Not sure if I can , or should, move on from this.

[Memoria]

Its a money one.
Been with DH for over 30 years. Have worked FT for the majority of that time except 2 x MAT leaves.
DH is older than me ( 18 years).
So he has always described himself as careful with money. I would describe him as verging on financially abusive.
We are mortgage free, he has a decent pension and I work nearly FT. From the outside all very nice. There is money for (his) hobbies and interests. Not mine. Never has been money for me. Never an outright no but always a reason why I couldnt have or do X this month. Usual reason was a specific amount in savings that he was aiming for. As soon as that target was reached he would treat himself / the kids/ his friends. Never me.
We have had massive arguments about this over the years and every time he is appalled at his behaviour and things change for a month or 2. Wr nearly split up 5 years ago because I had taken on a 2nd job to pay for Concert tickets, travel and accommodation for his significant birthday and did it half and half with our adult DC. He not only told EVERYONE that the DC paid and I got him nothing then 8 months later on my birthday I got a €5 amazon voucher.

I am not a shrinking violet by any means and always tell him exactly what my expectations are for Birthdays, Xmas ect and he has never, not once actually got me what I asked for.
I could go on for pages and pages of incidents including having to take out a credit card to get my glasses and delaying dental work by months because " there isnt enough money in the account " (€10's thousands in account).
So it all blew up again and this time Im fucking done and have seen a solicitor. DH is besides himself with remorse and promising the world. I do love him and he is genetous with his time and would ( at the moment) do anything I asked bit I dont know if I could or should try again.

I have to agree, it sounds more like he is worried about losing his money than losing you. I would divorce him.

What makes you think he would want to change when this benefits him so thoroughly?

The fact that when he is called out he claims things like that he misunderstood, shows that he has no genuine grasp of how wrong his behaviour is or of any genuine remorse.
The chances of him changing are pretty much zero and I think you know this.

No. He won’t change. He’s saying he will so you don’t take half the money. Can’t believe youve been abused for so long.

What is actually keeping me here ? He is not always like this, he would do anything for me ................unless it involves spending money. I love him.

He won’t change. He’s never changed.

My close friend’s DH in USA is a bit like this but not quite as bad.

What’s worrying here is he’s gaslit you into thinking it’s normal, it is not.

Interesting that it takes your son’s new husband/husband to be to query this re clothes.

Divorce him asap. With a good lawyer.

Nah that is exactly what women are conditioned to do. To put up with significant levels of abuse to keep a family together. But now you have raised your family. You know what the problem is, what do you think you should do? Clearly he won’t change.

Divorce him and make sure you get a bloody good solicitor who gets you half of everything. Sounds like your son's husband has spotted it straight away.

I say this gently, but find your anger and let that see you through for a few weeks. Have you got somewhere you can go to and support IRL?

Well his attitude towards money and you is skewed and has been from the get go. The only way this could possibly have changed was a lot earlier before or just after you married him or say 5-10 years in.

you have 2 choices. You stay and he will get better - he won’t.
You divorce him.

So if you needed a life saving operation and it’d be quicker and more chance of success you’re saying he wouldn’t pay for it? So he’d do anything for you but not to that extent?

He is very very skewed towards money isn’t he, if he gets what he wants he’s fine but if you spend more then you get abuse?

I don't understand.. so you have always worked FT but there has never been money for you? Why do you not have your money in your own account? Why are you still with this abusive man

I understand he would stop caring for your parents, but I'm confused as to why divorce would mean he stops caring for his grandchildren?

Go ahead with the divorce. You are setting the ball rolling towards a brighter future! You are doing the right thing. How youve put up with this for so long, you need a medal. Dont back down, he will try every trick in the book but hes been abusive here. Remember that when the tears/puppy dog eyes/sadness from him start. Go for it girl 💪

And if he is a decent man who does alot for the family, he will continue to do that irrespective of whether you are together or not.

My ex DH and I have been separated for over a year now, he still buys my mother a birthday gift and facilitates contact with the DC even when it's his weekend. Because he respects that they are the family the DC have.

@Memoria

"What is actually keeping me here ? He is not always like this, he would do anything for me ................unless it involves spending money. I love him."

Why do you love him? He clearly doesn't love you.

Well done for finally leaving.

Your dh IS financially abusive, not 'bordering on' it. You should have left years ago.

Stand firm.

He has treated you disgustingly over the years. THAT's what he thinks of you. He doesn't prioritise you. In fact, he lies to you, gaslights you, prioritises himself, lets you struggle.

That's not love, is it?

He would do anything for you but finds it right and proper that his beloved wife who has worked all her life cannot even buy clothes for herself in an actual shop new, despite no mortgage and hundreds of thousands in the bank.
I think you need to seek professional support from either a women's aid charity or a therapist.

What do you love about him?

He doesn't love you.

He's only given you access to the joint account because you threatened to leave.

His actions are SO far away from love. They are the opposite of love.

It's his actions that have broken your family up, not yours.

Get some counselling or do the Freedom Programme before you get sucked back in and end up as his career.

If he's significantly older than you I think you should divorce because I bet you have no idea what his will says or what plans he may have made for his money after his death.
Obviously as his wife you are likely to inherit but I have known family members who have hidden money, made strange wills etc and it has been a very complicated and traumatic thing for their wives after their death. Their wives had literally no idea what money there was/should be/where it was etc.

Get everything cleared up now while he is amenable if you don't divorce.

Yes, thats what I think too.
After 30 years its a massive step.

The problem is, you say you're not a shrinking violet, but think about it. He keeps doing it and keeps getting away with it. Money arrangements debt change.

You are not in an equal financial relationship, despite earning full time. You are a slave to his miserliness.

Strong and independent does not mean shout up and argue back,,then tolerate it anyway. I learned that myself.

The only way I would stay in your shoes is if all financial arrangements change and ALL money is split into two pots-yours and his. Let him put his money where his mouth is.

I bet he's absolutely remorseful about the fact he will be waving goodbye to what he perceives as half of 'his' money. I don't think there's any coming back from the 30 odd years of abuse and treating you as a second class citizen.

Sadly op I think it is time to move on. Living like this is not right. I think you have given your husband plenty of opportunities to reconsider his behaviour but he has chosen not to. Don't waste any more of your time.

He’ll find a way to query you over the online banking so you’ll wish you’d never been set up on it.

Re grandchildren and grandparents care - I take it they’re both your grandchildren and both your parents or his or your parents or a combo.

If it’s his parents then F them, he’ll have to look after them, if yours, you’ll have to look after them. Grandchildren, well he’s retired so he can carry on there, you can do what you can as you work full time. Or your children pay for childcare if he gets really stroppy.

I have known woman who are older who don’t want to rock the boat and get divorced because of reasons as you say. They’re sat or were in unhappy marriages.

This!

if he’d do anything (at the moment), ask him for half his savings in your own account. That will save him giving you them when you divorce.