Cannot get over husband wearing women's lingerie.

[Chezielou]

Ok so long story shortened... This happened months ago, not been able to get over it, should we split up?

Caught husband months ago wearing my sexy lingerie this was a complete shock as he is a 'manly man'. He said he's done it a couple of times but he's done with it, will never do it again. Few weeks later found him in his garage at 3am surrounded with mirrors and playing with anal toys. He had been going in his garage in the middle of the night for weeks on end at this point.

We had a lengthy chat and he said that was it, never again, he threw out all the 'stuff' and hasn't been going in his garage other than for 'normal' garage stuff.

But I just can't get it out of my head, I can't get over it all. It's changed the way I view him. Last night I told him it was over and he was devastated (we have two children together and have been together for nearly 11 years). He's been crying today saying he doesn't know what to do if he hasn't got his family he's really broken, I've never seen him cry before.

Any advice welcome, AIBU?!

I have another perspective OP. I had a manly boyfriend and it turned out he was into women's lingerie and anal toys. I honestly decided to embrace it and try it - and loved it. He was still the same guy, I didn't change (I'm not a girly), but I liked him dressing up for me and the anal toys. Something to think about, and perhaps try if you want to save your relationship. Good luck, in the end you have to decide what is right for you.

Since all this has come to light he has even tried a lot harder around the house to help out and to be more patient with the kids and to help more with the kids

If he hasn't been mucking in with the kids and house throughout your relationship then he isn't one of the good ones OP. This is just the icing on the top of the cake.
We tolerate a lot of low level shitty behaviour, them living their best lives while we wrangle work, the house and the kids then one day you come across a scene in the garage like you did at 3am and you just think, fuck this I'm out.
I would feel the same as you, it wouldn't be for me and not one person would be able to shame me into accepting it. I am entitled to my own boundaries thanks.

Thank you so much everyone for your advice and opinions, it's making me feel much better about my decision and has helped me to realise that I'm not a bad person for needing to leave.

I think it's sad to throw away 11 years of happy marriage before seeking counselling over this. It may seem like a dealbreaker due to the shock right now, and it's a natural shock, but over time you may come to accept or even embrace it.

To add my own story: I'm female, always loved anal sex as a "treat" every now and again, don't find it painful at all, but extremely pleasurable. When I met my husband he'd only tried anal with a women once before and had a bad experience, but I re-introduced him to it - he was averse at first but over time he saw how much pleasure it gave me, and now enjoys doing it with me once a month.

Six years ago I came home from a night shift in the early morning, and found him masturbating in bed with one of my butt plugs whilst wearing one of my thongs. Like you, I almost threw him out and I was totally disgusted. We slept in separate houses for a month whilst we spoke about it and tried to understand each other better. We didn't have kids at the time so it would have been easier to separate if needed. My initial fear was that he was secrectly trans as my brother came out as transgender after years of happy marriage and it led to a very messy breakup with his wife.

He claimed it was out of "intrigue" as he'd seen how intense my orgasms were during anal, and he'd read online about the male P-spot (prostate) giving similar orgasms in men. This didn't explain the lingerie though and he couldn't give a reason for that, except it was "a moment of madness".

We opened up a lot during that month and it brought us closer. We agreed to explore anal play on him as long as it didn't involve dressing in lingerie, but to compromise I bought him some stylish Calvin Klein male thongs. He doesn't wear them daily or to go to work, but for lounging around the house, and he looks hot in them!

The first time I gave him a prostate massage he shot his load so hard that it hit the ceiling (sorry, graphic detail) and I was able to see how men can enjoy the same intense anal orgasms like I do. It's a massive turn on to see how much pleasure it gives him. We've now got the level of trust and intimacy that we've explored pegging, and I enjoy using a strap-on to make love to him. There's no domination/submission involved, it's all very passionate and he doesn't ask for it, but I'll surprise him with it once or twice a year (normally on holiday when we're able to relax more away from home).

He's 100% straight and if I'd thrown him out, I would have lost my amazing life partner due to my initial shock. We now have a fantastic sex life and have no secrets from each other at all.

Good luck to the two of you and I hope you can resolve your relationship <3

Must have been a shock for you OP.

In recent years I think there has also been a concerted effort to get people, especially women, to accept certain “ kinks” that they find dubious or offensive and which were once seen clearly as perversions. And in the face of this to be the “cool girl”. So even the language has changed. Stonewall was very much part of this campaign of “acceptance”. Some people are just so messed up, even mentally unhinged, they will engage in all kinds of very distasteful, even dangerous, sexual behaviour. Unfortunately, they may also like to promote it to others in an attempt to “normalise” it and justify for themselves.

Lots of insights on this thread, and I think you have had some great, calm advice.

Yes, there's a concerted effort to demand that women be kind and rearrange their boundaries to accommodate every porn fuelled perversion that a man could throw at you.

💯

This is definitely true, but trying on female lingerie and using anal toys I would not consider as "distasteful or dangerous", and wouldn't call a man "messed up or mentally unhinged" for doing it, unless it took over the marriage and stopped normal intimacy due to secrecy. There are some things in porn which I do find very distasteful (facials, ejaculating in mouth) and would never allow my husband to do, but we enjoy putting things up his butt? Everyone is different :)

I was about to highlight the same sentence. So many men on here start with basic parenting and being an equal adult in the home when they know their partner has reached the end. It should make you more angry that the reason he didnt before is that he thought he could get away with being a basic father and partner.

That’s both of you though. Not one of you hiding in a garage and lying about it.

Sexually content people have no need to promote their kinks or perversions to others. There is usually an underlying suspect motive or premise that drives them, however innocuously it is presented.

100% this! Like he's suddenly realised you might chuck him so he is trying to be a better partner and husband. He should have been doing that all along.

Imagine if your kids had found him in the garage....

@SoundTheSirens

I found your post insightful and interesting,

Out of curiosity,

Just wondering what is it about@Chezielou husband fetishism ?
that has deep misogynistic tones that are obviously troubling then?

Only OP’s boundaries matter.
The fact that others accept this is neither her nor there.
He’s a porn addled fetishist, they don’t make good Husbands or Fathers.

Exactly Borg. What the OP thinks and feels, what her gut tells her and what her boundaries are - these are the only things that count. Partners, people generally and even society will try to get women to override their self esteem or self respect, and to discount things they find uncomfortable or unpleasant.

I hope OP finds peace soon.

I don't see the problem with men wearing women's clothing. There's nothing shameful in it, and nothing wrong with it.

In this case it's the secrecy that's the problem, and wearing clothes that aren't his. If he were using his own clothes and was open about it there really isn't anything wrong with what he did. I mean, what's the big deal, really? I don't understand.

This is important. It is likely to escalate.

They never want to dress up in their wives old jogging bottoms do they? It's always the knickers and fishnets, and it always escalates.
I hate seeing posts advising counselling for this, if Op doesn't like it she doesn't like it, end of.

I was just thinking this... it's never like that episode on the It crowd when Moss finds new confidence in women's trousers.

It’s actually the ‘shame’ of feminisation that’s a HUGE part of the fetish.
Read up on ‘sissy’ porn and then tell me there’s nothing wrong with it. 😉
They want the pornified version of femininity because that’s what they think Women ARE.

It’s vile and I would advise anyone to run for the hills.
Women have been conditioned into accepting this for decades, called ‘frigid’ and ‘prude’ for having boundaries.

Yeh gross it's all so fucked up.

I dont blame you for wanting out @Chezielou

@EarthSight and @BorgQueen have explained the issue. At its heart this is a humiliation fetish. These men want to be humiliated and debased (you see a lot of wishing to be “fucked like a wh*” expressed among so-called “sissification” porn). The most humiliating thing they can imagine being is a woman, because fundamentally they see women as lesser with the only attribute of worth being “fuckability”. So they dress as women, and particularly in the trappings of stereotypical prostitutes, who have the double whammy/goal (for the AGP) of being both the cohort of women society has historically considered as having the least “value” and the cohort who - in their eyes - are always available for sex. As others have said, it’s never the jeans and hoody you pull on to do the school run or the old joggers and t-shirt you wear to do the housework in, is it? It’s always fishnets and pink satin underwear.

From experience, I agree with all of this.

Those who are saying there's nothing inherently wrong with this fetish, are incorrect. It's inherently misogynistic as it's based on a pornified, sissified version of womanhood and the perpetuation of this can only do harm to women.

Whilst you currently seem to a fair way from him considering "transitioning" OP, I'd recommend reading the trans widows threads to prepare you for where this behaviour can often lead.

💯 There is a reason that women don't get a sexual kick out of wearing stereotypically male clothes.

And I hate the implication that women who are offended or repulsed by this are 'prudes' or 'frigid'. Just No.