Are there any good men left?

[TeamCurlies]

I'm in my late thirties, two children and 2 years post divorce. I'm ready to find love again.

I'm on two dating sites and I've been on one date in the last 6 months and all I see is red flags everywhere.

I can't help feeling that first marriages for most men have failed for a reason. I know you could say the same for women but it's well known and experienced that most marriages fail because of men. I can't imagine there are many men my age yet to commit for the first time?

Looking around at my friends, the ones in happy marriages are generally with Christian men who have strong moral and family values and take their marriage vows seriously. I am not a Christian.

I went on a date with one man who was still bitter with his ex wife 5 years post divorce which I felt was a major red flag.

I feel like I've missed the boat.
My ex was a disappointing choice from the beginning I now realise.
What is the likely background for a good man who might make a good husband at my age? I can't imagine that many men are wanting to commit for the first time? Has anyone found a good man post divorce at my age? Where might I find one?! Surely if they were a good family man, their wives would have kept them in the first place?!

Maybe I'm just being cynical but I'd love some advice!

You and cadburyegg need to swap places clearly.
But that's the thing - on a more superficial level (hobbies, physical appearance) there's lots of variety and women want different things so its just a matter of finding the right match. Which isn't that easy, but its possible. I don't have a problem with beer bellies for instance I quite like them. Its the less superficial qualities - honesty, kindness etc that are much harder to spot - people can't really tell you they have those qualities they have to show you over a longer period of time. And I don't think modern expectations around dating - especially when it starts of online, really help. So then you have women complaining there aren't "decent" men and getting told they are too fussy/superficial.

And maybe there are some women out there just desperate to find a man who is really really good at fishing, especially at catching really big fish. And wondering where all those men are.

I think its an awful age to be single. The good ones are mostly settled down and commited. Theres more red flags than green in your 30s. A chunk of whats left are single for cheating, addictions, commitment issues etc. Not all ofcourse. But there are also people serial dating.

I’m pretty sure they would leave the giant fish at home …

And the men are just as bad.

Thats just dishonest!!! Imagine swiping right on a photo of a man holding a giant fish and then he DOESN'T bring the giant fish to the first date. Rude.

I've found a great one at the ripe old age of 44...he's a couple of years older. We've been together almost a year and going to grow old together.

OLD is sadly a numbers game and you have to wade through lots of crap and kiss a lot of frogs. You have to have a little bit of luck but don't be disheartened OP you're still young.

😂😂😂

The problem as I see it is that your “average slightly fat 40 year old woman” is looking for a 6ft plus, athletic, rich man despite sharing no resemblance to what they are looking for. He must be “sporty” and in a “professional role” whilst she is not sporty and works part time at Farmfoods.

’Don’t give up” she’s told. “One day your Prince will come and whisk you off your feet”, which might be harder after another tube of Pringles whilst drooling at Max Branning in Eastenders.

Eventually, of course, she’ll end up with Bazza who’s under 6ft., bald and has tattoos everywhere and a really bad temper. She’ll hope “one day he’ll change” and tell everyone that “he’s OK when he’s sober”, have a couple of kids with him and then act surprised when he has an affair with 28 year old Sarah in Accounts.

Its easiier to not bother and save yourself a lot of trouble.

Men that have been married once are not much more likely to get divorced next time than average. But if they are divorced twice it is a massive red flag.
That is the stats, but I am a once divorced man and now happily married. In middle age, I started dating again. I had been in a marriage where there was no sex, I was the only one who worked (giving her time for porn during the day) and the only one who did housework to all but a minor extent. We went to relationship counselling and our counsellor finally advised to me for my own good (and her to try trying).

I was reluctant to get into a relationship again as being single was incredibly liberating. She on the other hand realised that I had just not managed the maturity for a relationship so was happy to seek a new relationship.

I briefly went on OLD and my experience was perfectly comparable to most women on this thread. It was not only that it was the dregs, but the dregs who were oblivious and thought OLD should work as there would be many looking to look after them.

The people who are attractive and do not have elevated standards do not stay on OLD very long, men or women. I did not, I met a series of deluded unattractive women just as many on here met unattractive deluded men. You would need to get lucky.

I am happily married now. I would imagine my ex-wife will be one of those writing she has given up on men as they are so useless.

@Thatsthebottomline You have a nasty tone. I think it is understandable that women will want to be cautious with men and have a higher standard, as they are running a major risk in getting close to someone.

You’re right, of course. I dont think that your average, slightly fat, 40 year old woman should set her sights so low as a 6ft plus, rich, sporty guy. The world is her oyster, after all. Perhaps 7ft ? Let’s just call it a nice 8ft foot, with a healthy seven figure bank balance and a job “in business” .

If he doesn’t pick her up in a Bentley thats a “red flag” isn’t it, so we want more for her than that. Well built and muscly too because she may have hard relationships in the past where the Police were called on a regular basis and he needs to “take her on”.

Itll be champagne and cocktails all way. She’ll bring “plenty to the table too”, like her dolphin tattoo, nights in chain smoking Lambert and Butler whilst watching Eastenders in a dressing gown.

Hold me back…..

@Thatsthebottomline I genuinely believe you would feel extra cautious of men wanting to date your daughter, hopefully rather than telling her to lower her standards and be less cautious.

I have met women who assumed I should be incredibly grateful for the chance to fund them and their kids. But of course I have, because they are left behind and continually dating.

I have also met a couple of women (very much away from OLD) who have only had experiences of men that would be typical on MN and because they hear what "typical men" are like, they think that is typical. They are not dating.

As a man, my experience of OLD was similar to what you describe. And also what many posters on here describe (but swapping male for female). There are decent women out there (and plenty of decent men) but the dating circuit is not the place.

Anyone male or female is taking a risk getting close to someone. Your post seems to suggest that men shouldn't have standards. We all need standards.

We have a stalemate. Decent sorted men,.and decent sorted women are both giving OLD a massive swerve. Not sure what the answer is really.

I was specific in saying that my standards meant I found OLD unsatisfactory. The women I first came across on OLD were often a touch deluded. I am also acknowledging that women will have parallel experiences to me.
One issue is that the ones that are deluded and the ones that have something and are will to contribute will think their experiences are the same.

@Lookingforunicorns Some years after going off OLD, I went back on and meant my new wife. Today, she apologised for a mistake she made and also helped find her car key which had been missing. Small things, but most men will appreciate that is something special to have that teamwork.
But we were both on briefly and about to leave. I was only back on as I moved to a new city and was not longer able to reply on a ready supply of casual sex, and she just joined and I was the only person she replied to.
So there are decent people on OLD, but they tend not to be on there for long.

My experience is that over the last year, three men have lost interest in me after 1 or 2 dates, with no explanation given, just slow fade/ghosting if you can even call it that as it was literally just 1 or 2 dates. Two of them I met through tinder and the other one was someone I had known for years. I suspect that these men are talking and dating multiple women so if someone doesn't meet their expectations (whatever these are) they just move on to the next one. They have the illusion of choice, particularly - I've noticed - the ones who haven't been single for that long. But if everyone just waits for the perfect person then they'll all remain single. Whereas before the days of OLD, both of you would be more invested from earlier on because you don't have the same expectation of perfection.

Or it's so easy to match with people these days, that people don't take the time to look through profiles or pictures so don't have the same knowledge or sense of what that person does or what their interests are, and what they look like. Whereas if you knew them irl you'd know some of these things already.

I've always been upfront and honest about what I want, and tbh I'm starting to think men don't want someone who obviously likes them. They want the thrill of the chase.

Anyone here remember the book ‘The Rules’? So many people I know swear it worked and they were engaged within a year of reading it

And general attitude amongst married people towards singles is very telling too. To the point where I no longer confide in anyone who is in a relationship about dates I go on because inevitably they come out with "you should focus on your kids", "you don't need a man", "maybe you should take a break from this for awhile?" or my personal favourite "gosh if I ever found myself single I'm not sure I'd bother dating again!"

Thanks, so helpful.

Is this an incel name change or another incel??

People in longterm relationships, satisfactory or otherwise, often live vicariously through their single friends' dating experiences. The advice they give is often outdated, unrealistic and not always given in good faith.

I was never one for discussing my private life anyway, but I don't breathe a word now to any married friend who gave off the wrong vibe previously.

Ultimately everyone is responsible for their own situation, so if they aren't happy with it they should look at what's needed to change it, and whether they're willing to do that. Having done that, staying single might then be the most likely, and possibly desireable, outcome. Blaming any of it on the failings of the other 50% of the population doesn't sound likely to fix anything.

Yes my friend was like that with me when I was dating, now her marriage has fallen apart she's completely changed her tune.

This idea that people mostly only divorce due to affairs, addiction or abuse as someone said earlier is massively outdated.

As divorce has become so much less taboo, loads of people now divorce because they get bored of each other, start taking each other for granted, find juggling kids and work easier as co-parents rather than husband and wife, don't find each other sexually attractive anymore.....just look at how quickly mumsnet says to LTB for relatively minor things.

My point being many divorcees could be rather quite normal.

@cadburyegg - I completely agree with your observations. OLD is addictive just as the thrill of the chase and people coming out of long term marriages or relationships on OLD are like kids in a candy shop. Why bother put in any effort in dating one person when you can meet someone new every week or even every few days if you have time?

When I got back into dating in December I made a list. The list was all the things my dream guy would be. My fella is all 22