Cannot get over husband wearing women's lingerie.

[Chezielou]

Ok so long story shortened... This happened months ago, not been able to get over it, should we split up?

Caught husband months ago wearing my sexy lingerie this was a complete shock as he is a 'manly man'. He said he's done it a couple of times but he's done with it, will never do it again. Few weeks later found him in his garage at 3am surrounded with mirrors and playing with anal toys. He had been going in his garage in the middle of the night for weeks on end at this point.

We had a lengthy chat and he said that was it, never again, he threw out all the 'stuff' and hasn't been going in his garage other than for 'normal' garage stuff.

But I just can't get it out of my head, I can't get over it all. It's changed the way I view him. Last night I told him it was over and he was devastated (we have two children together and have been together for nearly 11 years). He's been crying today saying he doesn't know what to do if he hasn't got his family he's really broken, I've never seen him cry before.

Any advice welcome, AIBU?!

OP, I’ve read your posts and am astonished. You really want to end your marriage over something this trivial? It can’t be much of a marriage in that case.

This is really NOT trivial - to me it would be absolutely fundamental.

He has a kink. She does not. His kink is a total turn-off for her.

She shouldn't be pushed into joining in with his kink and she can't unknow that he has this kink.

You don't force people to indulge in sexual activity that are your thing do you?

Thank you for proving my point.

A lot of men like anal play and the others just haven't tried it.

The lingerie is a bit much though.

I would be out the door. You are not being unreasonable OP.

You married one man and find yourself with another.

It’s so inconvienant when women have their own sexuality and don’t revolve around what men want, isn’t it? 🙄

The problem is many women are turned off by it, and just as you can’t expect a man to change his sexuality and suddenly not be turned on by this, you also can’t expect a woman to change hers and not be turned off by it.

Women are not empty sex bots for men to project their fantasies on to.

I don't understand what point you're trying to make. I wrote that back in April btw.

I read some of the responses but jumped in to say this hasn't just started, but he has only recently been 'caught.'

He's not going to admit the duration to you

It's not trivial. He's in effect lied to her for years about who he is.
Anyone with unorthodox sexual tastes should be upfront about it at the beginning - they should not get married, have children and years later just gaslight/manipulate their partners (and sometimes their children) into accepting their dishonesty as a fait accompli.
Anyone in this situation should get out before this crushes them.

It's not an unorthodox sexual taste!

I agrée - it's not, I'm saying that it's better for everyone to be honest at/near the beginning - before marriage, kids etc. Not just to expect a partner to accept hidden info years down the line.

Christ, Mumsnet at its usual other-hating self. Outside Mumsnetworld this is trivial.

That is a statement about you, nothing more.

Thank you for proving my point again.

I suspect this is one of those generational things.

As someone in their 40s, I do get how challenging this could be for many women.
However, I have a strong suspicion many younger women nowadays would be less perturbed.

If the tables turned and my DH had threatened to walk out on me because (eg) I enjoyed playing with toys on my own, I’d have been outraged. Not sure a bloke wanting to wear some frilly knickers is any better or worse than that!

Weirdo id tell him to leave

@Balhammom I think the thing is that a lot of MNers have personal experience with this and for them, what started as their partner just wanting to wear frilly knickers developed into something quite different. It may have initially seemed like a harmless fetish in itself but grew into something which changed everything in the relationship and impacted on the whole family. Once you’ve read some of the trans widow threads, you can’t unread what you’ve read there!

@Ethylred

it might be if you're a 20 something. My 12 year old niece has been taught some very 'alternative' things at school. My 19 year old niece too, she's very 'whatever goes'. The 21 year old is very preachy about people being who they want to be, wear what they want, look how they want. (Men in skirts & make up).

As a 55 year old woman, I'm fully entitled not to find any of that attractive, sure men can wear skirts & frilly knickers, paint their nails, whatever they want, but neither I, nor my friends, will find them attractive to us.

no way do I want to be in a relationship with a man into it.

@Chezielou

How are you doing now? Did you leave? How are you all adjusting?

like you, I couldn't live with it (and it always escalates), but I'd feel sad about it & still love him, our family life. I'd just hope that living apart we could be good co parents & friends. Whilst having my own intimate life.

Well since the post, lots has happened... I found out so much more stuff, there was lots of secrets, there was a drug addiction going on too, missing work regularly, owing people lots of money. He'd never really appreciated me or the kids (wasn't ever nasty and loved us in his own way) just quite selfish in the sense that even before all this, when he got home from work he'd eat tea and then go straight in his garage, not be bothered about seeing/playing/helping with the kids, and he'd happily stay in his garage until late into the night while I sat on my own in the house. But anyway, I digress haha...

So now, we have separated, in the process of selling the house, the boys are doing ok, they still see him regularly, he's working away at the minute so he will see them when he gets back, he does phone them though. We are very amicable and co-parenting is going well so far... Still friendly with the in laws. My eldest (8) had a little wobble yesterday over everything changing but he hates change, he was over tired, the for sale sign went up the other day too and our moving date is fast approaching. But after staying in my bed last night and having a good long sleep he seems perfectly fine this morning 😊.

Looking forward to the next chapter of my life, me and the boys ❤️

I'm glad you're OK and you've got out OP. There's always more secrets I'm afraid. Good luck to you and your kids

I'm sure you'd be super cool and non kink shame-y, if it was your husband. 🙄

These threads don't half attract some men with fetishes, who try to brow beat women into thinking that this is ok.

He had opted out of family life, living most of the time in the garage, when he should have been helping with the kids. Then she finds him in the garage surrounded by mirrors and doing anal on himself whilst in frilly lingerie. NEWS FLASH - no woman would find that attractive. Then we add in the money issues and the drug taking. Op can do far better, and she will. Any hairy handed weirdos on this thread should get lost - your opinions aren't welcome.

I do wonder if they search for threads that I'm on.