Not sure if I can , or should, move on from this.

[Memoria]

Its a money one.
Been with DH for over 30 years. Have worked FT for the majority of that time except 2 x MAT leaves.
DH is older than me ( 18 years).
So he has always described himself as careful with money. I would describe him as verging on financially abusive.
We are mortgage free, he has a decent pension and I work nearly FT. From the outside all very nice. There is money for (his) hobbies and interests. Not mine. Never has been money for me. Never an outright no but always a reason why I couldnt have or do X this month. Usual reason was a specific amount in savings that he was aiming for. As soon as that target was reached he would treat himself / the kids/ his friends. Never me.
We have had massive arguments about this over the years and every time he is appalled at his behaviour and things change for a month or 2. Wr nearly split up 5 years ago because I had taken on a 2nd job to pay for Concert tickets, travel and accommodation for his significant birthday and did it half and half with our adult DC. He not only told EVERYONE that the DC paid and I got him nothing then 8 months later on my birthday I got a €5 amazon voucher.

I am not a shrinking violet by any means and always tell him exactly what my expectations are for Birthdays, Xmas ect and he has never, not once actually got me what I asked for.
I could go on for pages and pages of incidents including having to take out a credit card to get my glasses and delaying dental work by months because " there isnt enough money in the account " (€10's thousands in account).
So it all blew up again and this time Im fucking done and have seen a solicitor. DH is besides himself with remorse and promising the world. I do love him and he is genetous with his time and would ( at the moment) do anything I asked bit I dont know if I could or should try again.

Agree with everybody saying move half the money into a separate account. However, for the splitting bills 50:50 - it seems likely that he used to earn more than the OP but insisted on her paying ‘her share’, which conveniently meant he had loads of disposable income and she had none. If that’s the case then a fair split would be to ensure equal leftover money after bills, not 50:50. On the other hand, if OP’s income now exceeds his as he’s retired, insist on the 50:50 as that’s what he made you do for years.
how’s your pension? Were you allowed to make decent contributions to that? If not then you’re also owed that money and it should be moved straight to your pension to be invested (perhaps over a few years to avoid tax implications) not left in a shared account.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

Be brave, @Memoria !!!

I'm not a betting woman, but I am willing to bet a fair sum that you will not regret leaving this controlling, abusive miser and this shitty life.

How old are you and how old is he OP? I fear your only value to him going forward is as a nurse with a purse.

Please leave the horrible abusive cunt. Don’t waste another second on this vile man.

They are adults. You tell them exactly what your finances have been like the entire time, and then leave them to make up their own minds about which of their two parents is being unreasonable.

Say to him that you want the same amount of money as he has spent over the past 30 years. Get him to add it up them put it in your bank account.

Then leave him.

This is one of the worst threads I've EVER read on here - and that's saying something. You don't seem to understand how abnormal and abusive this is.

He’d do anything for you, except let you buy new clothes, like he has for himself, or even a packet of mints. OP… you can’t live like this.

Adding to one of the worst threads I’ve read here. He’s really done a number on you OP.

So she waits around for him to be good or to slip up again.

What about all the years when he’s not allowed her to have a hobby where she spends money, buys charity shop clothes, is berated for spending pennies over essential items?

I was on holiday with my close friend and her DH and their teenage DD’s in Paris from USA, I travelled from London. Air miles and Marriott points from his business travel paid for their trip. The DH would make them walk miles every day into the evening so we found a cheap place to eat. I ended up paying for a couple of meals out plus ice creams/coffees. One of his DD’s who already had a hearing problem and prone to infection got a bad ear infection requiring medication whilst we were there, doctor said she seemed run down, unsurprising if she’s walking miles with not a lot of food. After that his wife who works but not a high paying job, had a word with him, I couldn’t say anything but she was really angry with him. He’s happy to spend money on his preferred food (Vietnamese and other) or on where he wants to go or his sports equipment. So she demanded a fairer deal and got it. But it wasn’t as bad as this man.

This is horrific, as is what he did regarding the birthday gift.

He's not verging on abusive, he is 100% abusive. He treats you with utter contempt and lack of care.

Please leave him. You only get one life, and this situation isn’t fixable. Your children are adults, and they will cope just fine. What impact do you think it has on them to see their mother treated like this?

Exactly!!

There is no difference between this and him putting into his account and you having no physical access to it.

If you had access to it then you’d be able to use it but you can’t.

He gives you the illusion that you have access to it but you don’t.

Imagine as a child having a swimming pool in your back garden but not being allowed to use it.
Yes you would still have a swimming pool and you’d have physical access to it but if you’re not allowed to use it then you don’t actually have access to it at all and it might as well not be there.

Just back from the bank. 50% of the savings are now in my name then he took me for lunch.

Wow!! I’m very impressed there @Memoria

What did your dh say about it?

You’re now seeing a divorce lawyer eh?!

Soz, I can just see constant battles here. He’ll change and be good for a while then revert back to the old him. Or he’ll berate you for having half savings or comment negatively on what you spend it on. What he’s done is the sign of a desperate man so he’s done it because he knows how much he has to lose.

He had said it yesterday,, I told him id believe it when i see it then he suggested going today .
I think DS has intervened.

He’s manipulating you. Surely you know that? You say you’ve had enough, he cries crocodile tears and manipulates you back into the abusive situation, exactly where he wants you.

I cannot express to you @Memoria how disturbing it is for us reading your thread, because you have NO IDEA how fucked up your relationship is. This is one of the most disturbing threads I’ve read on here, which, as we can all agree, is saying something.

This

Do people really still physically visit banks to move savings around?

I agree with PP that these are crocodile tears. He doing just enough to keep you onside, but he's not going to change. 30 years of treating you with contempt isn't going to disappear overnight.

How are you 100% certain that it IS 50%?

Exactly this.

Sorry cross post with you OP

is it just in your name? Will he see anything you spend from that account?

I think you need to go shopping tomorrow and buy some lovely new clothes at full price. Get a fancy haircut and anything else you fancy that you have been denied by fear of nagging/disappointment.

Bring it home and show him how thrilled you are that you have some lovely things. If he is not happy for you (or at least neutral) then keep going with the divorce process.

He has to SHOW you he has changed repeatedly for at least the next 6 months.

And that doesnt mean you turn into a profligate spender (which I doubt you could after all these years of being nagged) but just spend in the way that you would hope your DS would spend on himself with his own money.

You can't take his word that what he's transferred is half of the savings, he's lied and manipulated you for 30 years.

I agree with PP, he senses you're pushing back and just giving enough to keep you on side.

Watch out for him looking expectantly at you from now on whenever the bills arrive - he’ll be more possessive than ever over “his” bit.

I can see you feel you have arrived at some kind of compromise, but the behaviour you have described is that of a man who is a miser, a thief and a liar. Don’t forget, and don’t ever be told that you are wrong to protest at being treated this way.

Not read the replies, just first post. Press on with the divorce. He won’t change now and the way he treated you after the birthday/concert tickets says it all. Get rid, move on. You’ll get half the house and are young enough to meet someone else. You deserve better than this.

Except his wife...

I left my husband. It took a while as I did not think it was an option and I was thinking about the children. Bloody hell, I could never ever have anticipated the result for the dc, the h and me.

Run and don't ever look back. Your kids will rejoice and support you.

It breaks my heart to see so many threads on here from women in bad relationships who don't leave because of how they feel, expectations, unnecessary reasons. I know why I stayed. I know what happened to me as a child to put me where I was to even date him never mind marry him but it can't be the same for all these women.

It worries me so much.