Not sure if I can , or should, move on from this.

[Memoria]

Its a money one.
Been with DH for over 30 years. Have worked FT for the majority of that time except 2 x MAT leaves.
DH is older than me ( 18 years).
So he has always described himself as careful with money. I would describe him as verging on financially abusive.
We are mortgage free, he has a decent pension and I work nearly FT. From the outside all very nice. There is money for (his) hobbies and interests. Not mine. Never has been money for me. Never an outright no but always a reason why I couldnt have or do X this month. Usual reason was a specific amount in savings that he was aiming for. As soon as that target was reached he would treat himself / the kids/ his friends. Never me.
We have had massive arguments about this over the years and every time he is appalled at his behaviour and things change for a month or 2. Wr nearly split up 5 years ago because I had taken on a 2nd job to pay for Concert tickets, travel and accommodation for his significant birthday and did it half and half with our adult DC. He not only told EVERYONE that the DC paid and I got him nothing then 8 months later on my birthday I got a €5 amazon voucher.

I am not a shrinking violet by any means and always tell him exactly what my expectations are for Birthdays, Xmas ect and he has never, not once actually got me what I asked for.
I could go on for pages and pages of incidents including having to take out a credit card to get my glasses and delaying dental work by months because " there isnt enough money in the account " (€10's thousands in account).
So it all blew up again and this time Im fucking done and have seen a solicitor. DH is besides himself with remorse and promising the world. I do love him and he is genetous with his time and would ( at the moment) do anything I asked bit I dont know if I could or should try again.

He’d abuse her for it verbally. Probably make her return the clothes for a refund.

Only read OP so going on gut feeling.

Play along. If he's sorry he'll happily hand over half of everything won't he.

Get it then divorce the controlling twat.

Men don't like it when you say no and tend to fall apart. Looking at you ex husband to be.

So you've got access to everything now, which is good. Now you need to get him into training. Your big problem is not challenging him over the years and modifying your lifestyle entirely just to keep the peace. You need to stop fearing his questions and lead your life as you wNt and spend as you want. If he asks and complain, so be it from now on.
Why a pack of mints? " because I can, and its nothing to do with you". Why x, y, z? - " I will do as I see fit and will not be answering to you" - then ignore, grey rock.
Match the effort he puts in for his birthday, if he sulks, let him.
It's high time you stopped smoothing over his emotions, let him have them, he will be the one suffering and you will see the real him, not the one whose moods you have managed for 30 years - that might put you off him, it's not attractive behaving like a child emotionally.

His true colours have been on display for years. Leopards don't change their spots.
Get a solicitors appointment and start the ball rolling to get rid of this tightarsed tosser

Read and re read what @Codlingmoths said OP

@DelphiniumBlue I agree with that. OP- ask for half savings to go straight to you now or you set a divorce in motion- oh and make sure you actually see the balances- not just take his word- it is outrageous that you have no access to the spare cash and end up taking on second jobs etc- whilst there is plenty of cash in the pot- but he controls it all.

He isn’t verging on abusive, he is outright abusive. I think you have lost the ability to see what love looks like in a relationship. The examples you describe are not being tight with money, they are examples to hurt and control you. That’s it.

The money is almost a red herring that makes you think ‘oh, he just takes being stingy a bit too far’. But that isn’t it. You worked extra hours to get him an amazing gift and then he told people you got him nothing. That’s insane! He is deliberately running you down. Hold onto that and remember it. And use that insight to get out.

If he wants to save it he needs to prove it by making sure you have access toALL of the money to do what you want with when you want with. The first sign of going back on this or questioning what you spend that has to be it. How awful. I don't know how you have gone on like this for so long you deserve much better.

If I spent 250? Massive row.
As for the nest egg, I think its just there to be adored tbh.

That's a good idea. You will know what to do after how he reacts to this request which is actually the least he can do given all the years of misery his caused you

Then surely he’ll still do all of that?
Because it’s not because you are divorced, he us then off the hook??

@Memoria the only reason why he seems so remorseful is because he knows he is going to loose half of his savings (and his cook/maid etc…)
And THAT is going to be a major issue for him.

Dont fall for it.
And please talk openly to your dcs. Because if he was happy to tell everyone only your dcs had
aid fir his big birthday resents, he’ll have no squalls in telling everyone you took everything from him, fleece him and whatnot. Even if it’s not the case.

Youll have to not just get a good lawyer. But also to play your cards very strategically.

He won't change. Divorce him.

Btw if he ever had been remorseful and understanding that his behaviour wasn’t ok and hurtful to you, he would have changed his behaviour years ago. The first time you raised the issue.

Instead, he just carried on supported by the fact you pulled him on it but never established boundaries (aka you could not have listened to him and just bought what you wanted and stand your ground. Decided that if he did it again, you were out. Or any other variations of you not accepting to be treated like a poor relation in your own marriage)

And what would happen if he spent £250?

Would there also be a row?
Would you even know about it?

Your children probably already understand far more than you realise, and they are likely to be on your side.

So what would happen if you started to spend the money you have access to?

Would he moan, or worse.

My parents (born in 1920's) had a very traditional marriage. My father always had money for things he deemed necessary, and argued he didn't have enough for other things.

It made me want to have my own money, but DSis ended up with a man who begrudges buying a drink when out. She just spends what she considers right and shrugs if he complains or even winces.

I'd say that you can't go on. Losing him to control the finances. If he has given you equal access to the accounts and is relying on your fear to keep your spending as it has been, would it be worth trying to see what boundaries he really will enforce.

I'm not sure I'd risk it myself but how might that work for you?

Fucks sake. Ridiculous.

So you have full access. I’d be moving half the savings PLUS the estimated amount you’ve already missed out on spending on yourself relative to HIS lovely male enjoyment allowance, OUT into an account in your name only.

Then you manage your own affairs and he is not even allowed to comment. One comment and you go straight to the solicitor.

Then you rejig the contributions to fairly reflect everything, it goes into a joint account. The end.

You TALK to your children and let them know about all this and you tell him you’re doing so - the knock on effect should be NIL in that you tell him that he’s on parole with the whole family, his new SIL has the measure of him, he’s a financial abuser and he either makes major amends or HE will be the one out of the clan. He carries on doing what he always has done with grandchildren etc and any manipulation nonsense about not affording this or that and BAM solicitor.

Why?

They're living their own lives

So what has he done on his quest to do everything better now? Has he set up joint accounts and sorted out how you split bills? No....I thought not. Funny he has never listened to you before isn't it?!. I'd keep going with the divorce. You don't have to sign the papers if you see he has truly changed, but the cynic in me thinks he is sorry because he knows he stands to have to give you half of everything.

Mean people rarely change.

Just saying, that's all.

Exactly this. He's a liar as well. Telling everyone the kids bought his birthday present and that you bought him nothing would have been more than enough for me to end it. Even if you excuse the stinginess you cannot possibly excuse such horrendous deceit.

So he is full of remorse and promising the world but yet if you were to spend £250 there would be an almighty row? Doesn’t sound to me like he is planning to change much if you think this is the case. And if I were you I would do it. Spend the money. See what his reaction is. That will show you that deep down he will not change.

You have tried again. And now have drawn the line. He is financially controlling. You need to start thinking of yourself and your needs. I know how hard it is to try and put yourself first after so many years of being last but you need to do it for you.

You DON’T have full access to savings though. You’re not allowed to spend any of it so having your name on the account isn’t full access by any stretch of the imagination.

Go to the bank, today, and draw out exactly half of those savings and put them in your name. See what he does.

The only reason he wants to try again is because while you’re together you have absolutely zero chance of spending “his” money. If you leave, you will get 50% of it and half the house. Within a few days of getting his feet back under the table you will be back in exactly the same situation.

Your adult children will not be affected by you leaving him. They will be happy you’ve finally come to your senses and realised what an awful person he is.

You don't have access to savings unless you can use it.

He's an absolute pig