Cannot get over husband wearing women's lingerie.

[Chezielou]

Ok so long story shortened... This happened months ago, not been able to get over it, should we split up?

Caught husband months ago wearing my sexy lingerie this was a complete shock as he is a 'manly man'. He said he's done it a couple of times but he's done with it, will never do it again. Few weeks later found him in his garage at 3am surrounded with mirrors and playing with anal toys. He had been going in his garage in the middle of the night for weeks on end at this point.

We had a lengthy chat and he said that was it, never again, he threw out all the 'stuff' and hasn't been going in his garage other than for 'normal' garage stuff.

But I just can't get it out of my head, I can't get over it all. It's changed the way I view him. Last night I told him it was over and he was devastated (we have two children together and have been together for nearly 11 years). He's been crying today saying he doesn't know what to do if he hasn't got his family he's really broken, I've never seen him cry before.

Any advice welcome, AIBU?!

Yes, indeed you recognise that men and women are different. And men are different from each other. You'll chuck him for this rather than discuss it with him? If you want a boring dude why did you choose him? Think about some of your friends who have relationships have failed through violence, drink or drugs. Are you unable to open your eyes and your heart and your head and talk about this "affliction"? If not, with great respect, he's the one should be chucking you.
But what do I know? I'm an open minded bloke.

Somewhat cheaper to buy some sexy undies than pay for a divorce and two divorce lawyers. Please, whatever this debate is about, it's not about money.

Plenty of us are open minded women @Noverdict. But everyone is entitled to their hard (and soft) lines, and those lines will be in different places and over different things for different people. Once something fundamentally changes our view of our partner, it’s difficult to come back from that. You feel free to dress up in lacey lingerie if you wish; some of us will continue to feel free to find that fetish unappealing on a visceral level that would make it difficult to continue in a sexual relationship with a person who does it.

If you think it's right to stop stereotyping and objectifying women, do you have an opinion on the fact that men who wear women's clothes in the bedroom wear 'sexy' lingerie rather than cotton high waist pants and t shirt bras? It's a sexualised performance of perceived female sexuality. It couldn't be more in line with stereotyping and objectifying women. Can you see why by that reasoning it is so off putting for many women?

Op has made it quite clear that his, very probably escalating fetish, is not for her. I have yet to hear of any women wearing her partners y fronts as a sexual turn on. Check out the trans widow threads, thats an eye opener.

The options aren't 'man who wears women's underwear' and 'boring man' though. It's reductive and lazy stereotyping to suggest that women who don't want to partake in a relationship with a kink they aren't into are therefore only after (or worthy of) a 'boring man'.

If a woman isn't into anal / threesomes / rough sex etc would you really say well if you are turned off by those things then you should be with a 'boring man'? How depressing.

Women not sharing enjoyment of a kink doesn't mean they want a boring partner. It's bizarre to suggest that's the case.

The thing is that you marriage probably is over already because this is no longer and cannot really become a partnership of two equals wanting to face life together.

There's currently 3 individuals in your marriage, which is never a very comfortable number. There's you, the fake masked projection "manly-man" personality that he's been pretending to be, and the narcisistic misogynistic fettishist that's been hiding inside. One of the 3 of you needs to go, and if it isn't you it will be impossible for you to be happy either way with whichever version of him remains.

Leave. It will get worse whether or not you leave, but you will be better able to protect yourself and DC if you leave.

This is the point, and why we don't always understand each other. We should all
try harder.

I'm not suggesting that the other partner should enjoy what you call his "kink". What I'm suggesting is that it's not a reason to end an otherwise happy and successful relationship. I'm suggesting that just because a man wants to wear your undies doesn't make him a bad person, rather than you should talk about it and be less judgmental about it.

Well, if you wonder why a man might be reluctant to let you know that he sometimes gets turned on by wearing lingerie, read the posts most of you have made here. It seems to be that trying on your underwear is a crime of serious immorality to most of the readers here, something to be condemned and certainly not tolerated. This issue seems to create more animosity than violence or coercion in a relationship. Blimey. I bet the guys who sometimes try on lingerie are the violent or coercive ones, so take care all of you. x

So, because he masturbayes sometimes I. Fem underwear, kick him out, because you don't masturbate in his Y fronts? Dis you take a marriage vow where he said you were both to be judged only by your stands, not by his, or by your shared standards?
also: is it the fact that he masturbates that you hate or the fact that he masturbates sometimes in fem underwear??
Which one of those, if either, harms anyone?

What assumptions are you making about his sexuality, and why? Most cross dressers are straight. Most gay men are turned off by men in lingerie. If you're going to sack him on account of his sexuality, at least establish his sexuality first?

You say he enjoys anal orgasms like you do. He has a prostate; you don't. He almost certainly enjoys them more than you do, and he's lucky that you recognise that it's not "gay" to have his second most erogenous zone played with.

The garage is probably attached to the house, so they haven’t gone far 🤣

@Noverdict you seem very invested in persuading women to shift their boundaries- why is that?

Most of the posters here have said this behaviour would not be appealing to them, and that it would put them off their partner sexually. There is absolutely no need for you to try to convince them otherwise. You just need to believe them and accept what they’re saying. 🤷🏼‍♀️ Women (and men) are allowed to draw their own sexual boundaries, and are allowed to end relationships for any reason.

@Noverdict

If you don't tag people or reply to them nobody knows who you're responding to.

@Noverdict

It seems to be that trying on your underwear is a crime of serious immorality to most of the readers here, something to be condemned and certainly not tolerated. This issue seems to create more animosity than violence or coercion in a relationship.

You think that, based on this thread, posters would have less of an issue with being physically assaulted or coerced than a partner wearing women's underwear?

What an utterly bizarre and nonsensical thing to suggest.

The sheer amount of pontification on this topic, aimed at getting women to change their boundaries in favour of cross dressing men, will never cease to amaze me, even though I've been at this for years. The patriarchy always rallies round, doesn't it?

Thank goodness I had real life friends I could confide in who didn't try to gaslight me in to thinking things like this were OK.

I know! Women gaslighting women about what they should accept in their relationship and sex life.

We have to put up with all this, one group gaslighting us to stay, and then afterwards another criticising us for not leaving sooner.

It’s not just women doing the gaslighting here.

Personally if my husband was into this I would also find it a turn off but I'd just say can you do this at a time and in a way that I don't have to see it or think about it (and obviously, without involving anyone else). And please buy your own lingerie. Then continue as normal. Is that really impossible in an otherwise good marriage?

I said that to my ex at one point.

It’s not just women doing the gaslighting here.
I agree. I think there are probably male cross dressers who scour the internet for posts like this and post things they think will minimise it. This may sound far fetched to the uninitiated but getting wives to stay with cross dressing men was (and I'd imagine still is) explicitly one of the aims of the Beaumont Society.

Some of the posts on the thread absolutely have that tone @TinselAngel