Not sure if I can , or should, move on from this.

[Memoria]

Its a money one.
Been with DH for over 30 years. Have worked FT for the majority of that time except 2 x MAT leaves.
DH is older than me ( 18 years).
So he has always described himself as careful with money. I would describe him as verging on financially abusive.
We are mortgage free, he has a decent pension and I work nearly FT. From the outside all very nice. There is money for (his) hobbies and interests. Not mine. Never has been money for me. Never an outright no but always a reason why I couldnt have or do X this month. Usual reason was a specific amount in savings that he was aiming for. As soon as that target was reached he would treat himself / the kids/ his friends. Never me.
We have had massive arguments about this over the years and every time he is appalled at his behaviour and things change for a month or 2. Wr nearly split up 5 years ago because I had taken on a 2nd job to pay for Concert tickets, travel and accommodation for his significant birthday and did it half and half with our adult DC. He not only told EVERYONE that the DC paid and I got him nothing then 8 months later on my birthday I got a €5 amazon voucher.

I am not a shrinking violet by any means and always tell him exactly what my expectations are for Birthdays, Xmas ect and he has never, not once actually got me what I asked for.
I could go on for pages and pages of incidents including having to take out a credit card to get my glasses and delaying dental work by months because " there isnt enough money in the account " (€10's thousands in account).
So it all blew up again and this time Im fucking done and have seen a solicitor. DH is besides himself with remorse and promising the world. I do love him and he is genetous with his time and would ( at the moment) do anything I asked bit I dont know if I could or should try again.

If you stay in this relationship, absolutely separate finances.

Have a shared account where both of you pay 50% of joint bills into each month, and they go out by direct debit. Contribute half of an agreed food budget.

Make sure you BOTH have access to the savings account. It sounds like he has essentially stolen your money and saved it for himself?

All of the rest of your earnings are yours.

I would seek legal advice though.

This!

Sorry just saw your follow on post about the mints - this is beyond financial abuse. It's awful.

I honestly don't believe for a second that it isn't absolutely intentional. His contrition is an act, gaslighting.

DH was always less generous than me and rather controlling with money. I took his lead and became a bit stingy with him, then a strange thing happened. The more I behaved like him, the nicer he behaved towards me. I think he respected me for making a stand and now we're a lot older I handle all the finances in a much better and fairer manner.

So OP if divorce really isn't an option for you, state your case and mean it. Don't cave, and don't feel sorry for him.

If we divorced the ripple effect on our adult children would be massive.

I'm so sorry you have had this to deal with for so long that it has become normalised for you. If not for yourself, please Consider What the effect is on your audit children of their mother being routinely financially abused by their father.

Hesitate only to get your 'ducks in a row' the actual details account number, sort code name of provider for all his banking and financial arrangements.

Lodge these with your solicitor and make a claim for divorce for financial abuse.

Then think about the settlement to ask for. A fair division would be half for you of all his current assets plus as amount to make up for all you have been denied over thirty years.

It's always useful to have something in your claim that you can negotiate. If you start at your final offer then where can you go?

Start building your life for the future free of this dreadful man. Stick around here for good support from the so called vipers who can see hat sort of person he is. All the best

I’m so cross on your behalf!
What a selfish abusive and mean man you are married to!
Ok, so if he is willing to make changes then make a list of what you want.
Then make a separate list of what you will accept. Don’t tell him what’s in the accept list.
Ask for full access and transparency to all financial information including pensions. Get bank statements out and through it to ensure he isn’t stashing savings. If he won’t sit with you to tally the bank statements then he is not going to get any better.
infact I would ask for one thing, sit down and go through the banking together. His reaction will tell you what to do next.
Tell him he is financially abusing you.

If all monies are in joint names, transfer half to a sole account in your name before you see a solicitor so he can't beat you to it...

I'm assuming your dc are adults-would you be happy for them to put up with this abuse from their partners? You are showing them that this treatment is acceptable if you stay.

You are not doing your family a favour by putting up with this and you deserve better. Good luck op 💐

And take half of all savings into your own account.
All bills are half and half.
Stop paying for everything !!
mortgage free you can’t have that many outgoings.
This is his time to prove himself, not yours!!!
Find your power and put a stop to his despicable behavior, he sure isn’t going to change…. But you can.

I also think your kids will be relieved. The fact your sons partner has said things to you, means he's definitely said stuff behind the scenes. Whatever ripple effect it might have is just part of life.
Also, think about how you feel about your kids. You love them right? And because you love them, you want them to be welland happy, want them to have money for essentials and nice things.
Your husband doesn't want that for you, so how can he possibly say he loves or even cares for you?
The cynic in me thinks the only reason he is fighting for the relationship is because he's realised you will walk off with half.

What a horrible man.

Separate finances and divorce.

As for 'divorcing will cause a ripple effect with the adult children' wtf cares. They're adults they'll get over it. If they moan just say "Well if you're father wasn't an abusive prick we wouldn't have to get divorced."

Take your half of the savings and put them in a different account and spend them on advice from a good divorce solicitor and a flat to live in while the house is sold.

Because if you're about 50 and he's 70ish you've got a window now in which to take action before you get trapped as his carer, when you could literally start again with your financial freedom and get your life back.

Your choice, but you're definitely at a fork in the road.

Your adult children will understand, trust me. It's very clear to everyone around you what the situation is. Anyone that loves you wants better than this for you. Give yourself permission to want more than scraps.

Tell your children the truth.
How they do not know is astounding and frankly unbelievable.
You are 30 years deep into financial and coercive control.
Contact Women's aid for support and legal recommendations.

Your kids know their Father is a complete tight arse. They won't respect him for this - and maybe wonder why you put up with it.
I suspect you have minimised this for years to keep the peace.
Personally I couldn't be with someone who was willing to spend money on themselves yet resented me buying anything but second hand clothes. And blatantly lied about money - the misunderstanding nonsense is lies.
If you do love him (hard to see how you could) then get another bank account opened. Pay bills from your joint account only, pay money from your new bank account (where your salary gets paid into from now on) for your share of the bills. The rest of the money is yours to do with as you please. Make sure all savings are equally accessible to you. If not - think about divorce.

Your children are presumably adults? So they are old enough to understand that sometimes marriages don't work out.

I think you've been the boiled frog for years OP. Take back control. Be free. It's not too late.

Sadly I think I remember your previous thread

So I always put €30 in the car, with the mints it was €31.20. Looks utterly ridiculous written down.

The ONLY reason he is full,of ‘remorse’ and promising to change (again) is that he knows you are entitled to quite a lot. And you have EARNED it.

He sounds absolutely awful. Meanness is a truly horrible trait. To even begrudge you a measly packet of mints is disgusting. Much less dental treatment etc.

You deserve much better. And yes there will be fall out and an adjustment period for your children but they will adjust. They have their own lives. And I would say at the very least your son’s partner will be understanding if he is already picking up on it enough to comment.

Grandchildren care, elderly parent care. H isnt a pantomime baddie, he does a lot to help family on both sides.

What is actually keeping you with your abuser - and how can we help you free yourself?

Is it true that you have posted before? You can of course post as many times as you like, but I imagine previous advice would have been very similar, so what is holding you back?

Just saw your update.

None of this would need to stop if you left him.

Put your lifevest on first and save yourself!!

Why would your DH not continue to help with grandchildren and elder care if you got divorced? Or have I misunderstood?

Thank you, he has already set me up on the online banking and made me the primary on the account ( not in the UK).

The thing Im mulling over is this its too late, CAN he really change.

He is not verging on financially abusive, he's been mired in it for years. He will not change. Presumably if you've been together 30 years and he's 18 years older than you he is in his seventies? So your future is either probably being a carer sooner rather than later, carrying on as you are, or divorce. I would strongly recommend the latter. This man is a toxic, gaslighting liar. He doesn't love you. Please do the Freedom programme to help you see just how bad he is, as I really don't think you see it as others would.

Just seen your latest updates. Stop making excuses for this vile, vile man.