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Original poster

Cannot get over husband wearing women's lingerie.

208 replies

Chezielou · 09/04/2024 15:49

Ok so long story shortened... This happened months ago, not been able to get over it, should we split up?

Caught husband months ago wearing my sexy lingerie this was a complete shock as he is a 'manly man'. He said he's done it a couple of times but he's done with it, will never do it again. Few weeks later found him in his garage at 3am surrounded with mirrors and playing with anal toys. He had been going in his garage in the middle of the night for weeks on end at this point.

We had a lengthy chat and he said that was it, never again, he threw out all the 'stuff' and hasn't been going in his garage other than for 'normal' garage stuff.

But I just can't get it out of my head, I can't get over it all. It's changed the way I view him. Last night I told him it was over and he was devastated (we have two children together and have been together for nearly 11 years). He's been crying today saying he doesn't know what to do if he hasn't got his family he's really broken, I've never seen him cry before.

Any advice welcome, AIBU?!

OP posts:
bloomingorchids · 12/04/2024 12:23

I've posted about my story many times and 8 years on, I still have PTSD from finding out that my husband of 24 years had been dressing up in my clothes to pleasure himself for all of our marriage.
Some may say that if he is doing that in private, then who cares, however by me not being told, I was led to believe the following:
a) I was not attractive as he criticized the outfits I wore (he was secretly wearing them)
b) He made no eye contact during sex which I got upset about as I thought he found me disgusting (he admitted that he closed his eyes as he always imagined he was the woman) .
c)He said hated anal (but secretly used my anal toys daily)
d)He spend thousands of pounds on lingerie, only to discard them regularly when he went through the 'purging stage'.....only to then rebuy them.
e)He suggested I could save our marriage by us having sex with him dressed as a woman. I found it revolting. Quite simply, I married a man because I'm attracted to men.

The best thing I ever did was file for divorce as they never change/jack it in/ stop doing it etc etc

danitheastrologer · 13/04/2024 11:45

Why do people keep say that he isn't wrong? He married a woman without giving her any kind of heads up about what he was 'in to' and then he made kids with her and now he sneaks off at night and watches himself shoving anal plugs up his bum whilst his family (including young kids) are sleeping? This man is a gross lying old pervert. He should feel ashamed of himself for behaving like this within a marriage. He obviously has no self control, I would divorce him immediately and I wouldn't be leaving him I supervised with my children either. Who knows what other deviant things he is in to.

HappyEDT · 13/04/2024 18:02

wow, @bloomingorchids that sounds like hell, i bet your story is a good one., but I'm glad you didn't gaslight yourself by believing that it was ''ok'' or ''not wrong''.

I feel like the whole 'contract' of marriage was a facade, I'd be so turned off. The thoughts of him suggesting you have sex but he can somehow be the woman????? Wow.

Did his family/parents/friends know why you divorced? If so, i hope they're not showing disapproval that you didn't just endure it. Eugh.

Kianai · 13/04/2024 18:06

I don't blame you op, I'd feel revolted and never want DH near me again if I'd witnessed that!

caringcarer · 13/04/2024 19:49

Hbosh · 09/04/2024 15:54

Neither of you is wrong here.
You can't change the fact that he's not the same person to you anymore. It's sad, because he can't change who he is or how he feels. But you're not unreasonable.
Be kind to yourself. You're allowed to choose who you're in a relationship with and what you're comfortable with.
And honestly, he's probably better off being in a relationship with someone who not only tolerates his sexuality, but accepts it as part of him without having to struggle with not finding him attractive anymore. It would be better for him if he didn't have to hide the things he enjoys, because sadly, right now, he's having to repress part of him to keep you in his life. That's not making anyone any happier.

This is so true.

WhatShallIdo11 · 04/06/2024 20:45

I’ve been with my partner now for 3.5 years - he loves dressing in female clothing and I love seeing him in them. However, I knew from the start that he enjoyed it and he introduced me to it gradually. We had been friends for many years before getting together and he told me before things went further. His marriage broke up because of it. He is very much a man and, an upside is, he buys me lovely clothes. I think I would feel very different if it had been hidden from me though - the only thing I don’t like is that his legs are better than mine! If you can’t except it OP, I wish you well in moving forward - not being honest in a relationship is horrid

Ethylred · 04/06/2024 21:01

This is a part of him, this is a part of who he is. It's up to you to choose how much you care about it.

Balhammom · 04/06/2024 23:36

There’s some excellent, sympathetic advice on this thread, and then some really stupid comments.

OP’s DH clearly has a fetish, and coming to terms with this is inevitably incredibly difficult for both OP and her DH. There’s no obligation on OP to accept it, but it’s also impossible to expect your DH to bury that side of himself. Just one of those situations in which neither person is really at wrong, and neither can be expected to behave or feel any differently.

The responses about perversion, narcissism, and DH being trans or into gay porn don’t really merit a response. I don’t think anyone with a working intellect would agree with any of them. A fetish is just that - they’re not uncommon and don’t imply anything deeper. Just a case of each to their own really.

AGlinnerOfHope · 05/06/2024 07:01

@Balhammom I understood that escalation is in the nature of a fetish. If you indulge it, it becomes the overwhelming focus of your sexuality. That's not great for a partner.

Balhammom · 05/06/2024 07:45

AGlinnerOfHope · 05/06/2024 07:01

@Balhammom I understood that escalation is in the nature of a fetish. If you indulge it, it becomes the overwhelming focus of your sexuality. That's not great for a partner.

There is actually quite a bit of academic literature debunking this. Fetishes (and other types of sexual desire) don’t necessarily escalate. Initially, someone with a fetish may want to explore it in different ways, but that doesn’t imply escalation.

Runsyd · 05/06/2024 10:14

Cazzovuoi · 09/04/2024 15:53

I suggest you read about autogynephilia.

No matter what he says it won’t stop because it’s a sexual fetish. Only you can decide if you’re ok with that.

Personally I’d have stratospheric levels of ick that I couldn’t come back from.

This. Bear in mind narcissism is a core feature of autogynephilia and it commonly escalates. You are right to leave him before he decides there's two women in your marriage and you're both lesbians.

SoundTheSirens · 05/06/2024 10:19

Balhammom · 05/06/2024 07:45

There is actually quite a bit of academic literature debunking this. Fetishes (and other types of sexual desire) don’t necessarily escalate. Initially, someone with a fetish may want to explore it in different ways, but that doesn’t imply escalation.

Show quote history

It’s true some fetishes don’t escalate. Autogynophilia is well known as one that does.

Runsyd · 05/06/2024 10:23

oakleaffy · 09/04/2024 17:38

Loads of men have hideaways and places they probably go to indulge themselves on their own - Sheds Garages Workshops..

It's a shame he was ''caught'' by his wife who finds it off-putting.

I knew a landlady years ago who used to go through her tenant's rooms- and she was telling everyone about sex toys one of her male tenants had in his room.

That really is awful to go snooping about.

In a relationship, the bloke probably knows his wife will balk at such things-
It's a shame if he's an otherwise good man {and a good dad} that he was found out.

Many will disagree though.

Edited
Show quote history

I imagine most people on the planet would disagree with you.

positivewings · 05/06/2024 13:54

I had a boyfriend once i was only 19 at the time.
I came out of the shower and went to my room and there he was wearing my knickers i said what you doing in my knickers he looked at me and said oh their so comfy fair enough as a joke.
But he then said he likes to wear womens nickers i asked him to leave there and then i ended it. I just couldent deal with that.
Everyone to there own but its not something id want near me i just find it creepy that married men or them with women need womens clothes to get off with them selfs.
Just yuk sorry.

IndecentPropolis · 05/06/2024 13:57

Get ready for him
to announce that he’s always been a woman inside really and that you are now a lesbian.

HereToday99 · 05/06/2024 14:03

My husband is into this sort of thing. I just find it a little comical, but NBD. It’s crazy to me that someone would create all this drama and destroy their marriage over a dumb sex fetish.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 05/06/2024 14:14

I don't see the problem with men wearing women's clothing. There's nothing shameful in it, and nothing wrong with it.

In this case it's the secrecy that's the problem, and wearing clothes that aren't his.

I think that's very naïve indeed. I'm pretty sure that most heterosexual women married to a man would be pretty horrified and at least a bit repulsed by unexpectedly finding their husband pleasuring himself wearing sexy women's underwear. I very much doubt that the actual feeling of distaste would be anything to do with the secrecy or with who owns the underwear.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 05/06/2024 14:19

As always on MN, I find it strange that the vast majority of people seem to normally accept that it's normal to want a partner you find attractive, and that there are all kinds of seemingly trivial traits and physical attributes that can make you fancy or not fancy someone. And then you get posters who think that being given the massive ick by something like this is somehow unreasonable.

RoobarbAndMustard · 05/06/2024 14:23

HereToday99 · 05/06/2024 14:03

My husband is into this sort of thing. I just find it a little comical, but NBD. It’s crazy to me that someone would create all this drama and destroy their marriage over a dumb sex fetish.

It's not crazy. If you find it a turn off, that's perfectly reasonable. No- one has the right to force their fetish on someone unwilling. You don't have to be a 'cool wife'. Also it amounts to lying if the male wasn't upfront about his fetish early in the relationship. From his wife's perspective she been living a lie. Some men and their wretched entitlement.

NachoHat · 05/06/2024 14:30

Ugh, vile. I'd be filing for divorce OP. This behaviour won't stop, it will only get worse!

TinselAngel · 05/06/2024 14:38

This is a two month old thread that has been resurrected.

ifIwerenotanandroid · 05/06/2024 17:03

WinterDeWinter · 09/04/2024 17:46

I agree with @SoundTheSirens that there are often strongly misogynist roots to this fetish: the men who are into it are primarily motivated by a desire to be humiliated, and they see being a woman as the most humiliating state.

It's also fundamentally narcissistic in that it is focused on the self as erotic object. In my observation, the narcissistic personality disorder traits grow as the fetish itself grows.

You're probably aware that there is a dominant online culture which says that he is really a woman - I think you should assume that he will find this culture and understand the advantages to his ego of declaring that this is gender dysphoria rather than misogynist fetish.

This is usually the point at which those women unfortunate enough to be tied to these men, by finances, children etc, start to feel the full explosion of narcissistic behaviours. By the end of it you will be broken, a shell, and I strongly advise you to get out now.

Edited

I've read ex-wives saying it can devastate family finances, too, as the husband buys more & more stuff for himself.

Gettingbysomehow · 05/06/2024 17:22

I'm so sorry OP my marriage ended because of bloody fetishism. Once my ex found fet life everything changed. He kept dressing up and taking photos of himself all the time. Our sexife died. I didn't fancy him any more, it was the end and I couldn't bear it. I'm not sorry he's gone.

Cupcake333333 · 05/06/2024 17:36

HereToday99 · 05/06/2024 14:03

My husband is into this sort of thing. I just find it a little comical, but NBD. It’s crazy to me that someone would create all this drama and destroy their marriage over a dumb sex fetish.

I think this is very arrogant of you to say. If you read the post then you'd understand op must also have been in shock at seeing her husband in a way that she had never see before, wasn't aware of and wasn't involved in. I don't think , she can help how she feels and that needs to be respected as well.