Help. Just found out dh having affair. How do I confront him?

[Rocketman2]

I want to confront him but how. I don’t want him to weezle out of it.

I feel sick. I can’t wait and sleep on it as I’m going to not be able to contain it. I’m visibly shaking and keep thinking I’m going to be sick.

it’s got to be today. Omg my heart is broken

don't do anything with him until you get a solicitor and some advice. Please. And stay strong.

Brilliant advice on this subject, if you fail to act on this brilliant advice then you will suffer for years, like you I am human and a loyal loving person, I have been there and it took me a long while to "COP MYSELF ON". I can only wish the best. By talking about it on here you have already started the journey

i am divorced

any evidence of an affair would be roundly ignored in any and all legal discussions regarding finances, children, indeed anything

we are talking at cross purposes

gathering financial info… hell yes

gathering evidence of the affair for any purpose aside from avoiding being gas lit… no point

ny evidence of an affair would be roundly ignored in any and all legal discussions regarding finances, children, indeed anything

You are doing it on purpose.
Not engaging any further.

The op alreadty has evidence of the affair, now she has to sort the finances and see a solicitor.

this

Absolutely agree with this.

Sorry to hear this OP, how terrible. Tell him you're feeling poorly to explain why you're not being yourself. Speak to a solicitor asap Monday morning before you do anything.

I have read the whole thread.
Just a question OP is this unforgivable to you?
You say your heart is broken, it's got nothing to do with like. Is this an affair of the heart or sex?
Has he been seeing the OW for yonks or just a few heat filled weeks?
I'd be heartbroken if my DH cheated but I'm not sure I'd break up my family and I'm the higher earner. Ultimately only you know if you could look at him the same way again. If you don't work and he is a HNWI I hope you have savings from when you did work or private means. Everyone needs running away money.
Your DH can't really hide his income because you can ask for disclosure of tax returns. That can't be fiddled.
You might think f*ck him because he's a cheating, lying, scumbag. Have a big chat with a good friend. I always sleep on things.
You might feel like doing a Lady Moon and cutting the legs of his suits! Good luck. X

Ding ding this thread is a walking MN cliche. Keep that powder dry and get your ducks in a row girl.

This OP make sure you're protected, once you confront him it could turn nasty

Madness to tell him till she is sorted and protected.Especially if he is very rich. You have no idea how he will react to protect his assets good name both financially legally and physically.

how high an earner?

Id be tempted to keep shtum and have an affair myself to cheer myself up if everything else was good

The evidence isn’t for use in the divorce, for goodness sake. It’s to rebut any attempts by DH to say she has it wrong, or to make out to family & friends that she is mad/wrong and that he has NOT had an affair. It’s to protect herself socially.

Gathering evidence of assets - which are jointly part of the marriage pot for distribution in a court settlement - is a separate matter and totally sensible. Too many women get shafted by partners who, realising they’ve been rumbled, hide the assets. She needs this so that when she gets to court to discuss her share, he cannot deny he has money in two pensions, additional work place shares etc.

It’s often the high earners isn’t it?
Sorry, speaking from bitter experience. ExDH was entitled and greedy and I found texts on his phone.

I did spend a few months not really believing it. I mean I did believe it, but my mind could not take it in. For me, having more evidence was important as my brain had to shift from trusting and thinking my life was one thing, and knowing it was not.

It’s not about legalities. Well not for me.

Still now I am very grateful to myself for finding out more. I found loads of texts from his phone bill while I was filing. I confronted him immediately. He said they were just randomers on a kind of party line.

I was so in shock. We had a baby and I’d moved country to be with him. I was devastated.

I asked to look at his phone there and then. He showed me, and of course all messages deleted. At the time I didn’t realise that deleting messages was a red flag.

So after a few weeks, with continued denials. I contacted some of the numbers on the phone bill - by text. Asking politely and nicely, please help I’m worried about my husband and we had a baby. I said I wasn’t seeking blame.

Obviously these were very hard texts to send. I felt a little crazy, I didn’t want the people to worry that I was crazy or mad at them.

Amazingly, 3 women got back to me. One seemed actually lovely. I didn’t push it, she just sent two texts, explained that she’d met my DH online dating and that he’d been very pushy to try and meet up, but she didn’t in the end. She had no idea he was married. The other two confirmed it was flirting, but did not want to say more and I respected that.

I again confronted exDH and he said that he was on there as he was lonely when I went away and that he never met up with anyone.

So I tried to find out anything that I could after that. Which wasn’t much but it helped. I found an open window on his computer on his facebook page, and there were some chats with women, nothing much but to one woman, an Ex, he said that I was ‘still in love with him but he didn’t feel the same’ and the others were flirting with other women saying things like they were ‘very classy’ - something he’s never said to me.

SO! Yes I think finding out more, if you can, helps. If I hadn’t known I could have easily minimised. It reduces the minimising which is VERY important. Do not minimise this - because you will want to, but even if you stay in your marriage you need to know what you are dealing with.

I don't think it's just rich men who cheat, Jeremy Kyle and Jerry Springer show had incredibly unattractive, uneducated, very poor people cheating left right and centre.
I think it's harder for a rich man to stay faithful to be honest, because he is propositioned more and can afford it.

Think rationally and do what is best for you and the children. I know I would personally prioritise financial security it's the only real security. Love and promises all fade.

Advice on getting your ducks in a row is the best advice. 700+ messages?! This relationship is done hun. No point in confronting him directly now. Get your finances together and move on. Also, start thinking about a job/career for yourself. I wonder if you've been kept at home subconsciously in this marriage "I'll look after you, you don't need to work" etc etc - a form of control / coersion. Good luck, sounds like he's a AH so be careful.

Oh OP, I’m so sorry ;(

You need to see a solicitor asap and find out what you could get if you divorce. You need facts in order to make a decision that is right for you. Do not confront him. Fake a migraine, sickness bug, whatever and go sleep in a spare room. Do you have kids?! You then need to be smart and start to gather all financial information. Please tell that the house is in both your names? Joint bank accounts etc?

I know you are in shock, but I'm afraid (and I'll never know why women do this to themselves) but you have become financially dependent on him. It's an awful position to be in quite frankly and that's why you need to get some proper advice and start protecting yourself or you'll be left with nothing.

Sorry you are going through this but be smart and you can walk away with your head held high.

This happened to me, @Rocketman2—
Make sure you get ahold of ALL your joint accounts, even the investments.
My husband cheated me out of over $100,000 because my attorney didn’t do an accounting and I didn’t insist on it.
Instead, I trusted my husband to be honest.
Don’t ever trust a cheater to be honest about anything.

If you have DC start spending on what they’ll need before he withdraws or limits financial support. Get at least the next size up school uniform and other clothes, winter coats etc. Buy yourself anything you’ll need. Get some supermarket gift cards and hide them away.

Plan carefully and be on the front foot. Only when you’ve secured some money and moved important documents do you confront him. Have someone with you if you think you’ll need it.

I can't believe within marriage having access to each others phone is not standard practice.

Are you ok OP?
How did today go?
Sending hugs x

Me too.

This.
OP, does your H have control of the finances, or does he share information with you?
This is what pp are saying - if you are going to divorce, you need to be financially protected, so you must have evidence of what is happening to the household money.
Get angry.
How DARE he do this to you!