Are there any good men left?

[TeamCurlies]

I'm in my late thirties, two children and 2 years post divorce. I'm ready to find love again.

I'm on two dating sites and I've been on one date in the last 6 months and all I see is red flags everywhere.

I can't help feeling that first marriages for most men have failed for a reason. I know you could say the same for women but it's well known and experienced that most marriages fail because of men. I can't imagine there are many men my age yet to commit for the first time?

Looking around at my friends, the ones in happy marriages are generally with Christian men who have strong moral and family values and take their marriage vows seriously. I am not a Christian.

I went on a date with one man who was still bitter with his ex wife 5 years post divorce which I felt was a major red flag.

I feel like I've missed the boat.
My ex was a disappointing choice from the beginning I now realise.
What is the likely background for a good man who might make a good husband at my age? I can't imagine that many men are wanting to commit for the first time? Has anyone found a good man post divorce at my age? Where might I find one?! Surely if they were a good family man, their wives would have kept them in the first place?!

Maybe I'm just being cynical but I'd love some advice!

I'm 27 and feel exactly the same I have all but completely given up with it!

I feel you get one, maybe two good chances but by mid 30s statistically you're swimming through the dregs of what's left or has been thrown back into the dating pool.

The good ones are probably still married! Those who’ve never been snapped up are probably looking for a woman who also hasn’t been married and has no kids. Most of the available men have been dumped by their ex wives because they’re not good partners. Your best shot is a widower!

Personally, in late 30s+ I would actually be dubious of anyone with no relationship history. Would much prefer someone who's learned a bit about themselves and relationships, even if they've been a little banged up along the way.

Relationships end for all sorts of reasons so not every man will find himself single because he's an arsehole. A smaller proportion might have been arseholes but actually learn something from the break-up and evolve into better people. How they talk about and treat their exes/kids will tell you a lot.

I agree that there aren't many good ones available at any point in time but new ones keep coming on the market! It all comes down to timing and meeting them in the sweet spot - not reeling and rebounding from the last relationship, but before someone else snaps them up.

It's a numbers game! Most people get coupled up in their 20's and get married in their 30's I believe, so if you're hunting for a mate at 35 then many will be in long term relationships/married, i.e. off the market. By late 20s the pool has already become thin.
So you're left with the terminally single, perhaps through choice, perhaps not. They'll almost certainly have their own issues (high body count, commitment phobes etc). You then get those men coming out of LTRs/marriage, jaded by the experience, the majority have been cast aside by their spouse for failing to live up to their expectation, the remainder doing the dumping and therefore having higher expectations than what their ex could meet.

If I had my time over again and found myself single in my late 30s, I’d look for an older man. At least 10 years older.

Men only seem to value and commit to younger women longterm. The men your age will want someone in their 20s. Well, to be frank, I think men any age want someone in their 20s, but 50+ blokes will still be pleased with a 30-something. (George Clooney, for example.)

I know you could say the same for women but it's well known and experienced that most marriages fail because of men.

Perhaps, but it's almost always the prelude, the red flags ignored by women, that leads to this. Far too many women choose unsavoury/unsuitable men because they think these men will change for the better once married/they have children. This is rarely ever the case. If all women fully realised that what you see is what you get, a massive amount of failed marriages could be avoided.

My ex was a disappointing choice from the beginning I now realise.

Like I said...

I know it's popular to talk about "high quality men" etc when one is dating, but to be frank the whole thing is an anathema to me, and seems horribly objectifying.

I don't believe there are people who are objectively good, or objectively bad, to be in a relationship with. I believe it's a two sided thing, and about finding a good match for you.

I have had four long term relationships (two of them marriages) prior to this one. So I don't exactly look like a "high quality woman". However, I believe I bring loads of good qualities to a relationship - faithful, high earner, intelligent, kind and caring, relatively pretty, etc.

Obviously I have my trickier aspects as well - I am argumentative, impulsive and easily bored, and (most seriously) have struggled with addiction issues previously tho sober now.... My exes weren't perfect either. My previously relationships broke up because of issues between the both of us, not because I was perfect and they were deeply flawed, or vice versa ....

OP, the men left on the "dating market" now probably aren't perfect. But that's because there are no perfect men. Are you perfect?

It's possible to find someone who is perfect FOR YOU, or at least close to it. I am now with somebody who shares the same scars so that helps, and he is also clever, kind, loyal etc so it's a good match. He has MANY failed relationships in the past, but they weren't with me, were they? It's been quite a few years now and we are working well so far.....

It depends what you are looking for really. If you expect somebody to be the complete package you will never be happy. If you want to meet somebody flawed (because they are human) but lovely to you, who will augment your life, it just might work! Good luck.

Not to be blunt, but it appears you have some deep-seated prejudice towards men that undoubtedly comes across in your dating site interactions. Going into OLD with the belief that 'most marriages fail because of men' isn't healthy IMO (not to mention the suggestion in your last sentence that only men without prior relatio ships are good enough)

I agree with this

i left xH. He was a bit of an arse. But I was also to do with the combination of us not working. He needs someone more assertive that could’ve had better boundaries and been blunter with him. (He is very blunt).
I also think the shock of me leaving has hopefully taught him quite a lot about relationships.

I really hope he meets someone else and think he will make a good partner to the right person.

There speaks a woman that hasn’t looked at the 50 year old + men available!

OP, I’m mid 40s and having previously been married to a man that became lazy, disrespectful and a useless father I am ultra cautious and maintain standards, result is I’ve been single for 2 years. I’ve had the opportunity to date mediocre men if I wanted, obviously sex is available easily if that’s all you want. I’d love to have something more positive to say.

The added issue you have is that you have two kids. I think if you meet someone organically and get to know them then this is less of an issue. On a dating site, let’s say decent man is on there. He probably has a choice of 100 women who would date him. The likelyhood of him opting for one with two kids is probably slim when there are many without. Realistically you are more likely to match with someone who has children of their own and is divorced. I know there will be exceptions to this but meeting online gives you an initial filter that perhaps you would overlook in real life if you like the person.

I agree with that but it works both ways. As a woman with 3 children, I would never date someone with children younger that my own (teenagers) and tbh I have never met anyone worthy of introducing my children to.

There are a cohort of men OLD that want a girlfriend/nanny for when they have their kids. I am more than happy if someone passes me over because they want someone without children. I only consider men with children over 14 that don’t want more children (surprisingly a lot of 40s/50s men are looking to start a family😮).

Of course it's a numbers game. We tend to couple up when we are in our twenties and early thirties. After that you are looking at second time around partners - often with kids and difficult exes.

And I agree with @Ilovelurchers that it's about compatibility rather than imperfect partners. And I don't believe that marriages fail because of men. I think they fail because both parties have unrealistic expectations.

If you are looking for perfect you won't find it. You might find a partner who is right for you at a particular point in your life. But not if you think there are no good men left.

Do not do this!! No decent man looks for a younger woman, none of his reasons will be lovely personality characteristics!

I heard long ago that we need three partners. Initially one to have fun with, then one to raise a family with and finally one to grow old with.

I'm older than OP but in my daughters friendship group there are a few single young men who would be great partners and dad's but I suspect they never fell into the first group, people to have fun with. They've always been steady types rather than lots of fun. By their mid-late twenties they'd basically settled down to career and hobbies. There are a couple of young ladies in the group, no romance (apparently it would be like dating your sister/brother). I don't think they'd even consider dating now, what's in it for them.

There are good single men out there just as there are good single women. You just have to accept they may not be that bothered.

I suspect that those dating in their late 30s and beyond are ones who've been in prior relationships and feel the need for a relationship. You may get lucky just as they might.

Absolutely this. Many men age terribly, and a man looking for a much younger woman is bad news full stop.

If you want someone with no past at all you'd have to go for 15 years younger I guess. I mean, anyone your age will either have past relationships, or a long history of no relationships or flings. All of which you could criticise as a bad sign.

I went on a date with one man who was still bitter with his ex wife 5 years post divorce which I felt was a major red flag.
I'd also see it as a red flag if it was mentioned bitterly on a first/early date.
Mind you, if you said the stuff you are saying here about men out loud, that would be a red flag. I guess you would be smart enough not to do that. But the attitude would still be there, right? So if you want to look on the bright side, you could be happy that these men are honest and you don't get in a relationship with someone who turns out to be bitter and twisted much later on!

Surely if they were a good family man, their wives would have kept them in the first place?!
"Kept them"? How do you do that? Dog collars? Obviously there are also men who leave their disappointing wives.

You're a divorcee. The men you talk to don't have any guarantee that the divorce is all your ex's fault and you are a "good woman".

Your mum sounds proper fab, that’s all I’m going to say.

I know how you feel! I'm 33 with 4 children, divorced 3 years ago, I have found to that the littlest things gives me the ick or just red flags here there and everywhere 🤣

I've given up trying to find love as I always attract fools if honest. I'm sure one day I will find someone for me but for now I'm just going to stay on my own 🤷🏼‍♀️

I feel men are not the same anymore. Dating sites are just a no no as the men on there are thirsty and wanna give you a pic of their bits asap 🤢

If I had my time over again and found myself single in my late 30s, I’d look for an older man. At least 10 years older

This comes with its own challenges so not sure it is the solution.

Statistically if the population is approx 50/50 split men/women then coupling up with the right person is down to luck as the pool is small and you need compatible people to be available at the same time, ideally in your 20s.

Marriages usually end for 3 reasons, affairs, addictions and abuse.I don't think all available men are a bad bet but these negative factors affect men more than women, perhaps due to testerone. More men are convicted of violence, more men have gambling & alcohol addictions & more men seek affairs than women.

So a small pool means that there are not that many single men (to start with) and the likelihood of negative behaviours in single men means dating 2nd time around is very difficult. Your experience is real.

A very eligible childless friend was single for 5 years post divorce (from a man who had multiple affairs including having several affairs partners at once!) She met a slightly younger man at a hobby so it is possible.

I think the poster who said that we all are not perfect and need to find someone perfect for us is right. I met my DH in our thirties. By MN standards, he’d be undesirable and a red flag - no driving licence, didn’t own a home but lived in a flat share, bad spelling (dyslexia), lower qualifications/job perspective/salary than me,….but he is the kindest, most loving and loyal man I’ve ever met, we’ve build a great life together and are expecting a baby. I always suggest to friends who are trying to meet someone to let go of the idea of perfectionism and seeing red flags in frankly unimportant things such as the MN ‘rule’ of not having a driving licence or not owning property, and focus on the important things in life - a loving and caring partner.

Lol OP, I'm in the same boat, only it's 3 years since split with Ex and I'm in my early 40's. I'd ideally like to meet a man with DC so he understands that my life won't revolve around him. Unless a man with no DC has no ego at all, most of them aren't prepared to take a backseat at all.

If I had my time again, I'd have spent my years at uni simultaneously looking for a DH whilst studying. That's when the majority of really good men settle down, and they stay married. Not helpful now, I know.

Internet dating is a complete numbers game (I read that somewhere that 80% of the women are interested in 5% of the men), but with my other life commitments it's currently the main way I meet most of the men I interact with, as it's the only place you definitely know men are looking for some form of relationship with a woman, even if it's not the one you want.

Keep going with it OP, you'll eventually meet a partner who is perfect for you and looking for the same thing.

Thank you, I hope you do too!
The problem for me is that I had a lot of issues in my twenties so never would have partnered up with a decent husband (I didn't at 25!) So it's a shame really but my issues/negative upbringing were stacked against me. Feeling mentally and emotionally healthy in my late thirties but they're all taken now 🙈