Have men become more...repressed (dating?)

[Pinkbonbon]

OK this is a weird one but has anyone else noticed a shift where men are not kissing till like 3 dates in now?

And, last time I dated I also noticed, basic polite compliments of 'you look nice' seemed to have vanished too (que paranoia xD).

It just seems so different from a decade ago. Maybe because I'm getting older. But I also wondered if it's just because times have changed.

I'm finding IM the one who wants to be tactile on dates now but worried about freaking THEM out.

Like I think because I've been approaching things in the manner of just wanting to go out, do a little drinks and a bit of snogging and see where things go. I'm not just looking for short term but, I'd like to sample a little, see if there's good chemistry.

But it's like men have become repressed!
Either that or I've become scary xD
Just wondered if anyone else was noticing similar.

My experience has been either they’re really forward and ask you to go home with them on the first date, or they don’t even touch you all evening and are awkward when you greet them with a hug/peck on the cheek.

I would love to be complimented (as I will usually have made an effort to look my best on the date!) and for a kiss at the end of the date if it has gone well. That’s the ideal.

Yes well you'd think a compliment or two would be standard. And a kiss on date 2 at the latest.

But I've definitely noticed the awkwardness you mention! Even at the end of a date and you wonder if maybe they just weren't into it. But then, they ask you out again 🤷‍♀️

There has been a shift since the Me Too movement

See I've heard that but it just sounds like such a cop out. Like no ones gonna sue you for asking to hold their hand on a date. Like me too is easily negotiated around by just asking 'may I...xyz?'. But they don't do that either.

I thought maybe it was more likely to be a hang up from covid or something. But you'd think they'd be past that by now.

I was talking about this with my colleague who is struggling with the dating process. She joked that she is half expecting someone to whip out a consent contract re touching, kissing etc!

@Pinkbonbon the discussion we had included a man & he said he wouldn’t ask “may I kiss you” or similar as that may seem like pressure, it’s far easier to let the girl kiss/make the moves. Colleague is very shy though & doesn’t like making the first move.

good grief men are damned if they do and damned if they don't.... what happened to good old communication? instead of all this tip toeing around.

maybe, and this is a maybe, the guys you have managed to get a date with online are really just not into you, therefore they dont want to kiss you!

Aye OK misery guts.

Pretty sure I already mentioned that was a possibility in my literal opening post.

well with that attitude.... happy hunting

I don't have an attitude.

I just don't like nasty people.

That is fascinating. Been out of the game a long time but I'm kind of glad for my daughters that there has been a shift hosetly

It doesn’t take a genius to be able to work out the subtleties of body language and attraction.

I mean surely there is a middle ground between outright sexual assault and nothing whatsoever.

this is why I don’t date.

I'm finding IM the one who wants to be tactile on dates now but worried about freaking THEM out.

Do they respond to you?

Yes it probably has it merits.

But at the same time, where respect may have formed in some areas, it's been lost in others.

For example, putting effort into looking nice for a first date, only for them not even to mention it. It's bound to be deflating. And it leaves you in a kinda no man's land leaving you wondering if they even fancy you or it's just a friend thing.

Imo it may lead to young women pursuing things that require more effort from them than they are being given in return.

I'd say a lot of men lack confidence and particularly confidence in their communication/attunement skills. Lots simply don't have these skills. If you look at lots of male friendships they typically don't navigate anything tricky they either don't talk about issues or they drift apart not really understanding what happened. They never develop the ability to be tactile in a conversation or read others signs emotions etc

So presented with trickier situations they either don't care/poor judgement and miss the mark entirely or they wait for the their date to lead. All in all not great for a potential team mate/partner. I guess the hope is to look for the ones who build in confidence once they feel more comfortable.

It's really sad to see lots of frustrated people on both sides but so many men want to blame women rather than understand/improve their skills and have accountability.

Male colleague said he wouldn’t compliment a girl on anything physical but once he knew her better would say “you’re funny” etc, do your dates compliment you on anything?

Female colleague said her last day complimented her on her punctuality 😆😆

If I feel its appropriate, yes and they've always for example, taken my hand when offered.

But sometimes it's felt not appropriate, as if they have a barrier up. So obviously you don't cross that barrier.

And that's what I'm talking about having noticed more often. A sort of, neuroticism. That wasn't there before.

Also, I think its nice when men initiate. I don't want to be the only one having to do so.

Maybe the ones you are dating are more reserved? I just don’t think I could navigate the dating process these days!

My children told me seriously as teens that you should always ask permission before you kissed anyone. They were aghast when I said that that had never happened to me. Queue lots of horrified “EVEN DAD” squeaking. Maybe it’s better but I confess I would find that level of reticence damping.

@TomeTome I don’t think anyone has ever asked me for a kiss either, lots of stuff just kind of happens organically. Like you I would think I would miss that.

I’ve also never asked to kiss someone, I’ve just done it!

I'm dating someone atm who compliments, which is good. But I think maybe the last 3 or 4 ppl I distinctly noticed it was just...missing. Although...one told me, 3 dates in that I had nice clean nails. Lol. Like 'umm, thanks, I guess' 😆

It just feels odd!

Last guy I had a date with and a young girl walked past and told me I had a pretty dress. And I said thanks. And he...said nothing. Like that would have been the perfect time to say 'yes it is, you look nice today' or something. But, nope.

I feel the need to defend my looks here but I won't because its not really about looks. It's just a nice thing to say 'you look nice' on a date.

I should mention I do the same for men. I think its nice to tell them they look nice too. But sometimes even that's just met with 'thankyou' and a story about their shirt xD

I'm dating someone atm who compliments, which is good. But I think maybe the last 3 or 4 ppl I distinctly noticed it was just...missing. Although...one told me, 3 dates in that I had nice clean nails. Lol. Like 'umm, thanks, I guess'

😆😆 I would think he wanted to say more but thought nails were inoffensive?

Personally I want a shit ton of compliments!

Although maybe he just didn’t like the dress? DH has rolled his eyes when I’ve had compliments from others as he personally doesn’t like certain items.

She wasn't being nasty, just bewildered (as am I).

I'm inclined to think that there's a bit of not being into you and having no better offers so asking you on a second date. Also maybe, being mightily careful in case you're a rampant feminist (although probably not).

If you can't tell from the body language and general behaviour that they're interested or not I'd cut your losses.

There has been a massive shift in dating since me too & Sarah Everard etc, lots of men are still interested in dating women, but are also wary of been seen as “pushy “ or too forward so are probably on the back foot when it comes to dating being much more careful when it comes to personal space and physical touch and intimacy
i think men are almost looking for positive consent nowadays