Are there any good men left?

[TeamCurlies]

I'm in my late thirties, two children and 2 years post divorce. I'm ready to find love again.

I'm on two dating sites and I've been on one date in the last 6 months and all I see is red flags everywhere.

I can't help feeling that first marriages for most men have failed for a reason. I know you could say the same for women but it's well known and experienced that most marriages fail because of men. I can't imagine there are many men my age yet to commit for the first time?

Looking around at my friends, the ones in happy marriages are generally with Christian men who have strong moral and family values and take their marriage vows seriously. I am not a Christian.

I went on a date with one man who was still bitter with his ex wife 5 years post divorce which I felt was a major red flag.

I feel like I've missed the boat.
My ex was a disappointing choice from the beginning I now realise.
What is the likely background for a good man who might make a good husband at my age? I can't imagine that many men are wanting to commit for the first time? Has anyone found a good man post divorce at my age? Where might I find one?! Surely if they were a good family man, their wives would have kept them in the first place?!

Maybe I'm just being cynical but I'd love some advice!

Mate, you seem quite insecure. Why are you focused on what you don't have rather than what you do have?

I don't tick some of those boxes but have no issues in that regard.

I agree with this!

I don't think there's many women who think 'decent' means rich, hot and 6 foot. Generally women are not stupid. We know such men make up a minority of the overall 'offer' out there, and that even if that's our personal preference, we are unlikely to be get it due to supply and demand. What most women mean when they say 'decent' refers primarily to character, and so many have had such bad experiences with appalling behaviour from men, that the bar for that has dropped pretty low. Most men who are not physically repulsive lunatics will find a woman prepared to give them a chance somewhere out there.

Yes absolutely!

Tend to agree with this ^^ , I think your average slightly fat 40 year old man will probably end up with your average slightly fat 40 year old woman

But most marriages DO fail because of men. That is fact. 70% of divorces are filed by women.

90% of our prisons are taken up with men, and 10% women.

There are infinitely more absent fathers than mothers.

To pretend that there are equal numbers of good men as good women is just nonsense and does this problem no service.

There are good single men out there, but there are fewer of them than good single women, and that is the problem.

I’m certainly not after a hot, 6footer. I’m realistic in the looks department. My requirements are someone respectful, caring, can hold a conversation, has a job, does not live with their parents (or ex🙄), is not trying to chase numerous women, is not addicted to porn/drugs/gambling/alcohol! Pretty basic stuff, I barely get past a couple of days of online communication with any prospective date. I don’t want to meet anyone that starts talking about sex after a day or can’t write a coherent sentence. The truth is that men haven’t changed, we just see the real them more. I wonder if it’s because years ago we never interacted with them in significant numbers or saw their inner minds (as revealed online), we generally interacted with men differently and in limited situations.

Sometimes it takes a failed relationship to realise where you both went wrong. You can learn from them. And marriage isn't everything. I have been with my partner for over a decade, and have watched friends getting married and divorced in that time. Those relationships haven't been horrible. Just didn't last. Always easy to think grass is greener, my last partner was so terrible etc etc. But from my experience I see the same patterns and problems in every long term relationship. I'd like to think as people get older they get a little bit more measured, and adjust their expectations slightly.

The answer to this question is no, unfortunately.

Don't agree.
Know a couple met at 45 - 46
One widowed, one divorced.
Neither would have anything in common with a twenty something.
We're very happy for over 30 odd years until one died.

Brilliant post!
On reading the relationship threads about some of these terrible marriages, I often ask myself 'why on earth did you marry him?
He couldn't have changed that much?
The post above is spot on.

I have a son like this.
He wants to have a family
Some lucky girl will snap him up one day

Honestly for every shit man, there's a shit woman. This notion that the only single men out there who are late 30s upwards are the dregs and have issues is actually quite sexist.

I look at my friends and look at the single ones, one's an unemployed alcoholic who's fallen on hard times, one's a serial dater of unsuitable men, I had a friend who was so negative about everyone and everything (all men are arseholes etc). I know another woman who is so shallow, everything has to be designer and expensive. None of them would be very good catches really.

I'm the most normal one, my ex husband was an abusive arsehole and I'm not actually divorced yet (been separated 6 years though and have no idea where he is). So by mumsnet standards I'm not either but I'm actually quite normal, and have my shit together, I work a good job, own my own home, no ties etc. I'm also the one that is happiest with her life.

My older brother got married at 48, the other brother at 38. Absolutely nothing wrong with them. We used to joke that they'd be eternal bachelors but they just hadn't found the right women.

My experience of OLD as a 49 year old woman has been a fairly even divide between men who can’t be bothered “I’ll fill this in later/ anything you want to know just ask/just looking to see what this is all about” and who can barely string a sentence together if you do communicate with them, and then at the other extreme men whose photos depict them running marathons, riding bikes, skiing and climbing mountains and talk about travelling and weekend getaways etc which the majority of us with kids aren’t going to be able to manage. I don’t have the time, money or energy for all that and I know they’d want someone fit and slim, not some fat old woman who’d be happier in a coffee shop than atop a mountain.

The men I’ve swiped left on are invariably the bathroom/gym selfies, the ones in business attire and sunglasses who sound smarmy and impressed with themselves and anyone who talks about not being vanilla or looking for something odd (ethical non monogamy etc)

Anyone faintly normal, who can message me using proper English, doesn’t call be babe or honey from the get go, or talk about sex in his first message and who has some teeth in his photos, I’ll swipe right on.

Most of them fizzle because their offer for a first date is them cooking for me at their house (clueless!!) or they just ghost me, or their chat is so low energy that sometimes I actually call them out on it and say if you’re on here to actually meet someone you need to try a bit harder than just replying lol to my messages, or a single emoji!

I always tell my friends not to rule out men due to height or physique etc but whenever they try they end up getting the ick, ao there’s no helping some people! I’ve ended up with a 6’2” sporty guy, (against my usual preference!) by accident because I liked his spirituality and openness.

I do think being more open to different physical characteristics would help most people find love. I know many men will ruled me out for being fat when they themselves are not exactly Adonis, and that’s their loss because I’m an awesome girlfriend who is attentive, affectionate and generous. I guess you get whatever you settle for, so it really is just about numbers - keep looking until you both think you’ve peaked!

'One's a serial dater of unsuitable men'

Isn't that somewhat of an own goal?

Ditto the comment a bit upthread which berates women for ...choosing unsuitable men.

Well, yes, because there's so many of them, that's the point.

But most marriages DO fail because of men. That is fact. 70% of divorces are filed by women.

you just as easily argue that it’s women who cause most marriages to fail as it’s women who file for divorce 70% of the time 🤷🏻

you need to look beyond the numbers and at the causes

I had a friend who was so negative about everyone and everything (all men are arseholes etc). I know another woman who is so shallow, everything has to be designer and expensive. None of them would be very good catches really.

I know men and women like this, some are negative about everything and everyone and for others everything has to have a label or be associated with designer, they are so tiresome

The thing is, you are looking at the shallowness from your perspective. I would hate to be with someone who only cared about labels/everything being designer etc. I am sure many men would. But some men would have absolutely 0 problem with this, there are plenty of men out there who are also shallow about designer stuff. So what looks like a character deficit to you isn't necessarily a barrier.

@BigPussyEnergy "I do think being more open to different physical characteristics would help most people find love. I know many men will ruled me out for being fat when they themselves are not exactly Adonis, and that’s their loss because I’m an awesome girlfriend who is attentive, affectionate and generous. "

Yes, but my issue was I didn't WANT a man to go "Biscuits is very unattractive but meh, I guess at my age/the way I look, I have to settle." Realistically, I know there will always be more attractive women out there but if someone isn't attracted to me at all then I would rather they did just rule me out. I think online dating in particular sets up this weird, very gamified space where you can't know the intentions/feelings of the people on the other end of the phone and it basically forces people to be very cunning and strategic. I don't think its healthy.

As I said, there are good men out there, but I think its much harder to find them online than in real life. Even in terms of assessing attractiveness - I find it really hard to judge whether I would fancy someone in the flesh based on just their physical stats and a few photos. So I do agree about being "open to physical characteristics". Its just that OLD encourages the opposite.

😂😂 an interesting take! Yes I'm sure the women filing for divorce are doing so because their stbxh are wonderful.

All the filing for divorce stat tells you really is who does most of life's paperwork/boring life admin.

If I found myself single I'd rather stay that way than date some crusty 10-20 years older than me.

I relate to this so much as a 36 year old woman.

I'm mainly looking for someone who I can have a decent conversation with. I've been on plenty of first dates over the last year but the only guy who didn't lose interest after that was the one I let down gently after I realised he was just after regular booty calls.

A lot of guys on dating apps I come across are after no strings fun, are in open relationships, or want someone to travel the world with.

or want someone to travel the world with.

I'd love someone to travel the world with(I even get cheap flights/holidays) but come 45/46 they all have beer bellies and giant fish.

No we don't.