Not sure if I can , or should, move on from this.

[Memoria]

Its a money one.
Been with DH for over 30 years. Have worked FT for the majority of that time except 2 x MAT leaves.
DH is older than me ( 18 years).
So he has always described himself as careful with money. I would describe him as verging on financially abusive.
We are mortgage free, he has a decent pension and I work nearly FT. From the outside all very nice. There is money for (his) hobbies and interests. Not mine. Never has been money for me. Never an outright no but always a reason why I couldnt have or do X this month. Usual reason was a specific amount in savings that he was aiming for. As soon as that target was reached he would treat himself / the kids/ his friends. Never me.
We have had massive arguments about this over the years and every time he is appalled at his behaviour and things change for a month or 2. Wr nearly split up 5 years ago because I had taken on a 2nd job to pay for Concert tickets, travel and accommodation for his significant birthday and did it half and half with our adult DC. He not only told EVERYONE that the DC paid and I got him nothing then 8 months later on my birthday I got a €5 amazon voucher.

I am not a shrinking violet by any means and always tell him exactly what my expectations are for Birthdays, Xmas ect and he has never, not once actually got me what I asked for.
I could go on for pages and pages of incidents including having to take out a credit card to get my glasses and delaying dental work by months because " there isnt enough money in the account " (€10's thousands in account).
So it all blew up again and this time Im fucking done and have seen a solicitor. DH is besides himself with remorse and promising the world. I do love him and he is genetous with his time and would ( at the moment) do anything I asked bit I dont know if I could or should try again.

I don't know whether you should try again.

What I can advise you is that if you do try again then separate finances is the way to go.

Work out joint bills. If no mortgage they should be pretty low. Pay 50:50 each. Then the rest of the money is yours to do with as you want.

I divorced mine but we had issues beyond financial.

He wants to keep you as you bring in money, so of course he promises to change. But believe me he won’t.

Hell no, divorce this abusive arse without a second thought.

You don’t know if he wants you or just doesn’t want to lose money in a divorce. If you do decide to try again it will give him chance to squirrel away any assets. Personally I would split everything down the middle and then decide if you want to remain in the relationship. This includes finding out if you entitled to any of his pension.

Do you want this to carry on forever? If you e seen a Solicitor, have you got evidence of all of his assets.

The thing that woukd bother me probably more than the financial abuse is the sheer mean spirited way he treats you. How dare he let you do a second job to pay for things for him then tell everyone that you got him nothing and how can he let someone he loves suffer because they can't have glasses and dental treatment?

Protect your finances and don’t give him another chance.

He's had many, many, many chances to change. He's known all along that he's making you desperately unhappy. He's known that what he's doing is unfair. He's known that he's used you as an earner, but considers himself to have complete control of the money.

He has always been financially abusive. He isn't going to change now. He will make promises until you're back in your place then revert to type. He needs you not to divorce him as that, for him, will be the ultimate loss of financial control - he'll have to share the money with you fairly. For him, that's the absolutel worst case scenario now. Not losing his wife. Losing his money.

Besides, even if he changed from hereon in, could you really forgive and forget the years of abuse that came before??

Sounds like you're done.
He's made promises before but things only change for a while then go back to normal.
He's upset now but if you back down it will go back to normal.
He's financially abusing you.
He's not a nice person, I'm actually appalled at your 2nd job to pay for his bday then he dismissed your input to other people, saving up for dental treatment?????
Absolutely outrageous.
Only you know what you want to do but I couldn't live like that, hats off to you that you lasted 30 yrs, save yourself op, enjoy your life and your money

I'd tell him he can transfer half the savings into an account in your name today or you will start the ball rolling for divorce.
You are married?
I'm assuming you already have an account in your name!

Jesus Christ no you shouldn’t have got over any of the other things. What’s genuinely horrible man. Yes of course he’s promising the world, his money maker looks like she’ll be gone and then he’ll have less.

The only thing I’d do is tell him you’ll reconsider if he tells EVERYONE that you’re thinking of divorce because of his behaviour and order him to tell the truth about the birthday fiasco and what he did to you.

Then after he’s done that, divorce the pig anyway.

Oh yes and also tot up half the savings, add on the cost of all the things you cite which should have been paid for from them (his birthday, the glasses, teeth, and pick a hobby you’d have had in a NORMAL non-abusive marriage and make a reasonable assessment of what that would have cost, add that on), tell him to transfer that amount immediately before you’ll even talk.

Of course he's saying this now. He's panicking that you'll take your legal entitlement in the divorce.

It'll be the only way you'll ever see a penny of it - if you call the divorce off, he'll not just go back the same, he'll be a thousand times worse, probably trying to hide it somewhere it can't be traced, claiming that you can't buy food because the 'legal fees' mean that he hasn't got enough money, etc, etc, etc.

He is revolting.
Cannot believe you haven't divorced him already.
He won't change at all and even if he did he's had 30 years to do it - why would you even want to stay after that?

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You need to divorce him and from that rebuild your life. Financially abusive men like described are often abusive towards their target in other ways too.

Does your son know? He really should

How many more chances are you going to give this absolutely awful man? You have one life. Do you really want to spend it with an abusive arse?

If your daughter was in this position what would you tell her to do?

I don't think you should move on from this, I think you should move ahead with the divorce. Make sure you have copies of any financial information you can get hold of before he starts trying to hide money.

Also I do find it difficult to believe this is the only way in which he is abusive and controlling. Him gaslighting you over his birthday treat for example, is incredibly humiliating.

Please move on with your life without regret.

He's not beside himself with remorse, he's beside himself with how much you would be entitled to.

Divorcing him is the only way you will get a fair deal..... if he's been like this for 30 years he is not going to change now.

30 years in he isn't going to change... He is probably worried as a single man
A - the lawyer will get you a fair share
B-he will have to pay someone for all you had been doing.

You have wasted 30 years with a mean abusive lying pig.
An OLD mean abusive lying pig.
Of course he doesn't want his skivvy not being around to look after him.
Divorce his arse and take back some control and self respect.
He has shown you clearly who he is.
You have a great future away from this awful weasel if you will only grab it.

Divorce him and live the rest of your life free from this abusive monster. He’s promising to change. He won’t. Money is what he worships, not you.

Divorce him. Split the assets 50/50.

Then if you still want to, you can keep a relationship with him. But with separate finances.

That way you get the benefit of all the frugality you've had to endure over the years.

He's 18 years too old.for you.
He's not letting you spend YOUR OWN money and being abusive.

Leave. Asap! There's no advantage here for you

Where are all these savings? At least half need to be transferred to.ypur name immediately so you can access at will. Work out core expenses and put money into joint to manage tha. All other money is your own.

But no, he probably.wont change because you have kicked.off before and did nothing so he doesn't really believe it's different this time.

Personally, I couldn't be with a man who had so little.care for me or lied about me.

Oh and get good legal advice. You are entitled to a decent share of his pension