Cannot get over husband wearing women's lingerie.

[Chezielou]

Ok so long story shortened... This happened months ago, not been able to get over it, should we split up?

Caught husband months ago wearing my sexy lingerie this was a complete shock as he is a 'manly man'. He said he's done it a couple of times but he's done with it, will never do it again. Few weeks later found him in his garage at 3am surrounded with mirrors and playing with anal toys. He had been going in his garage in the middle of the night for weeks on end at this point.

We had a lengthy chat and he said that was it, never again, he threw out all the 'stuff' and hasn't been going in his garage other than for 'normal' garage stuff.

But I just can't get it out of my head, I can't get over it all. It's changed the way I view him. Last night I told him it was over and he was devastated (we have two children together and have been together for nearly 11 years). He's been crying today saying he doesn't know what to do if he hasn't got his family he's really broken, I've never seen him cry before.

Any advice welcome, AIBU?!

I see he wheeled put the big guns when you said it was over (crying and promises).

Steel yourself against manipulation. He's asking you to unsee what you saw and ignore the lies he told you before you saw it. He wants to have his cake and eat it.

He doesn't seem narcissistic 🤷🏻‍♀️ but I suppose as this has shown there are lots of things I don't know about him even after nearly 11 years. Since all this has come to light he has even tried a lot harder around the house to help out and to be more patient with the kids and to help more with the kids. He really isn't a bad guy. It's all just so confusing but it's just such an ick that I can't get over, it's changed everything.

You can't put the hoover around and eviscerate the image of your kinktastic garage unveiling revealing your history of lies. That's utterly grotty.

I wonder if it's more than a fetish? Esp with the anal toys?

I don't know how counselling can change his No1 sexual attraction. Which is to himself as a woman, not to his wife.

I wouldn't want to be no2, and even less if No1 was such a misogynistic, narcissistic fetish. It's not harmless, it's often linked with paraphilias of all sorts. Plus, it's never a comfy nightie or jeans and jogger, is it? Always six inch heels, fishnets and butt plugs.

Like dear old publicly acceptable cuddly harmless Grayson Perry for example. Who openly admits his transvestism is sexually motivated, he must have loved having those young fashion students designing fetish wear for him 🤢

You are not alone in finding this hard to deal with and you have absolutely every right to choose to walk away.

I would suggest some counselling to allow you both to come to terms with this situation entering your relationship and allow you to part slowly and with acceptance that it is not what you thought it was. You also need to consider how you might tell your children now or in the future.

Ick.

What a weirdo. I'd leave 100%, couldn't stay with someone who had a perverted kink like that 🥴

Leave

Sad that he had to hide away in the garage? Give me strength. He was hiding away to satisfy his perverted kink. Only "sad" thing is his poor wife who now has to process this.

It's a shame that he's stealing her underwear and doing something he promised he wouldn't do again

Hmm, it's the mirrors, shows he gets a kick out of watching toys go up a man's bum as well as the sensation. Probably watches gay porn too. So he's either gay or bi, either way, been in the closet a long time.

If you said you could learn to live with it, he’d be coming out as ‘Trans’ in 5.4.3.2.1 ,
get out before he destroys you.

Men with all-consuming fetishes deserve to live their sad little lives alone.

I would be leaning towards he likes men too or is interested as he was doing anal stuff. Has he ever tried to bring any kind of kinks up with you to try? Id say he's been doing it the whole time but you've been finding him in compromised positions now as he could subconsciously be getting sloppy

Do you need to get over it? Personally I would not want to get past it. I do not find men who wear woman's underwear attractive do I would not want a sexual relationship with a man who liked wearing women's underwear. If you aren't ok with it, you aren't ok with it. Why should you be?

I don't think it's going to go away.

At best, he wants to experiment with different sexual practices to see if they will work for him, and you don't have to be ok with that. He doesn't have to be ashamed of it either.

He might be an transexual (as in the old fashioned kind), so I'm not surprised he's a manly man. That's part of the appeal for some of them - all their lives they've been told or witnessed women being regarded as a sub-ordinate class of people, one that manly men must never be mistaken for, so wearing frilly froo-froo women's underwear or highly sexualised clothing for women is the height of humiliation. That's really sexually appealing for them. Same with anal - part of the appeal for him might be the thought of being humiliated into these acts, or even being penetrated by a man - again, the height of humiliation if you are a very macho, hetero bloke.

Your point about him trying harder to be more patient with the kids, 'help out' aka be an adult, indicates that he's not actually that much of a nice guy.

The culture I'm referring to is intrinsically narcissistic and men understand very quickly that the way to avoid facing the potentially catastrophic conflict between their self image and the reality is by centring themselves as victims. The women - who have discovered that their lives thus far have been a lie, and who are trying to protect their children from chaos - are not, therefore, victims at all, but phobic bullies. The men are roundly applauded by a culture which likes to think of itself as progressive but which wishes to avoid any change which would affect the economic bottom line (for eg, real women's rights). The women are left bewildered, betrayed, and broken.

Sorry - I meant to quote this post of yours, OP, not poor @Desecratedcoconut.

I’m not helping here I know, however the whole mental image of that setup, very much gave me the impression he’s posting photos/videos of himself somewhere. Either way I don’t think you need to get over it, it sounds like you’ve done the right thing leaving. And like others have said he’s not actually going to stop.

I think for his sake he should get counselling to explore whether he’s bi or AGP, where that came from (?porn) then decide what he wants- which imo should be to stop porn, and go cold turkey on the voyeurism.

But none of it involves you. That boat has sailed.

If you do decide to stay, and accept that this is his kink ... it won't change. He can shout and cry that he'll never do it again, but he will, he'll just find more covert ways to do it.

If you stay and tolerate his fetish, he might then try and introduce it into your bedroom....is that something you could handle, or want to even entertain ???

Only you know the answer to this x

He does sound very AGP and I imagine he would start to feel better if he stopped watching porn. But he most likley won't.

Sorry this is happening OP.

You might find this website useful www.transwidowsvoices.org/

There are also transwidow support threads here in FWR, women who have been on the receiving end of the narcissism, escalation and broken promises.

Wise words @Katkins17

Strange that he thinks that being more patient and a better father is the right way to make you forget about this. Surely he should want to be be a good dad anyway? Is he confronting the issue or moping around meekly painting himself as the victim here?
Is he quite sexist? Sees housework/kid stuff as women’s work? His behaviour now could be a way of shutting you down (tears, threats of self harm etc)