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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure if I can , or should, move on from this.

209 replies

Memoria · 14/06/2024 07:30

Its a money one.
Been with DH for over 30 years. Have worked FT for the majority of that time except 2 x MAT leaves.
DH is older than me ( 18 years).
So he has always described himself as careful with money. I would describe him as verging on financially abusive.
We are mortgage free, he has a decent pension and I work nearly FT. From the outside all very nice. There is money for (his) hobbies and interests. Not mine. Never has been money for me. Never an outright no but always a reason why I couldnt have or do X this month. Usual reason was a specific amount in savings that he was aiming for. As soon as that target was reached he would treat himself / the kids/ his friends. Never me.
We have had massive arguments about this over the years and every time he is appalled at his behaviour and things change for a month or 2. Wr nearly split up 5 years ago because I had taken on a 2nd job to pay for Concert tickets, travel and accommodation for his significant birthday and did it half and half with our adult DC. He not only told EVERYONE that the DC paid and I got him nothing then 8 months later on my birthday I got a €5 amazon voucher.

I am not a shrinking violet by any means and always tell him exactly what my expectations are for Birthdays, Xmas ect and he has never, not once actually got me what I asked for.
I could go on for pages and pages of incidents including having to take out a credit card to get my glasses and delaying dental work by months because " there isnt enough money in the account " (€10's thousands in account).
So it all blew up again and this time Im fucking done and have seen a solicitor. DH is besides himself with remorse and promising the world. I do love him and he is genetous with his time and would ( at the moment) do anything I asked bit I dont know if I could or should try again.

OP posts:
Sharptonguedwoman · 14/06/2024 08:21

Memoria · 14/06/2024 07:30

Its a money one.
Been with DH for over 30 years. Have worked FT for the majority of that time except 2 x MAT leaves.
DH is older than me ( 18 years).
So he has always described himself as careful with money. I would describe him as verging on financially abusive.
We are mortgage free, he has a decent pension and I work nearly FT. From the outside all very nice. There is money for (his) hobbies and interests. Not mine. Never has been money for me. Never an outright no but always a reason why I couldnt have or do X this month. Usual reason was a specific amount in savings that he was aiming for. As soon as that target was reached he would treat himself / the kids/ his friends. Never me.
We have had massive arguments about this over the years and every time he is appalled at his behaviour and things change for a month or 2. Wr nearly split up 5 years ago because I had taken on a 2nd job to pay for Concert tickets, travel and accommodation for his significant birthday and did it half and half with our adult DC. He not only told EVERYONE that the DC paid and I got him nothing then 8 months later on my birthday I got a €5 amazon voucher.

I am not a shrinking violet by any means and always tell him exactly what my expectations are for Birthdays, Xmas ect and he has never, not once actually got me what I asked for.
I could go on for pages and pages of incidents including having to take out a credit card to get my glasses and delaying dental work by months because " there isnt enough money in the account " (€10's thousands in account).
So it all blew up again and this time Im fucking done and have seen a solicitor. DH is besides himself with remorse and promising the world. I do love him and he is genetous with his time and would ( at the moment) do anything I asked bit I dont know if I could or should try again.

Oh girl. What a creep this man appears to be. Where does your money go? If it's in the joint account, stop now and open an account of your own. If you've bought him stuff, keep a record- tell everyone what you bought him.
If you have access to the accounts, keep records, he'll try and hide assets. Talk to the accountant if you have one. Get a financially savvy solicitor. Please look after yourself, I couldn't live with this. Oh, and tell the children exactly what's happened. 'Dad says I have to wait to see the dentist as we can't afford it'. I would shame him till the end of time.

tribpot · 14/06/2024 08:21

I would describe him as verging on financially abusive.

I wouldn't describe him as 'verging on' at all. I don't even fully understand how he denied you access to at least the money you were earning yourself, was it being paid into an account you couldn't access? If so, why?

Were your children not appalled you had to take a second job to help fund a treat for him that he could have easily paid for himself? Did they not correct people when he said only they had paid for his birthday treat?

Honestly I think you need a major reset in terms of your ability to spend your own money. I like @DelphiniumBlue 's suggestion of asking him to transfer half the savings into an account in your name as a show of good faith. He absolutely will not do this - I'm sure it will turn out that all the money is locked away in notice accounts where he can't get at the money today. I would then ask him to prove that.

But even if he did it, I would still want to live separately, spend as you wish and finally get a taste of freedom. If after a year of that you think there is any realistic way you could negotiate a life together that meets your needs then maybe you reconcile.

I would also do the Freedom Programme. Financial abuse is emotional abuse, especially when he's been denying you access to your own earnings.

Lustnotlove · 14/06/2024 08:23

Memoria · 14/06/2024 07:30

Its a money one.
Been with DH for over 30 years. Have worked FT for the majority of that time except 2 x MAT leaves.
DH is older than me ( 18 years).
So he has always described himself as careful with money. I would describe him as verging on financially abusive.
We are mortgage free, he has a decent pension and I work nearly FT. From the outside all very nice. There is money for (his) hobbies and interests. Not mine. Never has been money for me. Never an outright no but always a reason why I couldnt have or do X this month. Usual reason was a specific amount in savings that he was aiming for. As soon as that target was reached he would treat himself / the kids/ his friends. Never me.
We have had massive arguments about this over the years and every time he is appalled at his behaviour and things change for a month or 2. Wr nearly split up 5 years ago because I had taken on a 2nd job to pay for Concert tickets, travel and accommodation for his significant birthday and did it half and half with our adult DC. He not only told EVERYONE that the DC paid and I got him nothing then 8 months later on my birthday I got a €5 amazon voucher.

I am not a shrinking violet by any means and always tell him exactly what my expectations are for Birthdays, Xmas ect and he has never, not once actually got me what I asked for.
I could go on for pages and pages of incidents including having to take out a credit card to get my glasses and delaying dental work by months because " there isnt enough money in the account " (€10's thousands in account).
So it all blew up again and this time Im fucking done and have seen a solicitor. DH is besides himself with remorse and promising the world. I do love him and he is genetous with his time and would ( at the moment) do anything I asked bit I dont know if I could or should try again.

Wow what a jerk! Divorce and move forward you don't need that in your life hun you've put up with enough!

J0S · 14/06/2024 08:25

He’s had 30 years to change.
Get out now, don’t waste anymore of your life with him.

PaminaMozart · 14/06/2024 08:26

Dozycuntlaters · 14/06/2024 07:59

He's not beside himself with remorse, he's beside himself with how much you would be entitled to.

Divorcing him is the only way you will get a fair deal..... if he's been like this for 30 years he is not going to change now.

Precisely this, @Memoria

People don't change.

Do you have access to all the financial documentation - if not, start sleuthing. And see a very competent divorce lawyer. Be prepared to pay for a forensic accountant if necessary - it'll be money well spent.

And start living your best life!

Mrcrabsleg · 14/06/2024 08:27

I find this really upsetting to read, he has treated you absolutely atrociously - please don’t go back, he won’t change and you deserve so, so much more.

BuddhaAtSea · 14/06/2024 08:30

Open a new bank account today and have your salary paid in it. Tell him the expenses for the house are to be shared 50/50 from today until the divorce is pronounced. And leave. He’ll never get better.

Original poster
Memoria · 14/06/2024 08:34

AGlinnerOfHope · 14/06/2024 07:53

Does your son know? He really should

Its just been the status quo for so long that its a family joke. But my sons soon to be husband has been asking very pointed questions - like why do I shop for clothes in charity shops and DH doesn't. I replied honestly, I cannot afford to shop in high st shops.
The thing is I pushed for a joint account 5 years ago because I was having to pay so much of the household expenses that I was constantly in overdraft while he had savings.
If we divorced the ripple effect on our adult children would be massive.

OP posts:
Original poster
Memoria · 14/06/2024 08:35

CryptoFascist · 14/06/2024 07:58

I don't think you should move on from this, I think you should move ahead with the divorce. Make sure you have copies of any financial information you can get hold of before he starts trying to hide money.

Also I do find it difficult to believe this is the only way in which he is abusive and controlling. Him gaslighting you over his birthday treat for example, is incredibly humiliating.

Please move on with your life without regret.

His stock answer is that he did not understand or had forgotten who paid for what.

OP posts:
plimbow · 14/06/2024 08:38

How has this gone on for 30 years?

He has never once bought you the present you asked for, yet you took on a second job for his birthday treat, why would you do that?

You need to leave before you become his carer, you are just too kind OP.

Original poster
Memoria · 14/06/2024 08:39

tribpot · 14/06/2024 08:21

I would describe him as verging on financially abusive.

I wouldn't describe him as 'verging on' at all. I don't even fully understand how he denied you access to at least the money you were earning yourself, was it being paid into an account you couldn't access? If so, why?

Were your children not appalled you had to take a second job to help fund a treat for him that he could have easily paid for himself? Did they not correct people when he said only they had paid for his birthday treat?

Honestly I think you need a major reset in terms of your ability to spend your own money. I like @DelphiniumBlue 's suggestion of asking him to transfer half the savings into an account in your name as a show of good faith. He absolutely will not do this - I'm sure it will turn out that all the money is locked away in notice accounts where he can't get at the money today. I would then ask him to prove that.

But even if he did it, I would still want to live separately, spend as you wish and finally get a taste of freedom. If after a year of that you think there is any realistic way you could negotiate a life together that meets your needs then maybe you reconcile.

I would also do the Freedom Programme. Financial abuse is emotional abuse, especially when he's been denying you access to your own earnings.

He didnt say it in front of our children and once it got back to them they were furious with him so he did his " I misunderstood" routine.

OP posts:
isthewashingdryyet · 14/06/2024 08:39

Agree with all the others, this is actual financial abuse, and you should get out now before he needs you to be his carer

your adult kids will cope and may even rejoice with you that you have left him

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/06/2024 08:40

Your adult children will manage and you cannot use them as a reason or basis to stay with your husband.

Lookingforunicorns · 14/06/2024 08:41

Your son's soon to be H is very astute!

Quitelikeit · 14/06/2024 08:42

It’s a bit late to make a stand now!

Anyway, plough on with that divorce and take half of what he has - I suspect he will be furiously trying to hide it

He must have over a hundred grand easily

he is greedy, selfish, abusive and will not change

Original poster
Memoria · 14/06/2024 08:43

plimbow · 14/06/2024 08:38

How has this gone on for 30 years?

He has never once bought you the present you asked for, yet you took on a second job for his birthday treat, why would you do that?

You need to leave before you become his carer, you are just too kind OP.

Its embarrassing how much Ive allowed to happen to keep the family together. With my birthday / Xmas he will just say that he isnt botherd by presents so I shouldn't be, but he would sulk massively if I did the same to him. All monies are in joint names but if I , for example, bought a packet of mints while filling up the car he would see that on the online banking and ask repeatedly why Id bought them.

OP posts:
Dontbeme · 14/06/2024 08:44

My sister has been married to a man exactly like this for over forty years, it never gets better. Run OP, run before you become his carer and he's refusing any outside help as you can do it all. My sister has had to refuse necessary medical care for herself as it would disrupt his routine, there's nothing actually wrong with the man other than he refuses to cook or do anything for himself. Run, your DC will be fine, just run.

tribpot · 14/06/2024 08:46

How would he even know from online banking? Are you saying he would memorise the amount on the petrol pump and then if the bank transaction didn't match he would harass you to know why?

It sounds like both he and your son need a major wake-up call that this is not how you treat your spouse. Sounds like your soon-to-be son-in-law has already spotted that, good for him.

Please, at the very least, separate from this man for a while. I can't even imagine what's it's been like living under constant surveillance for 30 years.

therejustbarely · 14/06/2024 08:48

Your adult children will be fine.

You are worth so much more than this miser of a man is doling out you, crumb by crumb.

AtrociousCircumstance · 14/06/2024 08:49

Financial abuse. He won’t change. Free yourself OP.

user1984778379202 · 14/06/2024 08:49

I wouldn't move on from this if I were you. It's financial abuse, plain and simple. But I think you have two options:

a) Divorce him, get half of what he's squirrelled away and enjoy spending it as a free woman.

OR

b) If he really is that remorseful, present him with an invoice for all the tens of ££££s he's deprived you of, plus all the debt you've accumulated because of his stinginess with the caveat that he's got seven days to transfer the entire amount into an account in your name only that only you can access. If he refuses to that, there's your answer and instead go for option a.

SuncreamAndIceCream · 14/06/2024 08:54

Put half of the joint money in an account only you can access TODAY

See a solicitor

Be free

I'm sad for you enduring this for so many years OP. Your son's partner is very astute

I reckon your kids will be relieved, honestly.

NigelHarmansNewWife · 14/06/2024 08:54

DP gets notifications from our joint account (they can be switched off) and routinely mentions I've been spending money when I've been shopping and running errands - I've told him he's welcome to do the shopping himself and to piss off keeping tabs on me! It's so irritating. Not like I'm paying for fripperies for myself and even if I was, half of the money is mine.

OP you have had 30 years of far, far worse. You wouldn't have taken the steps you have unless you had reached the end of your rope. Cut the ties and enjoy the rest of your life free from this miserly person who values savings more than you.

TheCatterall · 14/06/2024 08:55

@Memoria imagine of your adult children knew what your life was really like day in day out with this financially abusive man. Imagine how upset your children would be if they thought the only reason you were staying was because of them.

imagine another 30 years of this. Imagine being trapped as his carer as he won’t pay for help as he ages.

Get legal advice. Stop living half a life.

TheTartfulLodger · 14/06/2024 09:01

"If we divorced the ripple effect on our adult children would be massive."

Why?

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