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Original poster

Would you leave it all behind for love

213 replies

grannysmyth · 09/04/2024 01:36

There’s a long story behind this, but I am curious to know what you would do.
if you had to give up your beloved little home, your financial security and comfort, the country you live in and have adopted happily as your own, for love - with someone who has demonstrated time and again that they love you and who you could see yourself having dc with, but who very struggles at times with their MH and is not well off financially - would you? For possibly true, once in a lifetime love?

I am not sure how much I can give up for the sake of love. But I am in my late 30s with some terribly unfulfilling relationships behind me and I know I would miss him terribly.

for various reasons, we cannot be together in this country and it is time limited.

wwyd?

OP posts:
BasiliskStare · 09/04/2024 01:48

If I am honest the MH issues as long as you understand them and can work out whether you can live with that I think is one thing , The not being well off is another thing - both of these can be talked through . What I personally would not do is give up my home and financial security for the possibility of true love and have to move to a different country. Not quite sure why it is time limited but I would not be made to make a decision in short order.

If I am to be honest with you @grannysmyth I would not do it. Some past unfulfilling relationships don't necessarily mean this is the right one , even if you will miss him.

But my two penny ' worth - only you can decide. I wouldn't personally.

But best wishes 🌹

ThisNiftyMintCat · 09/04/2024 01:49

Yes- you can always move back

Opentooffers · 09/04/2024 01:57

Possibly, until you said he has MH issues and not well off financially- if that means worse off than yourself and less secure than you, it's a total no. Picking the wrong people stems from not actually chosing them, but more passively accepting someone just on the basis that they seem to really like or love you. Initially flattering, then the appreciation can get addictive, until you can get to a point of ignoring the parts that are wrong. The way you accentuate how much he likes you at the start, says a lot. It takes more than that, don't make it the only reason for hanging onto a dud.

MessyNeate · 09/04/2024 01:58

If you don't try, you'll always regret it.

I moved. 20 years ago, I left all my family and friends and the home I knew to relocate to a different part of the country 400 miles from home.

Although, that marriage didn't work out.

I am still in that place, some of my family have followed me, I've worked to get my dream career and 3 years ago I met my wonderful DP.

So even if it doesn't work out with him long term, there is still a chance of happiness

Opentooffers · 09/04/2024 02:01

Thinking over previous relationships, did they chase you from the start? How many times have you actively tried to hook someone and got them?

Original poster
grannysmyth · 09/04/2024 02:02

He has some independent wealth (not huge, but enough for a couple of decent assets) but no career to speak of and not likely to get into one now due to his age. I am in a mid paid career with a ceiling. I think money might become an issue.

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 09/04/2024 02:02

No.

If you have children abroad, with someone who then wishes to stay there, you may not be allowed to leave with your children. You may be forced to stay, and if he divorces you, you may not be able to work and support yourself.

And you have a history of making poor choices with men.

The risk would be too great for me.

Original poster
grannysmyth · 09/04/2024 02:03

@Opentooffers thats a very good point. He pursued me hard at a time when it was flattering. but I do think he’s amazing in many ways, fancy him, etc. I’m not sure I ‘chose’ him but I wasn’t looking if that makes sense.

OP posts:
imforeverblowingbuttons · 09/04/2024 02:11

No because what you described doesn't sound worth the upheaval.

SmallIslander · 09/04/2024 02:12

No, let him come to you if he is serious.

LightDrizzle · 09/04/2024 02:16

No.

RosaCaramella · 09/04/2024 02:24

It is so hard to say. I think many of us believe in the once-in-a-lifetime, soulmates, twin flames kind of love but 25 years down the line, maybe not so much… Add in any kind of debilitating health problem and the idyll is a lot less rosy.

Sorry to sound so cynical. Him not having any kind of career ambition (or even just a reliable paid job) could become something you resent as you get older especially if all the pressure is on you to provide. But if you really love him and think he deserves you and you are not selling yourself short, you could give it a go. Is there a way to keep the door open for you to return to your job and home - all that you are giving up to be with him? So you relocate on a trial basis? Maybe mixing a touch of practical with romance is the best solution. X

Original poster
grannysmyth · 09/04/2024 02:44

I think the issues that concern me in no particular order-

Traumatic childhood (really bad DV) which has left him with diagnosed ptsd

He Is 5 years sober from 15+ years of alcoholism

He has a self confessed eating disorder (binge eating and anorexia) which sometimes relapses

Only one previous relationship, a long marriage that he left shortly before he met me, though I do believe they were both checked out for some time before

No children by early 40s, though he desperately wants them

Has 2 degrees but does not have a career in either sector and has previously only worked manual type jobs for any length of time - he’s super smart but I think he is a big underachiever. He says he’s not materialistic and prioritises family and life balance over a big career. But this is v diffferent to my exH where we both had good jobs and no real money issues

he is very emotionally intense, think tons of love letters, wanting to spend loads of time together, get married quickly etc. At times it is overwhelming and I question how it can be genuine- I’m just a normal person.

He is very controlled about things like cleaning and organising and I am more laid back.

With my ex I had a very comfortable life and no big worries but I think despite my love and tendernsss for this man our relationship could bring me new kinds of worries. Like having kids with a man without a career and decent earning potential scares me. And what if he relapsed into alcoholism or had a MH crisis… I don’t know if I’d cope. And I don’t want to resent him above all for having to give up my life that I generally love.

OP posts:
Firecat84 · 09/04/2024 03:10

Having kids is the best but is also HARD WORK. Absolutely relentless hard work, at least for the first few years. It tests your relationship, it tests your mental health and it is a massive financial strain. You and your partner need to be on the same page about how you bring them up and run a household (I'd worry about what you say about his standards - is he going to fly off the handle if he feels you aren't doing enough housework?) and ideally you need a support network.

I think you may find in this situation that once you have kids you begin to feel that your partner is another child. His long love letters etc will just be irritating when actually what you want from him is to get a job and help with the laundry and take the kids to the park. I don't think having a well paid job is the be all and end all but it sounds like you two have different priorities and outlooks and I think you may well end up trapped and resenting him.

You can always have kids on your own if you really want them!

Newnamehiwhodis · 09/04/2024 03:22

No. Oh hell no, I would never give up my financial security for any man, “love” or not, because I know how truly false and flimsy love can be. Even someone who supposedly proved their honorable nature for years can turn on a dime - and was the absolute worst decision I ever made.
no. Somehow, keep your head and keep some sort of security, some kind of exit strategy, because they can and will turn into abusive control freaks or worse.

Newnamehiwhodis · 09/04/2024 03:23

Oh god. Having read more of this thread- his intense love bombing of you is a MASSIVE red flag. Please do not give up any of your security for this man.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/04/2024 03:38

I did move countries for DH but I wouldn't for yours. Too many red flags.

Original poster
grannysmyth · 09/04/2024 03:41

I have also known him less than a year. It does feel soon to make a decision like this but we do feel strongly.
@MrsTerryPratchett what would you say are the biggest red flags that I mentioned out of interest?

OP posts:
Deipara · 09/04/2024 03:43

What would you miss about him? Or is it that you would miss all the attention he is showing you?

Based on your update:- no, I wouldn't move to him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/04/2024 03:51

grannysmyth · 09/04/2024 03:41

I have also known him less than a year. It does feel soon to make a decision like this but we do feel strongly.
@MrsTerryPratchett what would you say are the biggest red flags that I mentioned out of interest?

Recovering alcoholic with PTSD who binge eats. That's not healthy recovery. He just changed substance. And PTSD is a dreadful thing. Moving country is HUGE and so any small red flag becomes enormous under that pressure.

Original poster
grannysmyth · 09/04/2024 03:57

I sometimes feel like love is his new addiction. He said he knew he loved me when he first saw me. It just doesn’t seem
healthy. things have also been up and down with us, he gets jealous of my ex and insecure about my feelings for him and he needs a lot of reassurance. He isn’t a calm person. I think that’s setting off my gut, as much as I love him and would miss him so much. I can’t imagine how he might handle having dc (which I really want.) He had such an abusive childhood it could be very challenging. And he has been hospitalised with panic attacks in the past and didn’t have a job for several years. He might want dc but what if it’s just too much in reality. I have a FT job, worked my whole life, I like holidays and a nice home and peace and stability.

OP posts:
Original poster
grannysmyth · 09/04/2024 04:00

@Deipara i would miss our conversation - we have so much in common and we both have a shared passion hobby/vocation which is how we met. I would miss his face, his smell, the physical stuff. I would miss him being there for me literally always. I feel like he sees me in a way many people don’t. I would miss the attention, yes, and I do wonder if it’s become a little addictive as he is so attentive, but I care for him so much. I do worry too if I want to help/heal him which I’m sure isn’t healthy.

OP posts:
Stickyricepudding · 09/04/2024 04:09

No I wouldn't because what you have described here isn't true love. It sounds like an unhealthy obsession borne out of MH issues. Having witnessed a family member do similar & end up in a boiling frog situation. I would advise time apart to see the man for who he actually is; a controlling dependent who is isolating you.

Original poster
grannysmyth · 09/04/2024 04:16

For a bit of extra info; I would move back to my home country where my family are and where he is also from, he keeps saying it will be great for me to be around family and I don’t think he is trying to isolate me. But his visa in this country is about to run out and so he will leave fairly soon for our home country, the problem is, I love the country where we live and I don’t really want to go back to our home country at the moment because I have friends here, a flat I love, I travel a lot in this country and I always wanted to live here,’it took years but I feel comfortable here. I worry I would resent him for taking that from me. Is love enough? I feel like such a dick for putting lifestyle above the man I say i love. But I was walking round my city today and the weather is lovely and I love the vibe and I went to my favourite shops and I thought again, I don’t want to give this up, but I don’t want to give him up either. It’s so so hard. I live in an incredible city and if I moved back home I would only be afford to live in a small town or the country, which would be ok as I could buy a little house finally, and be near my family, but it’s just not the lifestyle I love.

OP posts:
Overlyanxious · 09/04/2024 04:19

@grannysmyth don't do it. What's great at first can very easily become a rubbish relationship where lovely conversations turn to barely speaking to each other. Possibly a slight exaggeration but relationships change so much from the beginning and changing your life so much isn't worth the risk