Not sure if I can , or should, move on from this.

[Memoria]

Its a money one.
Been with DH for over 30 years. Have worked FT for the majority of that time except 2 x MAT leaves.
DH is older than me ( 18 years).
So he has always described himself as careful with money. I would describe him as verging on financially abusive.
We are mortgage free, he has a decent pension and I work nearly FT. From the outside all very nice. There is money for (his) hobbies and interests. Not mine. Never has been money for me. Never an outright no but always a reason why I couldnt have or do X this month. Usual reason was a specific amount in savings that he was aiming for. As soon as that target was reached he would treat himself / the kids/ his friends. Never me.
We have had massive arguments about this over the years and every time he is appalled at his behaviour and things change for a month or 2. Wr nearly split up 5 years ago because I had taken on a 2nd job to pay for Concert tickets, travel and accommodation for his significant birthday and did it half and half with our adult DC. He not only told EVERYONE that the DC paid and I got him nothing then 8 months later on my birthday I got a €5 amazon voucher.

I am not a shrinking violet by any means and always tell him exactly what my expectations are for Birthdays, Xmas ect and he has never, not once actually got me what I asked for.
I could go on for pages and pages of incidents including having to take out a credit card to get my glasses and delaying dental work by months because " there isnt enough money in the account " (€10's thousands in account).
So it all blew up again and this time Im fucking done and have seen a solicitor. DH is besides himself with remorse and promising the world. I do love him and he is genetous with his time and would ( at the moment) do anything I asked bit I dont know if I could or should try again.

If you are genuinely thinking about staying, you need to train him. You need to spend money on yourself every week or so for the next few months. From the joint account- he’s had nice things and you’ve worked your ass off to fund your family. Make a list- shoes, coat, nice summer outfit, picture for the wall, take a girlfriend out for dinner, go to a show, buy new saucepans (if that’s your thing, I love cookware) an armchair, a weekend away. Come home and talk about it, tell the kids ‘look at my lovely… ‘ if he says anything critical you stare at him and say I think after 30 years of being broke because you’re a controlling bully I deserve a few nice things, and I’m astonished you think you can comment. Go to his wardrobe, take something out and give it to charity, or just shred it on the spot. You need to be clear that you don’t take one more second if this, so there’s no opportunity for him to slide back into Scrooge. And if he can’t cope you have zero chance of him keeping up this nice guy front.

OP, I'd advise looking back through banks statements for all accounts you have access to. Go back as far as you can. I suspect there will be transactions where he's moved money to other banks/ISAs/even premium bonds which you are not aware of. Lots of people (including me) spread their savings in order to get the best rates and your dh sounds pretty savvy. I suspect there is lots that has been squirrelled away.

And if you just feel you can’t do that, then you know in your heart that you need to leave.

Go out today and spend £250 on clothes or whatever and if he dares to say a word, go ballistic. Go nuclear every single time. You really are in the most appalling marriage op. He has controlled you for 30 years but if you don't want to leave, then you have to wrestle back your autonomy. He's treating you like a child. This is YOUR money. Find your anger instead of just wistfully saying, but I love him. You've clearly normalised this behaviour but believe everyone on here's who's stating categorically that it's abusive.

OP, you’re punch drunk after decades of abuse. You can’t see what blazes out to everyone else.

He has been financially abusing you, enriching himself at your expense (aka robbing you, in my opinion), treating you as a workhorse, insulting you, humiliating you with his contempt, lying about you. Telling people you hadn’t given him the gift you worked hard to buy him — that one really blew my mind!

His wish to keep you in near-poverty is so bizarre, I’d suspect mental health problems — except that he manages very nicely for himself. And he puts on a good show for others, so he knows fine well what he’s doing.

He’s just a cheap sadist, enjoying having you to be cruel to. Your poor children, growing up witnessing all this.

Your update is still far too little, far too late, OP. Don’t give him time to hide all the money he’s amassed at your expense. Set the divorce in motion now or he will rob you one final time.

But he's ok with spending money on himself or you taking another job to spend money on him tho?

I'm married to a man who could be like yours. The difference is he won't spend on himself either.

He's also aware of his miserly tendencies. We still don't spend much, but he doesn't mind me spending. It's hard though because he trained me so well in the early days I find it hard to spend now.

Just Iike this? Are you telling me that, after 30 years, there is only one savings account? At your local bank?

What about pensions, ISAs, Premium Bonds and other investments?

This all seems so unlikely. Are you sure he hasn't just thrown you some crumbs, to shut you up?

See, this part I don't fully understand; when he spends on himself but says to you not an outright no but not this month why is it you have been unable all this time to counteract that with no you're being unreasonable and I will spend as I see fit. As he isn't actually physically withholding the money and you have access (do you?) what stops you?

Boiled frog.
It all seems so reasonable until it doesnt and I blow my top then things change for a month or two.
Thank you to everyone who has posted. I have read every reply.
As Ive stated I am making no rush decisions but at the same time getting my ducks in a row.

50% of the savings that you know about. Good start, keep going.

He has abused you for 30 years, no, he does not get a second chance to continue his abuse.

@Memoria thats a good start. Now you can buy whatever you want and he can’t check up on you.

next step is to keep making sure any spare savings get split every month on an ongoing basis.

agree with a pp though, he’s bound to have other accounts you don’t know about. Have a look at the online banking to see if there are any transfers you don’t recognise.

good luck!

You will know these savings are truly 'in your name' when he doesn't ask to see the balance, when he doesn't ask what you've spent from them, when he never mentions them again. Til then they're 'in your name' in the same way that your salary is.

Hard agree with everyone else - there are multiple other savings accounts.

Next step is to look at the household budget. You've been bankrupting yourself and risking your health to pay 50% of the running costs out of your salary. Have you ever seen the household budget? Have you in fact been funding 100% of the running costs? Either way, expenses now need to be funded proportional to your two incomes, but preferably he should take over 100% for the remainder of this year at the very least to allow you to start to build up a cushion of your own money.

Wow 😯 😳
F me....
Definitely financial abuse....

Any legal advice you seek should involve a forensic accountant.
He has lied and financially abused you for 30 years, I wouldn't trust him as far as I'd throw him.
I bet he has other accounts.

You write about love?
If you think what you have had for 30 years is love, you are sadly mistaken.
You are just another poor abused woman who has gotten used to the absolute horror of your situation.

Personally I would rather live a life never experiencing any love than to have been used and abused as you have been.
Of course your children know, but like you they too are boiled frogs.
Your soon to be son in law is testament to that.
I think if you spoke to Women's aid, got good legal advice, and had some space from that lying abusive old pig, you would finally see the wood for the trees.
You deserve so much better.

Does he accept that he has spent 30 years abusing you? Is he willing to seek help for his choice to be an abuser?

I’m guessing that you know the tale of the scorpion and the frog? Abusers abuse. It is what they do. It is their nature. Even if he can stop himself for a while because he has realised that he is going to lose you (and half the money and probably his children too) he will go back to it.

The only thing that could maybe stop him is if you get things set up so that it is impossible for him to do so. But you will have to battle every day to ensure that he doesn’t make changes that will slowly, quietly lead back to you being back to being financially abused again. Because that is what he does.

I’ll be honest - here is what I think will happen. He has given you half the savings. But your day to day spending will somehow get set up so that you pay most (if not all) the expenses. Your savings will go down and down. He happily amasses his back whilst buying himself what the hell he likes. You will start reducing what you buy yourself to try and save your savings. He will carry on as he likes. In a few years your savings will be gone. And he says “I gave you half the money. It’s not my fault you are terrible with money.”

So now you go back and say sorry, miscalculation, I am owed 60% in my name to make up for all the money you took for yourself and your wants and hobbies but prevented me doing the same. 50% isn’t fair at all.

Do it.

I agree with above posters, this is one of the worst things I've read on here. And everyone else has just about got the financial abuse covered.
But....
I'm actually wondering how old you were when you met him? Were you only a teenager op? Did he groom you? Is that why you've been willing to put up with this shite for so long? Apologies if I'm wrong. But tbh I side eye any man that gets with a woman who is nearly 2 decades younger

I think you need to test him. Go and buy mints with fuel. Got spend £250 on clothes/hobby. See what he says to that....

If he says anything, you know your answer.

he won't change. Keep on getting your ducks in a row. He has no respect for you, and that's not something you can learn

He can't sustain these changes because fundamentally, you're not a real person to him. If he was single and starting afresh he might be able to change with a new partner, but one that he has dehumanised and treated with contempt for 30 years? Not a chance, the muscle memory is too strong.

100% this. He can't change even if he wants to. And you'll never forget nor forgive. and why should you?

This Op
Will you have to pay for everything out of your 'new' savings?
ago and buy yourself something as above and see what happens.
How about he 'gives' you a sum equivalent to what he has spent or had over the years for you to spend on yourself?

Why would that be affected by divorce?