Are there any good men left?

[TeamCurlies]

I'm in my late thirties, two children and 2 years post divorce. I'm ready to find love again.

I'm on two dating sites and I've been on one date in the last 6 months and all I see is red flags everywhere.

I can't help feeling that first marriages for most men have failed for a reason. I know you could say the same for women but it's well known and experienced that most marriages fail because of men. I can't imagine there are many men my age yet to commit for the first time?

Looking around at my friends, the ones in happy marriages are generally with Christian men who have strong moral and family values and take their marriage vows seriously. I am not a Christian.

I went on a date with one man who was still bitter with his ex wife 5 years post divorce which I felt was a major red flag.

I feel like I've missed the boat.
My ex was a disappointing choice from the beginning I now realise.
What is the likely background for a good man who might make a good husband at my age? I can't imagine that many men are wanting to commit for the first time? Has anyone found a good man post divorce at my age? Where might I find one?! Surely if they were a good family man, their wives would have kept them in the first place?!

Maybe I'm just being cynical but I'd love some advice!

Yes, but how many men would date a woman who was too old, too fat/thin, too far from attractive, had too many children for him just because he 'liked her'. Men don't date women who earn less because they are higher minded and only care about the important things. They just don't generally mind a woman earning less than them because they're conditioned to believe men should be the higher earners (on account of their own percieved superior ability to do important high earning jobs) Same with driving. Most men are the default driver anyway (on account of their own percieved superiority as drivers). Men are 'shallow and superficial' about other things.

Yes ..in real life, most of the people I know (male and female) who are single and "not happy with the opposite sex" it's pretty self-evident why!

Nothing wrong with having a type or preference for dating

but if you're not already naturally comfortably in those social circles, and that type doesn't want you (or won't offer the reciprocated relationship you want) then that's the free market speaking!

If after a year or two of actively meeting new people you aren't happy with what's come up, maybe it's not them?

I suspect a lot of the time the single person hasn't made peace with their own life decisions and the person they've turned into.

so they end up dismayed by the type of person aligned with them.

But your lifestyle is based on your own choices and for a successful relationship you need someone who has a similar lifestyle and has made similar choices.

For example, I know men who have multiple children, awkward personalities, but they're tall and in reasonably good physical shape.

So they think some young slim childfree woman will want them...but they don't see what exactly they have to offer her?

Or women in fairly low status jobs who want to meet someone with a professional job title. But they're not aligned with these men.

Unless you look like Matt Damons wife or Ronaldo's partner, and are working in celebrity services and parties, you're probably not going to get Matt Damon or Ronaldo.

Dating apps skew the system unfortunately.

They can be fun, but you get loads of people dating and linking in and chatting with those they probably wouldn't take seriously for a relationship.

@Pinkbits

gosh you didnt spare our feelings did you?!

🫠

And women complain about men who are too fat / thin , short bald , old etc etc

don’t kid yourself that women are not just as shallow and superficial as men - but women just won’t admit too it ( apart from on on this forum), just look at this thread and all the other OLD man bashing threads

don’t give up hope. I met the most amazing man in my early 40’s - we’re both divorced with kids. Both of us ended up single not because there’s something wrong with us but we’d both met our exes at young ages and grown apart as we’d aged and had different outlooks in life. He wasn’t the right person for his ex but he’s an amazing family man (I wish I’d chosen someone like him to have kids with)!

I would add keep an open mind though, we met in real life through friends but he wouldn’t have met some of the criteria I would have chosen online apps. Unfortunately there is a kid in a sweet shop mentality that something better might come along on the apps and you’re making quick decisions on someone that wouldn’t happen if you got to know someone gradually in real life. Focus on going out, joining hobbies and groups, accepting invites you wouldn’t normally do and you never know. Good luck

Agree- don't give up hope.

I met the life of my life at forty and six years later (best six years of my life) am now married to him. He is gorgeous, kind, honest, interesting, skilled, and treats me incredibly well.

One tip I was given, and it bore fruit for me: focus your search on new arrivals to OLD. There are good men, who exit from decent length marriages at this age, through no particular fault of their own. Get them quickly, because they won't be on OLD for long....

My new husband was on OLD for two months when I found him. I am absolutely sure he would not have been there much longer, because loads of women would happily have him in their life.

You've had your marriage and kids so you've not missed the boat, you're coming back for seconds. Some of us are early/mid 30s and still looking for #1 so don't deplete the pool further please!!

(Lighthearted before someone pounces)

But no op the chances aren't good. Someone put it to me that 75% of women are chasing 25% of men (the ones who can put a wash on and not abuse you) so the odds are most definitely not in our favour

I think the main mistake is expecting any partner to give, when a relationship is blatantly transactional (be it emotional/financial) it is doomed, sooner or later.
I’m not talking about not being supportive, on an emotional and/or financial level, of course. But supportive is not the same as enabling.
Your childhood trauma is not going to be healed by a bloke who works 6 days a week, spends the 7th in the pub. As women, we’re not going to be the mothers they never had, or simply a continuation of the relationship they had with their mother.
It’s a myth that 2 become one. There is no such thing.

Its not uncommon to hear of posters deciding to leave their partner because he's boring, settled into dad mode, or they want more fun sex.

I've been on Mumsnet for years and I have never seen a single post like this.

@financialcareerstuff - you have been incredibly lucky to meet someone who didn’t want to play the field after a long marriage on OLD, and I think your case is very rare - probably the 1%- so well done!

I am a couple years younger and every single new person I or my 30s/40s friends meet who is new to OLD is keen to explore their options after a long marriage. Some of those we met last year or two years ago are still looking for long term relationships supposedly (with their old photos)!

There's no one good left. Everyone wants to have some fun.

Married life with a wife and kids is dull and unsatisfying. Why do it?

Those that are (unfortunately) in that situation would happily leave it if they could..

It's a bit like when you see a new sofa come up for sale. Don't think if you can afford it or if it will fit through your front door - just jump on it.

You will make it work somehow.

I'm early 40s dating a mid 50s man. I think he's one of the better ones but find myself disappointed. I think he wants a girlfriend but isn't that fussed about wanting to be a boyfriend. Wants the love and care and nurturing from me but I'm wondering what I'm getting out of it. I don't think there's anyone better out there so weighing up my options and wondering if actually I have unrealistic expectations...

Your mistake is dating an older man. Look for your own age or younger. That's what men are trying to do so do the same!

I think it isn't so much that there aren't any good ones left, but that for many people, men and women, if you can afford it, and have had kids if you want them already, being single with a little bit of occasional fun on the side (always available on the apps) is the most desirable option.

So it's not that they're not 'good', just that they're realising being single is better.

Look around the next time you go out, the groups having the most fun are the groups of friends, not the couple. (Unless they're in their first few years).

Yep. Most relationships are pretty dull.

Once you are past the initial shagging stage, it's pretty boring.

Maybe this is where I'm going wrong. I'm still expecting stuff I expected in a relationship where we lived together and were trying for children... Maybe I need to re-evaluate!

I settled down in my mid-30s which was not unusual for London.
I can't imagine wanting to stay with any man I met at uni (even my uni boyfriend who never put a foot wrong) ) I would have been miserable with because I was just too young. Now I know how great he was but I still don't regret splitting up with him.

Good luck OP. I hope you find someone. I have every hope (despite the depressing stories!)

As a man who can put a wash on (even manage to iron sometimes) and has not one abusive bone in his body, I can tell you that the shared characteristics of that 25% of men are not remotely those ones. I don't think 0.75% of the female population are chasing after me.

Aim for the widowers OP 😄 that's what I'd do if I were in your shoes - which I sort of am but I'm now waaaay too cynical about men to even entertain the thought of one. Failing that... have you ever considered women?!

Agreed. “Love conquers all” doesn’t always pan out.

My partner felt like he really struggled to find someone. He is 41 and never married and no DC. Has had relationships but wasn't prepared to settle and preferred to be on his own than start a family with the wrong person, even though that means he might have missed the boat for DC now. He was surprised to find me and I was surprised to find him (I am 32 with one DC). He doesn't see me as seconds, but he thought good women like me were all paired off and he's grateful my ex cheated on me in a way because it made me available when he was to give us a shot together. If we had met 10 years ago the age gap would age been too much for our ages.

It's about what you're prepared to compromise on. I don't think anyone at even 30 has no baggage and the older we get the more we have. I'm happy with his quirks and he is happy with mine, but lots of others wouldn't be.

There seem to be a lot of women who really don't like men but seem to want to have a relationship with one.

Men rarely want a family. It tends to be what the woman wants but she doesn't realise the pain and suffering that inevitably goes with it.

I think its the opposite. While there are shocks along the way for both sexes regarding how challenging a young family can be, I think women are much more likely to anticipate this than men. Many men love the idea of children, the mini me son to take to the football, the 'princess' to shower with stuff to demonstrate how well they provide. What a depressingly large number don't seem to have caught on to is that there may also be an expectation that that means you might have to curtail your nights at the pub, lads holidays and playing the x box in your pants all weekend to play your equal part in their care. I agree with you, a large number of men don't enjoy family life, but their own naivety has led to their 'misery' not being press ganged by women who haven't realised its hard work. Harder work than it need be if men pulled their weight.