Are there any good men left?

[TeamCurlies]

I'm in my late thirties, two children and 2 years post divorce. I'm ready to find love again.

I'm on two dating sites and I've been on one date in the last 6 months and all I see is red flags everywhere.

I can't help feeling that first marriages for most men have failed for a reason. I know you could say the same for women but it's well known and experienced that most marriages fail because of men. I can't imagine there are many men my age yet to commit for the first time?

Looking around at my friends, the ones in happy marriages are generally with Christian men who have strong moral and family values and take their marriage vows seriously. I am not a Christian.

I went on a date with one man who was still bitter with his ex wife 5 years post divorce which I felt was a major red flag.

I feel like I've missed the boat.
My ex was a disappointing choice from the beginning I now realise.
What is the likely background for a good man who might make a good husband at my age? I can't imagine that many men are wanting to commit for the first time? Has anyone found a good man post divorce at my age? Where might I find one?! Surely if they were a good family man, their wives would have kept them in the first place?!

Maybe I'm just being cynical but I'd love some advice!

Great to hear from a poster who finally gets it!!

I met dh at 40 and had dss aged 11 and 9. But I had dated some men with issues before. I was really lucky to find him.

My dcs are adults now and neither have girlfriends. They're fantastic men. One is a bit shy but he's only early 20s and the other isa bit older and wary of dating sites. All of his friends have partners/wives. He's handsome intelligent and sensitive with lots of interests and a good job. I just hope he does find someone really nice one day. But he seems happy enough.

It's awful isn't it. So many lovely women and so few decent men.

Good news story. ..

I'm 46, single 7 yrs, 2dc. No desire to meet anyone. Happy on my own and accepted that I was likely to be on my own for some years yet.

6 ish months ago, met up with a group for a hobby, got along with with one, met several more times and we are now in a relationship. He is kind, funny, caring, attentive, affectionate....I have the best time with him. Its honestly amazing.

This. I've been dating for many years and the good men are 100% kept hold of, or are hanging in there for the right reasons.

Single men on the other hand generally have this pool of amazing women to date who have mostly dumped the dead weight..

It's a really unfortunate situation and the main reason I swore off dating.

OP

Not all men who met at uni are still married. They outgrow their partners too.
Not all good men are snapped up. Many settle.
People die and people move. The world is dynamic.
People escape shitty relationships BECAUSE they worked on their traumas and self esteem too, not just that they are shitty and no one wants them.

So to conclude, of course there are good men out there!

Rare- of course, but rare is not bad :)

I know some people have had different life experiences to me, and lucky them in terms of men!, but my own experiences has led me to the conclusion that there aren't as many good men as there are good women.

If you're a female 10/10, you'll take up the male 10/10s and the 9/10s. The female 9s get the 8/10s and the 7/10s. So if you consider yourself an 8/10 as a female, you need to be looking at the 6/10 males. A like for like match, they'll be able to punch higher.
So. Honestly. Just stay single. 😜

Men only seem to value and commit to younger women longterm. The men your age will want someone in their 20s. Well, to be frank, I think men any age want someone in their 20s, but 50+ blokes will still be pleased with a 30-something. (George Clooney, for example.)Edited

Lol! Erm...do not follow this advice.

In my experience there simply aren't enough 6ft plus, 'sporty" or 'athletic" men who "like to travel" (ie plenty of cash) and who are "professional" (ie plenty of cash.

Sadly they don't own a six bedroomed house in Warwickshire either with a heated swimming pool, which is a real shame.

If he could turn water into wine without wearing sandles then he's a keeper.

I'll pass

That's so true @Thatsthebottomline
On the apps, I found about 80% of the profiles depicted men who have no hobbies, no friends, absolutely nothing to say about themselves. Photos were just them standing with the same expression in different rooms of their (dirty, messy) house. Just absolutely nothing that would enhance a woman's life in any way.

100%, this works both ways!

I wonder what is he predominant reasoning here... I can see maybe three possibilities:

1 - There are no/rare good men on dating sites, and therefore none to find
2 - There are good men, but they are being rejected
3 - There are good men, but the woman is being rejected

But:
1 - There must be good men, just like there are good women
2 - If there are good men, on what grounds are they being rejected? Trivial things like height, nationality... you tell me... Are they simply snapped up too quickly?
3 - If it is the woman being rejected, maybe the solution is a 'peer review' - is this 'issue' something that can be corrected?

Perhaps we need a definition of "good"

But of your options I would say 1. It's rare on both sides and it's rare that a close match is within the same geographical radius search.

@Pinkbits
It's rare on both sides and it's rare that a close match is within the same geographical radius search.

So this implies that 'satisfactory' examples of both sexes are rare, and therefore it stands to reason that men are experiencing the same woes with women.

The scientist in me would love a peer review system for this! Half the time I'd imagine (like job interviews), people aren't even given feedback, and so keep making the same mistakes. Men coming on too strong in dates, women crossing their arms when the bill comes... basic red flags that can be (but often aren't) learned from and improved.

I would counter that you can't make those mistakes as they are who you are. If you come on strong then thats who you are, if women expect the man to pay, again thats better than pretending to do something you dont want to do.

People shouldnt downplay or up-play their personalities to "win" the other person.

@Pinkbits
(sorry, dragging you into a debate!)
I could also counter-counter that by asking whether that is simply arrogance on the part of the 'seeker'? It could somewhat be interpreted as a form of stubbornness, pride etc, in that you are saying "I am who I am, deal with it"... I'm more of the mind that one can reflect on, learn from, and improve upon ubiquitously agreed upon undesirable traits. We all have them!

I think this is often best demonstrated by the question "what do you have to offer (the opposite sex)?"... i.e., what are they going to get out of marriage? If social media is anything to go by, men often reel off possessions and accomplishments "I have a car, house, 6-figure salary, well-endowed, etc", whereas women will often say "he's getting me".

I think both sides are actually (usually) pretty poor at introspection in working out what they have to offer, and what the opposite sex actually wants.

My personal experience trying to date in late 30s/early 40s is that I only meet people who are interested in casual dating/sex with no strings attached. Those who seem to be interested in relationships seem to be either not dating or dating women in their 30s or younger although a lot of these big gap relationships don’t ultimately work out as my mid 30s friends have found out, or I thought they might be dating other parents since I don’t have kids. I only have three single friends mid 30s and they have all given up after many years on OLD and the real world.
I still think you should to the extent you can try to expand your circle at work or through kids activities if you don’t have time for hobbies. If you fancy a casual encounter/sex then this is what most people seem to be using OLD for.

Many men I know (mainly at work) that are in their 30's or 40's that have been married and had children tend to have stories of them having to move out the family home, paying a mortgage and rent, ex buys them out or sells the house. They then end up going from everything to nothing. It can either been seen as whinging, growing in to grumpy old men, or maybe that change that causes them to rebuild their lives, but protect what they've rebuilt. It depends what angle you look at it from.

If someone seems fearful of commitment, ask them why.

As a few good comments have said on here, don't look for Mr Perfect, because you're probably not Mrs Perfect.

I met my DP through work when I was 39, single with 2 SEN kids and was definitely not looking! Thought there was no way he’d want to sign up to be part of my stressful life. 4.5 years later, we live together and have recently got engaged. He has been married twice before, the first was when he was 19 because his GF was pregnant, lasted about 5 minutes, the second ended because she thought the grass was greener. He has a history but he’s a really great man and has dealt with the grief from my kids very well. Wouldn’t be without him now. Don’t give up!

No offence OP but as a late 30's divorcee if you are ruling out male divorcees because you have convinced yourself that men are at fault for their divorces then you are wilfully ruling out loads of decent men and so you wondering where they have all gone seems rather churlish.

Many men your age that are available will have come out of a marriage just like you.

@User50324 but age does not mean experience either?
A 20 yr old could have a very high body count due to liberated youth or uni times, whereas a woman who is 40 may have only ever been in one relationship so 'body count' is low(let's say married to one partner and he died or they divorced)

It’s much harder for a woman to find a good man than for a man to find a good woman unfortunately so I’ve given up!

Sorry, not much help!😆

I’m coupled up (fairly happily considering 2 small children etc!) but if I became single, I would look for a man about 8-10 years older. The men my own age (early 30s) have been a huge disappointment and I dated quite a few. I’m slim, pretty, well liked and have a good job etc and yet SO many of them were unappealing or just downright weird. Either they were aloof and disinterested (I remember one who only messaged back every 3 days or so yet was ‘devastated’ when I ended it) or they told me they loved me after 2 dates. They also just weren’t very… manly. No manners, constant talk about ‘feelings’ or having depression, allowing me to pay for things, living at home with mum and dad… no thanks.

I find men a little older (but not loads) to be more appealing - better dressed, more confident, more manly, more respectful. But it may be the circles I move in as all the men I know in this age group are professional.