Are there any good men left?

[TeamCurlies]

I'm in my late thirties, two children and 2 years post divorce. I'm ready to find love again.

I'm on two dating sites and I've been on one date in the last 6 months and all I see is red flags everywhere.

I can't help feeling that first marriages for most men have failed for a reason. I know you could say the same for women but it's well known and experienced that most marriages fail because of men. I can't imagine there are many men my age yet to commit for the first time?

Looking around at my friends, the ones in happy marriages are generally with Christian men who have strong moral and family values and take their marriage vows seriously. I am not a Christian.

I went on a date with one man who was still bitter with his ex wife 5 years post divorce which I felt was a major red flag.

I feel like I've missed the boat.
My ex was a disappointing choice from the beginning I now realise.
What is the likely background for a good man who might make a good husband at my age? I can't imagine that many men are wanting to commit for the first time? Has anyone found a good man post divorce at my age? Where might I find one?! Surely if they were a good family man, their wives would have kept them in the first place?!

Maybe I'm just being cynical but I'd love some advice!

Lots of men want a family.

I dated men in their thirties when I was in my twenties and they messed me around terribly. I don't think that they messed me around because they were in their thirties. But if I had been in my thirties myself I might have thought "Oh, men only commit to younger women" as the PP said. Really they weren't in a position to form a healthy relationship with anyone. As others have said - its numbers. Most decent men that want long relationships will already be in them and less likely to break up. It is true that age plays a role in attractiveness for sure. But stating that "men can only commit to someone younger" like its some scientific fact is silly. There are still decent men out there, and I don't have anything against older men (forties, even fifties) but I would be put of by them if they were specifically looking for someone younger than them.

I think there are demographic variations as play. Because in my world, I genuinely don't recognise this 'men date younger' thing. I'm not saying for a moment it wouldn't be their preference, but they simply wouldn't get the opportunity. A man in his early 30s with a mid 20s woman, yes, but 40s and 20s...not a chance.
I can only put the prevalence of the thinking that this is a thing down to a high proportion of people on here inhabiting worlds full of wealthy successful men who would be seen as a good prospect. However, the vast majority of the population are not in this demographic. Most men are not rich or successful. Most men do not look like the hot older man of myth. They're ordinary 40 year olds who will only attract same age women who think they have more in common with them than they would a younger man.

Lots of men want to be a dad. But I bet the thought of being a mother would horrify them.

I agree. Sure, I want a wife and kids much like I want a pizza tonight.

Do I want to be in a situation which drains my money, causes untold stress and upturns my life? Of course I don't.

Women seem more willing to make that sacrifice than men.

Also the financial strain many men are put under (I don't think many would have realised exactly what pressure this would be at the outset) means life is often miserable for all involved.

I'm sure it would for the majority of men. But then men can't be mothers.

I found family life hard as a woman. I found child care and child centered activities dull and struggled with the loss of autonomy. I wasnt surprised by it. I wanted children and young children are just a stage of that. I loved being a mum of teens and now having adult DC.
I think there was much more of a conspiracy of silence around it back then though. I certainly never 'confessed' that I literally skipped down the road to work in the morning at the time. I think maybe more women feel able to admit to that now (where its the case. I appreciate some women enjoy it).
Whereas conversely I think there's a greater expectation now that men should enjoy it. Years ago they weren't really expected to love trips to petting zoos and soft play, yet I see threads on here now with women disappointed by their partners lack of enthusiasm for these things. My view is you don't have to love it, but once you've signed up for it, you have to get you head down and get on with it. Women and men too.

I'm not referring to the biology of becoming a mother, obviously.

Being a mother is entirely a different role to a father. We all know what describing someone as a 'good dad' means. It's not half as much work, commitment and all the rest motherhood entails.

I'm a woman and at this stage in my life wouldn't mind being a dad. Being a mum though? No thanks, not anymore.

It would a fair many but then men getting a fair crack of the whip post divorce / separation when it comes to child related matters is pretty bloody difficult in a very biased system.

Aside of the biology, thats what i do at work. Childcare doesn’t have many men at all but we do exist. Personally, Id love to be a Dad but at my age I simply have to accept that that is never going to happen for me. Women are very put off by the low wages, the time is takes to do this job well and the example I set in my personal life. There is no compromise - 24 hours a day Im setting the example. I love it.

Do women want me ? No. I’ll of been on single for 18 years in November. Yes, a long time I was not that interested. I always thought that this was the pay off to having the best job in the world, but i want more for myself nowadays.

Women want that tall six foot plus guy who’s a banker or in a high paying job. He’s about mid thirties and he hasn’t aged at all. He’s got the house and the car. In his early days he was a bit wild but thats in the past. He’s got a group of friends in which they see as their “leader”. He’s at the gym three times a week and does charity runs.

He’s not been single long, his last partner cheated on him but he’s totally fine with that because he’s “moved on’. He might have a child who he sees once a week (acceptable) who is a talented dancer / pianist /actor and he’s her “biggest fan”. Physically he looks like Henry Cavill but he keeps his feelings to himself and has the aurora of being able to hurt someone if he really wanted to.

Of course, he’s got no police record or been involved in any trouble. Really he’s a pussycat who just looks like he’d hurt someone because thats in this guys nature. He often flies abroad for long weekends “on business” and loves the Greek islands for s “quick getaway”.\

Who needs a lie down ?😀

That depends on the individuals though doesn't it?

You obviously didn't have a "good man"...

@Thatsthebottomline have you seen the huge variety of couples out there? The stereotypical image you've conjured is not one that most women want nor do they marry.

I hope you find someone if that's what you want.

What do you mean 'have'?

But in the context of having to meet someone through OLD, as that's really the only avenue still open for many, being a man who is 40+, not good looking, under 6ft and in a low paying job, it is practically impossible to meet any woman who isn't a scammer or a psychopath.

@WalterLouSunset It really isn't the only avenue...

OLD is a shit way for women and men to meet each other. Its shit for women because you will match with lots of men but most of them will be looking for a quick shag/strange/untrustworthy and its almost impossible to filter out the decent ones based on the very superficial info available. And the numbers make that harder not easier. Its shit for men because there are far more men on there than women (see first point) and women are more selective about who they match with. Again because of the superficial information available its impossible for a "decent" guy who isn't a 6 foot adonis prove he isn't a shitty man who isn't a 6 foot adonis. So they get bitter and less attractive.

The best way to meet people is still real life - by going out and making connections. But the trick is, not to just focus on making connections with other single people (especially if male. Zeroing in like a horny homing pigeon on any unattached women who crosses their path is a bad move). Rather you realise that every time you meet someone, you are in fact widening your social circle not just to that individual but to everyone they know. Happily married women in particular like to set their unattached female friends up with people. It might be a lazy stereotype but its true. So any single man in their friendship group who is basically solid and dependable is potentially a match. If you aren't looking for a relationship this can be annoying. But if you are, potentially, then having more friends/a varied social life makes it more likely that you will meet someone indirectly.

Men in particular are worse at making friends/socialising for the sake of it. Or tend to have tunnel vision when it comes to, e.g. finding a girlfriend that they miss out on more indirect opportunities. But that is my advice.

@Thatsthebottomline And yet, the vast majority of women aren't going out with or married to the man you describe. So there is more going on than that.

@Ingens
3 husbands ( hope over experience )!
10 children !
Your mother is some woman!

I've been doing that for 7+ years since my divorce. Not once has anyone tried to set me up with a friend of theirs. Must just be me.

I can be blunt because I don't know you, but yes quite possibly there is something about the vibes you are giving off that you aren't aware of then. It probably isn't looks/lack of money because even the most shallow people aren't that shallow when it comes to potential matches for their friends. But if you have been hurt and are feeling despondent that may well come across asow self esteem, bitterness or general dislike of women.

My husband was dad to our girls. When I went back to work I did a lot of travelling, often Mon to Fri. DH looked after the girls, changed nappies, bathed them, bedtime, drop offs, basically during the week apart from work he was a single dad. Fortunately my mum and dad were happy to help if needed, but basically he coped.

I think most will step up. Sadly to many mumsnetters seem to fall for dead beats.

Some men do step up. But if they do, and the extent they do, seems more optional than for women still.

Respectfully, can I ask why you want a relationship OP?
You've been married once and had children.

I'm 39 and live with a useless man.
If we ever split up I'd hope to live alone, go on a few dates have a FWB maybe at that's it. Can't imagine living with a man again. Can you just enjoy going on dates for what it is? It's fun getting to know new people. Doesn't always have to lead anywhere. You might meet someone when you don't expect it IRL.

Don't ever give up though.
My MIL is almost 70 and has men knocking on her door asking to date her. No kidding. She lives in sheltered accomodation though! One came when I was there once! She has loads of hobbies, lots of confidence and gives the impression she isn't bothered about anyone.

Nah, it's not that, honestly.

So the way I look at it is that I'm a decent person who has just ended up single / back on the market. So why Wouldn't there be my male equivalent? Yes, there are plenty that aren't a match/decent/good men, but from some of the stories they've told over the years, there are a lot of wronguns on there from their point of view too!!!
I don't plan on giving up hope just yet!!!

The thing I don't like is the whole 'there are no decent men left' shtick.

If you, as a woman, want a guy who is hot, 6ft, rich, whatever...I don't care. Go after whatever it is you want, but don't start moaning that 'there are no decent men left' when what you really mean is 'there are no decent 6ft, hot, rich men left'. I know a lot of decent men, A LOT, who would simply be ignored in this assessment because they are not decent and attractive. Own your preferences.