Have men become more...repressed (dating?)

[Pinkbonbon]

OK this is a weird one but has anyone else noticed a shift where men are not kissing till like 3 dates in now?

And, last time I dated I also noticed, basic polite compliments of 'you look nice' seemed to have vanished too (que paranoia xD).

It just seems so different from a decade ago. Maybe because I'm getting older. But I also wondered if it's just because times have changed.

I'm finding IM the one who wants to be tactile on dates now but worried about freaking THEM out.

Like I think because I've been approaching things in the manner of just wanting to go out, do a little drinks and a bit of snogging and see where things go. I'm not just looking for short term but, I'd like to sample a little, see if there's good chemistry.

But it's like men have become repressed!
Either that or I've become scary xD
Just wondered if anyone else was noticing similar.

As I said previously, it’s not hard to read body language, or it shouldn’t be.

I wouldn’t teach my son to just read body language though, even if the body language is saying something undeniably it’s far safer to get the verbal consent first

Well I mean dating is dating irregardless if it's from online or not surely.

I guess you could meet someone organically at work but I dunno about you, I've never fancied anyone I worked with. Apart from one guy, who was taken. So for many, online dating is how it's done. Or through a meetup group of so sort maybe, but I mean you'll still encounter the same issues when you start dating someone.

But yes I completely agree, no one's exactly going to report an ill timed kiss xD so I don't believe me-too has much relevance. Unless he's a compete social misfit that doesn't understand the difference between wanted behaviour and sexual assault...

Or, very young and a little insecure and bombarded by social media of course.

I’m so glad that I’m not a young person trying to negotiate my way through relationships today.

and even if someone tried to kiss me and I wasn’t feeling it I wouldn’t report them for assault for god’s sake. Randomly groping someone maybe, but a kiss? It’s all about intention isn’t it. If he’s misread, it’s awkward at worst. But that’s it.

I wouldn’t either but there are weirdos of both sexes out there & you often find them when dating 😆

Then get used to being alone

I’m so glad that I’m not a young person trying to negotiate my way through relationships today.

I agree, I think it’s so confusing. Just being young today even without dating is super hard.

Why do I find that depressing? If a date's only compliment to me was that I was punctual, I'd feel about as sexy as an old wellington boot.

Yeah, I mean, I’ve had to ditch the traditional apps for the more experimental ones to find the masculinity I’m craving. It’s still out there, thank goodness, you just have to know where to look.

Haha i actually think she makes a fair point. If a little...overstated.

I agree that passive men are not attractive. I don't want to speak for all women but if imagine most of us want to know he finds us attractive and, puts in an effort.

We commonly put in an effort in different ways imo. Eg: more time spent getting ready for the date. More money spent on outfits or hair or nails perhaps.

So expecting us to be the one doing the bulk of the 'chasing'...that's a bit like doing our side AND theirs. There's nothing equal in that. And, incase the word crops up - its certainly NOT feminism to do a man's share too.

My son asked me about this the other week. The question he asked was when does an action become an assault. He figured out the definition is doing something the other person isn't expecting or wants.

So, he said he would always ask. However, I also told him that sometimes it's really obvious when a woman's interested and then it's okay to make a move.

I think it's easy to forget that a lot of men aren't rapists / sexual predator. There's a difference as well between getting things a little bit wrong or being clumsy and a deliberate violation of a boundary.

If I was in a situation where someone had misread my signals and went to hold my hand, I'd just say "I'm sorry, I'm not interested". If someone tried to kiss me repeatedly after I said no, I would see that differently.

And end up going home alone.

A long time ago I was used to being lunged at for a kiss, it was so much nicer to be asked.

I've heard of men who won't even go in to a meeting room with a women without leaving the door open and I don't blame them. Too many crazy women who want to make false accusations.

@sunflowrsngunpowdr ah yes, all those false allegations.

If someone going to make a false allegation then they'll probably do it whether you touch them or not.

@Pinkbonbon

You say women shouldn't have to do the chasing too, but I think that's a result of the times. With dating apps I'd heard (can't verify though), that something like 90% of women end up trying to get 10% of men. If you can filter millions of men, you can be very selective! Many women apparently tick that 'over six foot' box It's easy to screen out people, and if we go by the post I remember on here where a lady mentioned the 'four 6s' (only 1/6 men are over six foot, 10% have 6 inches or larger, 10% earn over 50k (lets be generous), 30% are not considered overweight...). I know these are shallow metrics, but that's 1/500 men right there. Couple that with actual attractive men (to you), and personality fit... that's probably 1/10,000.

I know it goes both ways, but if it's so easy to screen men, is it any wonder why the majority simply give up trying and wait for the woman to come to them?

Women will happily do the chasing for the men at the top, but the men at the top have the options and usually the confidence to go after what they want anyway.

Yes, that’s why they’re the men at the top - they take more risks and go after what they want in life.

See I don't buy into the 'men at the top', top 10% thing. Imo, I'd avoid the top 10% for a start as they are too good looking 😆 and usually shirtless haha

Lets say (my interpretation of the) top 40% after those are ones I'd swipe right on, and say...1/2 of them then turn out to be 'let's go on a date with' territory.

But many women might match but just not talk. And, lots of people in general ONLY want to talk.

So IF the guy gets to go on a date, he should probably be pulling out all the stops. Shouldn't he? Because this is someone that, out of loads of other men, has chosen to meet him.

I understand the apathy thar can sometimes come with dating. But for men the apathy will be from not getting matches. Or women not replying.

I suspect the same is true for this supposed top 10% because women either find them intimidating or, think they are only looking for sex.

Therefore, regardless of how arguably...valuable, you are in the dating pool...it doesn't make sense for men to be apathetic on dates.

Unless of course, they know they keep fucking them up 😆

I think it's because men are learning about consent and you need too. I was astounded when on a first date last year, a man touched my bottom as we crossed the road. Years ago I wouldn't have been. Now I can't believe he touched me without consent. You need consent to touch!

I’m going to disagree with you say it is linked to feminism, I’m old but mostly work with young people not long out of UNII, the young women are confident and outgoing, clearly going to have good careers.

but the young men are terrified of being seen as toxic or too aggressive they won’t argue their opinion or stand up for themselves in meetings they have been constantly told being masculinity in bad so they are passive, they almost need counselling on how to speak up for themselves

, we now have a generation of young men who don’t know how to be men anymore and you expect them to suddenly change when trying to date- that’s just not going to happen , you reep what you sow - we wanted men to be less masculine and more in touch with their emotions - well have that now - and your still not happy 🤷🏼‍♂️

in 20 years time equality will have reversed and will be men claiming women have all the jobs money and advantages in life

Don't know if repressed, they are just not worth while anymore.
Thanks goodness I don't have to or need to
"date" anymore.

who have rightfully rejected the culture of ‘consent’ because they understand that most women don’t want that.

Are you fucking serious, ?…

Yes, I’m serious.

The idea that a man needs to ask a woman “can I hold your hand?” or “can I kiss you?” is an absolute travesty.