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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Cannot get over husband wearing women's lingerie.

208 replies

Chezielou · 09/04/2024 15:49

Ok so long story shortened... This happened months ago, not been able to get over it, should we split up?

Caught husband months ago wearing my sexy lingerie this was a complete shock as he is a 'manly man'. He said he's done it a couple of times but he's done with it, will never do it again. Few weeks later found him in his garage at 3am surrounded with mirrors and playing with anal toys. He had been going in his garage in the middle of the night for weeks on end at this point.

We had a lengthy chat and he said that was it, never again, he threw out all the 'stuff' and hasn't been going in his garage other than for 'normal' garage stuff.

But I just can't get it out of my head, I can't get over it all. It's changed the way I view him. Last night I told him it was over and he was devastated (we have two children together and have been together for nearly 11 years). He's been crying today saying he doesn't know what to do if he hasn't got his family he's really broken, I've never seen him cry before.

Any advice welcome, AIBU?!

OP posts:
BMW6 · 05/06/2024 18:39

HereToday99 · 05/06/2024 14:03

My husband is into this sort of thing. I just find it a little comical, but NBD. It’s crazy to me that someone would create all this drama and destroy their marriage over a dumb sex fetish.

Oh good for YOU 🙄🙄🙄

Balhammom · 05/06/2024 20:38

ifIwerenotanandroid · 05/06/2024 17:03

I've read ex-wives saying it can devastate family finances, too, as the husband buys more & more stuff for himself.

I see the point, but to be fair, I think a few pairs of lacy undies are a lot cheaper that DH taking up golf or wanting a football season ticket.

MILTOBE · 05/06/2024 21:11

Balhammom · 05/06/2024 20:38

I see the point, but to be fair, I think a few pairs of lacy undies are a lot cheaper that DH taking up golf or wanting a football season ticket.

You think it stops there?

BananaLambo · 05/06/2024 21:28

How incredibly unfortunate for him that you caught him in your underwear after ‘only a few times’ and in the garage with anal beads and mirrors after ‘only a few weeks’. Come on, OP. This is the tip of the iceberg and I’d bet a good 10 of your English pounds that this goes a lot further and deeper than you realise. It’s probably too late now but I’d be checking his phone for apps like Fetlife, Grindr, etc.

Runsyd · 05/06/2024 22:53

HereToday99 · 05/06/2024 14:03

My husband is into this sort of thing. I just find it a little comical, but NBD. It’s crazy to me that someone would create all this drama and destroy their marriage over a dumb sex fetish.

Have you collected your cool wife award today?

Seriously, get some self respect.

Noverdict · 06/08/2024 01:14

I am really perplexed by so many women here being appalled and outraged by their men wearing lingerie sometimes. What's the problem? I'll bet you'll happily wear some of his clothes sometimes. Most men who wear lingerie are straight. Why not embrace this desire of his, this feminine side, go shopping together, make it part of your sex life. He's still the same guy. Stop saying you "caught him", like it's an offence.
Would you really dump him for trying on your underwear (well, unless he damaged it anyway).

Firealarm1414 · 06/08/2024 04:00

I'll bet you'll happily wear some of his clothes sometimes.

I'll bet she doesn't wear his clothes to look at herself in the mirror and masturbate. Pretty sure that the number of women who do this is miniscule

Chezielou · 06/08/2024 05:24

Firealarm1414 · 06/08/2024 04:00

I'll bet you'll happily wear some of his clothes sometimes.

I'll bet she doesn't wear his clothes to look at herself in the mirror and masturbate. Pretty sure that the number of women who do this is miniscule

This!!! 👏👏👏

OP posts:
BananaLambo · 06/08/2024 05:53

Noverdict · 06/08/2024 01:14

I am really perplexed by so many women here being appalled and outraged by their men wearing lingerie sometimes. What's the problem? I'll bet you'll happily wear some of his clothes sometimes. Most men who wear lingerie are straight. Why not embrace this desire of his, this feminine side, go shopping together, make it part of your sex life. He's still the same guy. Stop saying you "caught him", like it's an offence.
Would you really dump him for trying on your underwear (well, unless he damaged it anyway).

Probably because one of the reasons most women are attracted to their partner is because of his masculinity. The thought of my big strong hairy ex rugby player partner prancing around in ladies underwear is deeply unattractive to me. If a couple have discussed it and are happy with it then great, let them get on with it, but it would definitely give me the ick.

NoisyDenimShaker · 06/08/2024 05:55

I'm not an expert on these things, but does it automatically mean he's got AGP, or can it just be a case of cross-dressing? As icky as cross-dressing might be, it's fairly common. From wikipedia on the topic:

"The general culture has very mixed views about cross-dressing. A woman who wears her husband's shirt to bed is considered attractive, while a man who wears his wife's nightgown to bed may be considered transgressive. Marlene Dietrich in a tuxedo was considered very erotic; Jack Lemmon in a dress was considered ridiculous.[97] All this may result from an overall gender role rigidity for males; that is, because of the prevalent gender dynamic throughout the world, men frequently encounter discrimination when deviating from masculine gender norms, particularly violations of heteronormativity."

I never thought of it this way; that it's OK for us to dress in a masculine way but not the other way round. So maybe the ick about cross-dressing is much to do with socially proscribed ideas of masculinity. To employ some flexible thinking, why is a woman wearing the boy-short style of underwear not seen as icky like a man wearing a woman's pair of knickers?

The reason I'm pointing all this out is to encourage some critical thinking on the subject, because it does seem such an enormous pity to end a marriage over a private sexual pleasure. On paper, it doesn't make sense to throw everything away over that.

But on the other hand, when it comes to pure emotions, I understand COMPLETELY about the ick. I would feel exactly the same way and would hate, hate, hate having a husband who was into all this. That's my knee-jerk reaction. It's a sort of betrayal, in a way. As in, you threw in your lot with him when you married him, on the assumption that he was into YOU, and then it turns out he's into something that has nothing to do with you.

It's a tough one, and I sympathise hugely.

Not for the first time, I do wonder why humans have organised their society so that our very families and homes are all dependent on the existence of sexual attraction, which is so easily dampened. Dampened by things like dirty dishes, never mind stuff like this. I wonder if previous generations had it right, where people did not marry for romance and sexual attraction but for practical reasons, like having children or pooling property.

The OP says this happened quite some time ago and has not been able to get over it. In that case, they are just going to have to divorce. It's very sad, but you can't be married forevermore to someone to whom you have no sexual attraction. A divorce would give both parties freedom to pursue their own sexual preferences.

In OP's shoes, after the divorce was done, I'd need some good solid shagging from a man who was really into me to make this ick go away.

Moonshiners · 06/08/2024 06:02

BMW6 · 09/04/2024 16:51

You've got the Ick.

It's over.

Ughh. The fucking ick is such a childish way to talk about a long term relationship.

Icanttakethisanymore · 06/08/2024 06:05

Do you want to make it work? Is your relationship otherwise good? Have you considered couples therapy?

Im sure most people will say ‘I’d leave him’ (I don’t think I would personally, because I do t think it would affect feelings for him but that’s obviously not the case for you). However, you have kids so I think if the relationship is otherwise good I’d try and work something out.

Icanttakethisanymore · 06/08/2024 06:11

Runsyd · 05/06/2024 22:53

Have you collected your cool wife award today?

Seriously, get some self respect.

Who appointed you the arbiter of what constitutes self respect? If she’s fine with it, she’s fine with it. Does she need to confect an issue to align with your view of how women need to feel about this type of stuff? Are her views less valid than yours?

SoundTheSirens · 06/08/2024 11:24

@NoisyDenimShaker I think it's safe to say when it's all predicated around sex and secret masturbation that it's an AGP fetish. It's not like he's pushing the boundaries of gender norms in daily life by deciding to wear nail varnish and a pink floral blouse with his tailored suit.

It's almost always lingerie in secret and fantasies of being "fucked like a slut", because at heart it's a misogynistic humiliation fetish. Women wearing their boyfriend's discarded shirt because decades of Hollywood romcoms have said it's a way to look cute while making breakfast, or a female star wearing a tux to a red carpet event is hardly the same.

Newsenmum · 06/08/2024 11:25

This is the issue. He needs to be honest with you and himself.

NoisyDenimShaker · 06/08/2024 11:51

SoundTheSirens · 06/08/2024 11:24

@NoisyDenimShaker I think it's safe to say when it's all predicated around sex and secret masturbation that it's an AGP fetish. It's not like he's pushing the boundaries of gender norms in daily life by deciding to wear nail varnish and a pink floral blouse with his tailored suit.

It's almost always lingerie in secret and fantasies of being "fucked like a slut", because at heart it's a misogynistic humiliation fetish. Women wearing their boyfriend's discarded shirt because decades of Hollywood romcoms have said it's a way to look cute while making breakfast, or a female star wearing a tux to a red carpet event is hardly the same.

Well, that all sounds very sinister, but does it apply to all cross-dressers? Just seems that there's always been a sizeable minority of men who seem to be titillated by cross-dressing, and mostly people just have a giggle at them. Not people who discover their partner is doing it, of course. But this secret side of society has always been expressed in men dressing up as women in pantomime. And then the principal man being played by a woman, per tradition. Basically, does cross-dressing always have to be as harmful as AGP and to be based in misogyny? I thought it came under the old "slap and tickle" category - i.e. people who enjoy a bit of kink.

BananaLambo · 06/08/2024 11:53

Moonshiners · 06/08/2024 06:02

Ughh. The fucking ick is such a childish way to talk about a long term relationship.

Thank you for your insightful contribution.

OneRoseCat · 06/08/2024 12:12

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OneRoseCat · 06/08/2024 12:19

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aCatCalledFawkes · 06/08/2024 12:22

SoundTheSirens · 06/08/2024 11:24

@NoisyDenimShaker I think it's safe to say when it's all predicated around sex and secret masturbation that it's an AGP fetish. It's not like he's pushing the boundaries of gender norms in daily life by deciding to wear nail varnish and a pink floral blouse with his tailored suit.

It's almost always lingerie in secret and fantasies of being "fucked like a slut", because at heart it's a misogynistic humiliation fetish. Women wearing their boyfriend's discarded shirt because decades of Hollywood romcoms have said it's a way to look cute while making breakfast, or a female star wearing a tux to a red carpet event is hardly the same.

Personally I think the wearing a man's shirt in morning might sound sexy or look sexy in film but that many women just look awful in a some baggy t-shirt cut for men or some smelly creased discarded shirt from the night before.
I absolutely wouldn't ever think "oh how cute, I'll borrow his shirt the morning after". No thank you, I'll bring my own clothes that fit me. If its a tux on a red carpet I would expect it to be expensive and tux cut for woman if worn by a woman.
Its sounds like a totally different mentality from a man wanting to look at himself in female underwear to get a kick out of it.

Beth216 · 06/08/2024 12:25

This is all way too grim for me to get my head around, I'm not surprised you can't get over it. God knows where he's going to go with it all next.
Who's with the kids when you're both out at some garage at 3am?

BobbyBiscuits · 06/08/2024 12:29

It seems like he's not being honest. It's clearly a specific fetish, not something he decided to try out on the off chance as a one off.
It's a shame he can't be more open about it and say, 'yeah, I'm into this. Obviously it's a personal thing that doesn't involve others. I was worried you would leave me over it. But it's part of my life and I feel I need to do it sometimes.'
If you feel you can't carry on the marriage knowing his kink, then that's your choice. And the right choice. It's certainly sad. But I think it's not something he'll be able to just stop doing at the drop of a hat. Nor should he particularly. There's nothing actively wrong with his kink. Though of course it's a deal breaker for you, which I fully understand.

Waitingfordoggo · 06/08/2024 12:52

Bizarre on a thread in which the OP is repulsed by witnessing her partner using anal toys that someone should come along and write a long post about how much she enjoys pegging her husband 🤔 Doesn’t really seem as though the OP is going to be up for that, does it?

OP, I know you started the thread 4 months ago- if you’re still reading, I hope you’re ok and have managed to make a decision that feels right for you. This would be a dealbreaker for me too.

Noverdict · 07/08/2024 00:38

I just want to say that I don't ask any of you to be turned on by your guy in underwear. That's deeply personal and none of my business. I'm just trying to suggest that it's not a reason to end a relationship. And, as some very wise person pointed out, women seem to be only too ready to wear their guy's kit. Guys are, quite properly, asked all the time to stop
stereotyping women, objectifying women. Maybe the same applies each way? If the biggest problem in your relationship is that your guy occasionally gets off wearing Lacey fem stuff, lucky you.

Hillcrest2022 · 07/08/2024 00:51

Nope

Leave him. Sadly your relationship is over.