gaslit…. yes

gathering evidence for any use at all in the divorce? no point

No, you can’t legally prevent a spouse from entering or living in the matrimonial home, regardless of who pays the mortgage or is named on the deeds etc.

How are you doing OP?

gathering evidence for any use at all in the divorce? no point

I can only assume that you have a very honest and fair partner, who would never lie about assets if they thought they were about to lose 50%.
Most of the time it's gloves off, and OP needs to know exactly where the money is and be able to prove it when her partner is less than honest. She needs evidence of this. 'But there is more...' won't wash in court.
I cannot explain any more!

OP I hope you are ok, being cheated on is devastating. I know it will be so hard but before you confront him please take time to think about what the discovery of this affair means for you & your marriage?

Has it happened before? Do you want to leave him? Do you want to try & work through this? Can you get another look at his phone to try & get more info? I would want to see for myself how long its been going on.

I see a lot of comments assuming you will went to leave & get divorced, whatever you decide is your business. I’m assuming he will probably still deny the affair when you do confront him but also be prepared for the opposite - he might admit it & you have given him a way out so to speak.

Who gives a fuck if you searched the phone of a strongly suspected cheater in marriage. Fair play.

@Rocketman2 Omg so sorry you're going through this OP but please listen to fantastic advice of other posters here.

If you confront him today you will have showed your hand and your H will continue to deny it and will probably say your family member is lying to split you both up. You now know he is a lying, cheating and deceitful bastard he will start hiding his assets and will try to leave you high and dry.

As other posters have advised say you feel ill have a migraine or family emergency to go clear your head and think. You need to be as sneaky and deceitful as he is and go for the jugular. Act completely normal and quietly see a solictor for advise, gather all information on his finances, savings, pensions, credit card bills, bank statements etc all paperwork relating to your children. When you've got enough evidence start your plan to throw him out. Start your own separate bank account and withdraw money from the cashpoint and pay it into your new account so he won't find out. When you throw him out transfer all or half your savings to your bank account too so you and your kids don't struggle.

Also if you can afford it I'd pay a private investigator to follow him and get the proof of his affair and the other woman's details and give it to your solictor to use in the divorce but don't tell him you have it let your solicitor present it to his he won't see that coming.

Once you've got your ducks in a row don't bother confronting him he'll keep lying and denying it making out your crazy and unstable. Just change the locks, have his stuff and divorce papers prepared and couried to him with a note "I know you're cheating and I want a divorce". He will be completly blindsided, shocked and then angry you were so sneaky and if he is I'd simply say to him "it doesn't feel so good when someone you love and trust is sneaky and decietful does it" or use my favourite saying "oh what tangled webs we weave when we first practise to deceive" its not your problem that he was sloppy and arrogant in his deception and you were smarter. Good luck OP please keep us updated.

Just saw this. I'm fairly new to mumsnet. I can't believe how often I've read this. What's wrong with people? 🤦‍♀️