Not sure if I can , or should, move on from this.

[Memoria]

Its a money one.
Been with DH for over 30 years. Have worked FT for the majority of that time except 2 x MAT leaves.
DH is older than me ( 18 years).
So he has always described himself as careful with money. I would describe him as verging on financially abusive.
We are mortgage free, he has a decent pension and I work nearly FT. From the outside all very nice. There is money for (his) hobbies and interests. Not mine. Never has been money for me. Never an outright no but always a reason why I couldnt have or do X this month. Usual reason was a specific amount in savings that he was aiming for. As soon as that target was reached he would treat himself / the kids/ his friends. Never me.
We have had massive arguments about this over the years and every time he is appalled at his behaviour and things change for a month or 2. Wr nearly split up 5 years ago because I had taken on a 2nd job to pay for Concert tickets, travel and accommodation for his significant birthday and did it half and half with our adult DC. He not only told EVERYONE that the DC paid and I got him nothing then 8 months later on my birthday I got a €5 amazon voucher.

I am not a shrinking violet by any means and always tell him exactly what my expectations are for Birthdays, Xmas ect and he has never, not once actually got me what I asked for.
I could go on for pages and pages of incidents including having to take out a credit card to get my glasses and delaying dental work by months because " there isnt enough money in the account " (€10's thousands in account).
So it all blew up again and this time Im fucking done and have seen a solicitor. DH is besides himself with remorse and promising the world. I do love him and he is genetous with his time and would ( at the moment) do anything I asked bit I dont know if I could or should try again.

Please leave him. It is financial abuse, your children will know this hence why your son’s partner has been asking you those questions.

He’s panicking about losing his control over you financially and the prospect of being forced to share. A man who loves you doesn’t stop you getting dental care when you have the means!

You only get one life and deserve better than this.

This.

You have had this conversation multiple times why is it different now... hint: its not.

The examples you gave are pretty disgusting. The fact he lied about who paid is the least bad bit of it.

Your adult children will be fine.
I say this as a child whose parents divorced when i was an adult and my dad was a difficult dickhead and told loads of lies about my mother. Which were well..
Clearly lies.

My friends dh was like this. At one point he complained that he felt resentment about money, he felt he paid more per month than her.

So they each did their individual spreadsheets on what they contributed towards the house, kids etc. hers came out so much more than his. He was a bit quiet and the following month paid in what he usually did, she took great pleasure in telling him he'd not paid the correct amount in, so he now puts more in per month.

Unfortunately it was indicative of his overall personality and was the beginning of the end for her regarding the relationship. She's in the process of moving out and buying her own house now. He's panicking as he's losing his extra income and will have to settle the finances through the courts

What would happen if you opened a new bank account in your name only and got your salary paid into that one instead of joint account? Have you been paying into a separate pension that’s just yours?

The mirror wills is a red herring. If you split or died first he absolutely would change his and play the “who loves me most” game with your children.

Interesting that he acted on your ds comment but doesn’t when it’s you …. Says so much about how he sees you doesn’t it? Like he has no respect for you at all. Let alone care and love.

Can I ask? Do you have a clear idea of how much savings he has or did he tell you it was half of it?
And how is it that he is managing to build up savings but you don’t? (My issue there is that if you are staying with him, he’ll just carry on building his savings again, tell you you can’t afford X or Y - unless you dig in your own savings - and it will just continue to be the same fir you on a day to day basis)

Absolutely this.
30 years.
You are both in your roles.
You victim, him old abusive pig.
Things will only change if you leave.
If I was your son in laws mother I would be telling him run fast.
Yours is an utterly toxic family with a massively abusive man who has abused his poor wife for 30 years.
Your children know, but know no better.
Of course they will have unprocessed trauma from this.
Far better for you to admit the truth of the abuse, tell your children the full truth, not try and hide it in plain sight of them.
Let them see that you know their father is very very wrong.
Please talk to Women's to help you see how bad things really are.

So when are you going out clothes shopping and getting your hair done?
I'm guessing the 12th of Never....

And what would happen if you accessed or heaven forfend SPENT! Some of "your" savings.

He " gave" you some savings because
A. Your SON shamed him into it
B. He knows you are too scared to touch it.

Its not progress...its same cereal in a different box.

Read @MargotEmins and @Blinds1 post again

I have to agree "giving" you what is already yours is progress but it's not enough.
What is more important is that you are able to use the money you earn regularly and have a say in how money is used within your household e.g how much is saved etc.
I am inclined to think this incident is pretty much for show and to "shut you up" for now.
What other changes is your husband willing to make/has he made?

So what if there is a massive row?

What would happen after?