Not sure if I can , or should, move on from this.

[Memoria]

Its a money one.
Been with DH for over 30 years. Have worked FT for the majority of that time except 2 x MAT leaves.
DH is older than me ( 18 years).
So he has always described himself as careful with money. I would describe him as verging on financially abusive.
We are mortgage free, he has a decent pension and I work nearly FT. From the outside all very nice. There is money for (his) hobbies and interests. Not mine. Never has been money for me. Never an outright no but always a reason why I couldnt have or do X this month. Usual reason was a specific amount in savings that he was aiming for. As soon as that target was reached he would treat himself / the kids/ his friends. Never me.
We have had massive arguments about this over the years and every time he is appalled at his behaviour and things change for a month or 2. Wr nearly split up 5 years ago because I had taken on a 2nd job to pay for Concert tickets, travel and accommodation for his significant birthday and did it half and half with our adult DC. He not only told EVERYONE that the DC paid and I got him nothing then 8 months later on my birthday I got a €5 amazon voucher.

I am not a shrinking violet by any means and always tell him exactly what my expectations are for Birthdays, Xmas ect and he has never, not once actually got me what I asked for.
I could go on for pages and pages of incidents including having to take out a credit card to get my glasses and delaying dental work by months because " there isnt enough money in the account " (€10's thousands in account).
So it all blew up again and this time Im fucking done and have seen a solicitor. DH is besides himself with remorse and promising the world. I do love him and he is genetous with his time and would ( at the moment) do anything I asked bit I dont know if I could or should try again.

"
Grandchildren care, elderly parent care. H isnt a pantomime baddie, he does a lot to help family on both sides."

@Memoria , if he's a good person in every other way, why will care be impacted? Will he withdraw it to punish you? Because that's not 'good person' behaviour.

Sit him down with your son. Tell him 'this is what you need to do' to make up for building his savings and lifestyle at your expense (also known as financial abuse).

List
the assets that need to be moved into joint names/ your name.
the direct debits that need to be set up so he contributes the appropriate share of household expenses.

Consider whether you could then retire or go very part time and share his leisure and hobbies that he's currently financing off your work.

He doesn't love you. He loves what you bring to him.

He's treated you like a subordinate for thirty years.

He loves his big pot of money and doesn't want to wave goodbye to half of it. This isn't going to change, he won't even acknowledge it's happening if he puts it down to misunderstanding.

Zero accountability, zero respect for you, zero change possible. One life, your choice.

He wouldn’t do anything for you though. He wouldn’t see you have any nice clothes, that’s just for him. He wouldn’t want you to have a 1.30 packet of mints. He wouldn’t pay household bills so you aren’t going crazy with stress. He wouldn’t stop you from working two jobs. He wouldn’t even thank you for a generous gift. He wouldn’t make a fuss of you on your birthday. On Christmas. It is not important to him that you are happy, well or that you feel loved.

your son sounds like he has a wonderful husband to be though. Take pride in your family, you know your kids didn’t learn generosity and caring from him.

OP - it's pretty obvious you have no intention o fleaving. So you have to be 100% clear on how the finances are goign to work. And this means you can'nt rely on him to "change". Instead, the entire way the finances work has be different.

So, it's all very well setting you up on the online bank account, fine. But where is the money that you've been saving all these years? That needs to be accessible to you. I'd recommend that it is sent to you, in your name, and only you can access it. Or at least half of it.

Then, when it comes to other expenses, you need complete access to money.

If he doesn't think birthdays are important, tell him from now on you will not be spending extra. Agree a set amount of budget for both of you and spend that. Make it clear that if he doesn't spend that money on you, you will be cross. And that you will NOT be spending more than the budget "because birthdays aren't important to you."

Do not, ever spend any of your own personal money on any sort of joint household expense. Ever. That all comes from the joint account. If there is insufficient funds, you will both transfer immediately the exact same amount of money.

Personally, I don't think he can change. But if you can take the power away from him, maybe you can make it work. I have doubts.

"
Grandchildren care, elderly parent care. H isnt a pantomime baddie, he does a lot to help family on both sides."

@Memoria , if he's a good person in every other way, why will care be impacted? Will he withdraw it to punish you? Because that's not 'good person' behaviour.

Sit him down with your son. Tell him 'this is what you need to do' to make up for building his savings and lifestyle at your expense (also known as financial abuse).

List
the assets that need to be moved into joint names/ your name.
the direct debits that need to be set up so he contributes the appropriate share of household expenses.

Consider whether you could then retire or go very part time and share his leisure and hobbies that he's currently financing off your work.

He loves money more than you and he’s proven that time and time again over 30 years. I agree he’s terrified half ‘his’ money is about to walk out the door

He gives up his time to save money… he doesn’t have to pay someone else to do the jobs. Bet he tells you and everyone else how wonderful he is and not many men would do what he does (which is utter crap my dh goes to my mums on ‘holidays’ and does a bloody list of jobs.

read back you statement that you are not fucking allowed to buy a packet of fucking mints and you work full time.

you got an extra job to get him a treat and he wasn’t grateful… in fact he was pissed off as you can tell from your next birthday gift.

you shop in charity shop (nothing wrong with that except it’s not a choice)

meanwhile he buys mints, new clothes, has a hobby £££.

if a friend told you this what would you say to them??

abuse is not All the time or you would have recognised it years ago and left. Because it’s money and he’s not hitting you doesnt make it less abusive just a different way of maintaining power over you. He knows you want to keep the family together and uses it against you.

if you choose to stay, get half the money in your own bank account. I also think you need therapy so that I’m 6 months you are not allowing this to continue as 30 years is embedded in your relationship and you won’t see it creeping in.

I could almost understand if he had a pathological need to amass cash and a scarcity mindset.

I can see how some people would find a sense of safety doing that.

But the reality is he treats himself and the DC and very specifically and deliberately leaves you out.

That's PERSONAL. He doesn't value you and he's cruel. He's also savvy enough to allege "miscommunication" when exposed and confronted by your DC.

Cruel and manipulative.

I literally have no idea what Im going to do, Im not going to rush in to any decision but Ive seen a solicitor for legal advice. I have full acess to savings. We have mirror wills.
On paper everything is equitable. In real life there is always a ( reasonable, in his eyes) reason why I shouldnt spend money " this month". Never an outright no, just a " It would be better if ...."
Of course if he needs anything he just gets it.
Yes, SIL to be has got his number, definitely.

Personally, I don't think he can change. But if you can take the power away from him, maybe you can make it work. I have doubts.

I agree. That's why I suggested splitting the money. I don't think he will, though, so then you will know quite plainly where you stand.

My heart goes out to you. You have been deprived for all of these years.

Greed is not love, he makes himself helpful does he? Well he will continue to do that whether you are there are not

Have your children copied his tight ways? You ought to check that

So he gave you access in order to keep you under his control but then if you dare to spend anything then he starts with the mental abuse, which wears you down so you give up

Why not go online and order yourself something nice? Did he ever pay for the kids? Treat them? Do you go on holidays?

Go and spend a £100 then if he says anything just scream at him to get out and tell him to eff off and never come back!

Glad to hear you have wills etc sorted.
I agree with pp though, he is not a nice or caring man. Quite simply he's very selfish and mean.

Whatever his other "good points" might be, he has treated you very cruelly over the years and there is no excuse for it.

Imagine how you would feel & what you would say if your son came to you in future years and told you his husband had treated him this way?
Please leave this man before you become his carer and really are trapped.

@op. Sorry I misunderstood. You have full access to the money, but you aren’t allowed to spend anything?

what would happen if you bought yourself £250 of clothes today? And what would happen if you spent £20 in a charity shop? Does he check the bank every day and question you on it?

Does your salary go into this account? But you are only allowed to spend a little bit and the rest is saved?

And what is he intending to spend your nest egg on? Or does he just like looking at the increasing balance? Never to be spent? Ever?

Yes, I had the same question as @GimmeGin . Never an outright no, just a " It would be better if ...."

What happens if you simply said 'okay. Gonna buy it anyway'? I think based on the reaction to you buying an unsanctioned packet of mints the response would not be 'okey dokey, carry on then'.

If were you, before you go to divorce, be sneaky, be pliable and photocopy every damn document you can find. I bet he's that tight, he has probably secret savings. You've been married a long time. You're entitled to a lot and he knows this. Bide your time until you get the document copies.

What a tight, abusive man. God knows how you’ve stuck it for so long. I suspect his recent turnaround is to do with how much he would lose in a divorce settlement. You have decades left to live your best life. Without him.

You say you have access to the savings - do you truly believe the amount reflects what he has squirrelled away all these years?

or could he have more?

Either you stay and he transfers half 'his' savings to your account, or you divorce and he transfers half of 'his' savings to your account.

He obviously loves money more than you. Letting you go without dental treatment? Work a second job to buy a gift that he's not even thanked you for?!

I don’t think it verges on financially abusive, I think it is financially abusive.

He also sounds extremely selfish, ungrateful and inconsiderate. Do you want to spend the next 10 years feeling like a second class citizen in your own relationship and family?

speak to Women's Aid and get some advice.

Get info on:

house worth- is it possible to get an estate agent round for a valuation without husband knowing?

his pension amount/your pension amounts

amount of savings/other assets

household bills currently- you can put together a spreadsheet of estimated bills for when youre living on your own

its great youve got a job already and independence

im also just leaving a 26 year marriage and divorcing so i know its not easy. The thought of my own home tho… keeps driving me on

You’re his cash cow, of course he doesn’t want you to leave. If I were you he wouldn’t see me for dust.

I would not be with a man like this.

But if you want to be then at the very least you need to have your own separate accounts.

You should have a separate account that you get paid into and then you can put 50% of your wages into the joint account and he do the same.
All joint expenses, including things to do with kids should come from the joint account and you should be free to spend the rest of the money in your separate account as you wish.

This is financially abusive because you seem to not have access to the money at all and he’s telling you no, even though it’s your money too.

Good grief. Do not try again.

He is absolutely financially abusive. He's using money to control (and even humiliate) you. And he won't change. This is coercive control through finance. It's downright cruel for someone to watch their partner of 30 years get into credit card debt to afford things like dental treatment and glasses while sitting on tens of thousands and spending money on hobbies and luxuries for themselves. The €5 Amazon voucher was an obvious and deliberate humiliation. You must be able to see that, surely? You must be able to see that he gets a kick out of watching you scrimp and struggle to buy him gifts while he gives you fuck-all in return? He gets off on this.

A while ago on here, there was a thread where someone's boyfriend had given her a list of several designer items he wanted for his birthday, knowing that she wasn't well off, and she'd had to go without essentials and work her arse off for months to buy them for him. Then a couple of weeks later he told her he'd just stuck them on eBay, even though he didn't need the money. This is the same thing as what your husband is doing - deliberate humiliation/rejection/control/emotional manipulation, through money, because it gives them a thrill.

You know how men who hit their wives always promise it will never happen again and that this time they will change and they'll go to anger management classes and things will be different? And then they're lovely for a couple of months, and then they invariably hit their wife again? Replace violence with financial abuse and that's your husband. He's just using money instead of his fists.

You are 100% right to be divorcing him - you should have done it years ago.

Your adult children don’t need you together OP they need you happy, this is one of the most financially abusive abd I suspect highly controlling relationships. Take your fair share (which I suspect he will fight you for) buy a nice flat and live the next stage of your life happy and free

Actually where is OP’s life re hobbies? She can’t do anything because they cost money which he won’t allow her to spend yet he’s happy to spend on his hobbies.

Can you access the savings? If not get him to transfer you half immediately