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Original poster

Cannot get over husband wearing women's lingerie.

208 replies

Chezielou · 09/04/2024 15:49

Ok so long story shortened... This happened months ago, not been able to get over it, should we split up?

Caught husband months ago wearing my sexy lingerie this was a complete shock as he is a 'manly man'. He said he's done it a couple of times but he's done with it, will never do it again. Few weeks later found him in his garage at 3am surrounded with mirrors and playing with anal toys. He had been going in his garage in the middle of the night for weeks on end at this point.

We had a lengthy chat and he said that was it, never again, he threw out all the 'stuff' and hasn't been going in his garage other than for 'normal' garage stuff.

But I just can't get it out of my head, I can't get over it all. It's changed the way I view him. Last night I told him it was over and he was devastated (we have two children together and have been together for nearly 11 years). He's been crying today saying he doesn't know what to do if he hasn't got his family he's really broken, I've never seen him cry before.

Any advice welcome, AIBU?!

OP posts:
Cazzovuoi · 09/04/2024 15:53

I suggest you read about autogynephilia.

No matter what he says it won’t stop because it’s a sexual fetish. Only you can decide if you’re ok with that.

Personally I’d have stratospheric levels of ick that I couldn’t come back from.

Hbosh · 09/04/2024 15:54

Neither of you is wrong here.
You can't change the fact that he's not the same person to you anymore. It's sad, because he can't change who he is or how he feels. But you're not unreasonable.
Be kind to yourself. You're allowed to choose who you're in a relationship with and what you're comfortable with.
And honestly, he's probably better off being in a relationship with someone who not only tolerates his sexuality, but accepts it as part of him without having to struggle with not finding him attractive anymore. It would be better for him if he didn't have to hide the things he enjoys, because sadly, right now, he's having to repress part of him to keep you in his life. That's not making anyone any happier.

Mrsttcno1 · 09/04/2024 15:58

Totally agree with previous poster, neither of you are doing anything wrong, it is just one of those things where not everybody is compatible.

What he does in private is his business and he’s not doing anything wrong, but equally you don’t have to like it and you are allowed to end a relationship for any reason.

stripes92 · 09/04/2024 16:01

I couldn't get past that, it would irreversibly change how I saw him and I would have to end the relationship. It's totally up to you what you decide to do.

Original poster
Chezielou · 09/04/2024 16:10

Thank you everyone for being so kind. I've said all this previously to him about being able to be who he is and not be embarrassed or ashamed about what he likes but he just says it was a stupid thing and it's not him or what he likes but I just can't help but think this is just him trying to hide it and it will eventually come back

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 09/04/2024 16:25

I think it would be naive to think it won’t happen again, the reality is if this is something he likes & enjoys then it will. Only you can decide whether you can stay in a relationship where he is doing this in private & for his own pleasure.

Everybody is different, we all like different things and we all have different preferences. If you aren’t happy with it then you can walk away if you choose to and you can both then move on with people you are more compatible with in that sense! It is a hard one because the current situation is just rubbish for both of you, where he is being made to feel guilty/ashamed and where you are unhappy in the relationship with him. Only you can decide if you want to stay or go.

MoonWoman69 · 09/04/2024 16:36

The fact that he graduated from just wearing your lingerie, to also using anal sex toys shows to me that it's a fetish he can't stop.
Was your sex life normal prior to your discovery and has it suffered because of it?
He obviously feels ashamed of his "kink" for want of a better word. It's not the kind of thing you can suddenly introduce into the bedroom, which is why he felt the need to do it secretly.
Would you be able to sit down and find out more about it from him before making your decision, or is it an out and out no for you?

SoundTheSirens · 09/04/2024 16:37

Generally speaking, this particular fetish has a tendency to escalate, so after a while wearing a small amount of women's underwear in secret isn't enough to deliver the desired thrill. Those who have this fetish often go through 'purge and binge' cycles, and the whole throwing it out and vowing never to do it again is classic 'purging'. It's also a fetish that can often have very unpleasant misogynistic origins.

I couldn't stay with someone with this fetish. There are certain things I could turn a blind eye to and certain things I'd indulge occasionally even if it weren't my favourite thing (and the favour was returned). But this is an absolute red line, instant ick for me, and it's okay if it is for you too OP.

oakleaffy · 09/04/2024 16:43

AGP.

Where men get a sexual thrill of seeing themselves in women’s clothing- but NOT cargo trousers or T shirts

Always “sexy “clothing

He’s probably unable to stop and manly men are commonly into this fetish.

Id not find it appealing.
Ball is in your court-

ManchesterBeatrice · 09/04/2024 16:45

Neither of you is wrong. But you may not be comparable

ManchesterBeatrice · 09/04/2024 16:45

Compatible

oakleaffy · 09/04/2024 16:48

Chezielou · 09/04/2024 16:10

Thank you everyone for being so kind. I've said all this previously to him about being able to be who he is and not be embarrassed or ashamed about what he likes but he just says it was a stupid thing and it's not him or what he likes but I just can't help but think this is just him trying to hide it and it will eventually come back

He’s probably had this kink for a long time.
If he was doing this as a single man, in private, there wouldn’t be an issue.

Very unlikely he will be able to stop..

BMW6 · 09/04/2024 16:51

You've got the Ick.

It's over.

everythingthelighttouches · 09/04/2024 16:55

I’m sorry OP, your DH is doing something that you obviously don’t like as you’ve told him you want to split up.

There is nothing wrong with you wanting to split up because of this. Lots of people would.

He has also been lying about it repeatedly to you and I doubt very much you know the half of it. So I expect he is still lying about the extent of it right now.

Trust is probably also broken now, and as always, the lie is usually worse than whatever the act is.

justtidying · 09/04/2024 16:57

Hbosh · 09/04/2024 15:54

Neither of you is wrong here.
You can't change the fact that he's not the same person to you anymore. It's sad, because he can't change who he is or how he feels. But you're not unreasonable.
Be kind to yourself. You're allowed to choose who you're in a relationship with and what you're comfortable with.
And honestly, he's probably better off being in a relationship with someone who not only tolerates his sexuality, but accepts it as part of him without having to struggle with not finding him attractive anymore. It would be better for him if he didn't have to hide the things he enjoys, because sadly, right now, he's having to repress part of him to keep you in his life. That's not making anyone any happier.

This with bells on

IvyLeagueUnderTheSea · 09/04/2024 17:05

In all honesty I personally couldn’t be with him any more. He’s not doing anything wrong but neither are you.

I think the options are:
He carries on but with your knowledge and consent.
You join in and bring it into your relationship.
You separate.

Thank goodness it was you that walked in on him and not one of the children.

Bestyearever2024 · 09/04/2024 17:14

It's so sad that he had to hide away in the garage

But he's obviously aware that it isn't something you can get on board with, and yet he loves you and doesn't want to lose you

Counselling?

tigger1001 · 09/04/2024 17:35

Hbosh · 09/04/2024 15:54

Neither of you is wrong here.
You can't change the fact that he's not the same person to you anymore. It's sad, because he can't change who he is or how he feels. But you're not unreasonable.
Be kind to yourself. You're allowed to choose who you're in a relationship with and what you're comfortable with.
And honestly, he's probably better off being in a relationship with someone who not only tolerates his sexuality, but accepts it as part of him without having to struggle with not finding him attractive anymore. It would be better for him if he didn't have to hide the things he enjoys, because sadly, right now, he's having to repress part of him to keep you in his life. That's not making anyone any happier.

I agree with this

oakleaffy · 09/04/2024 17:38

Bestyearever2024 · 09/04/2024 17:14

It's so sad that he had to hide away in the garage

But he's obviously aware that it isn't something you can get on board with, and yet he loves you and doesn't want to lose you

Counselling?

Loads of men have hideaways and places they probably go to indulge themselves on their own - Sheds Garages Workshops..

It's a shame he was ''caught'' by his wife who finds it off-putting.

I knew a landlady years ago who used to go through her tenant's rooms- and she was telling everyone about sex toys one of her male tenants had in his room.

That really is awful to go snooping about.

In a relationship, the bloke probably knows his wife will balk at such things-
It's a shame if he's an otherwise good man {and a good dad} that he was found out.

Many will disagree though.

MILTOBE · 09/04/2024 17:39

Few weeks later found him in his garage at 3am surrounded with mirrors and playing with anal toys.

The mirror part isn't surprising, giving the high levels of narcissism involved in AGP.

I'm not sure there are many women who'd accept it, but I'm sure he could find someone who'd put up and shut up. It's entirely up to you whether that's you, though, OP.

oakleaffy · 09/04/2024 17:46

MILTOBE · 09/04/2024 17:39

Few weeks later found him in his garage at 3am surrounded with mirrors and playing with anal toys.

The mirror part isn't surprising, giving the high levels of narcissism involved in AGP.

I'm not sure there are many women who'd accept it, but I'm sure he could find someone who'd put up and shut up. It's entirely up to you whether that's you, though, OP.

There was a vintage American High Times magazine that had an article about ''Pussy envy'' on the cover.

From what I can remember it was about embryonic AGP.

Men were obsessed with seeing themselves dressed as women.

Posing and mirrors is a part of this admiring oneself.

WinterDeWinter · 09/04/2024 17:46

I agree with @SoundTheSirens that there are often strongly misogynist roots to this fetish: the men who are into it are primarily motivated by a desire to be humiliated, and they see being a woman as the most humiliating state.

It's also fundamentally narcissistic in that it is focused on the self as erotic object. In my observation, the narcissistic personality disorder traits grow as the fetish itself grows.

You're probably aware that there is a dominant online culture which says that he is really a woman - I think you should assume that he will find this culture and understand the advantages to his ego of declaring that this is gender dysphoria rather than misogynist fetish.

This is usually the point at which those women unfortunate enough to be tied to these men, by finances, children etc, start to feel the full explosion of narcissistic behaviours. By the end of it you will be broken, a shell, and I strongly advise you to get out now.

mathanxiety · 09/04/2024 18:05

You are under no obligation to have this in your life if you don't want it there.

If it alters the way you see your husband and your relationship is affected, then you are perfectly justified in creating an alternative life for yourself, and letting him get on with his.

Don't stay and be miserable with a man who has become a stranger to you. You don't have to accept this unfamiliar version of him and soldier on.

mathanxiety · 09/04/2024 18:06

WinterDeWinter · 09/04/2024 17:46

I agree with @SoundTheSirens that there are often strongly misogynist roots to this fetish: the men who are into it are primarily motivated by a desire to be humiliated, and they see being a woman as the most humiliating state.

It's also fundamentally narcissistic in that it is focused on the self as erotic object. In my observation, the narcissistic personality disorder traits grow as the fetish itself grows.

You're probably aware that there is a dominant online culture which says that he is really a woman - I think you should assume that he will find this culture and understand the advantages to his ego of declaring that this is gender dysphoria rather than misogynist fetish.

This is usually the point at which those women unfortunate enough to be tied to these men, by finances, children etc, start to feel the full explosion of narcissistic behaviours. By the end of it you will be broken, a shell, and I strongly advise you to get out now.

Edited

Agree with all of this.

Desecratedcoconut · 09/04/2024 18:11

Why would you have to get over it? I wouldn't be able to. I'd call it a day.