This partly got sparked because yesterday I found out he’d been keeping a secret from me (only that he met up with his ex wife when he was on holiday, they have family in the same area, but it was a secret nonetheless and he had been saying a lot lately about not knowing if he can trust me which was clearly projection, he admitted that and apologised a lot, he said he hasn’t been sleeping or eating right since he came back 3 weeks ago.) Anyway I was a bit angry about it all as we’ve had some arguments about this trust thing recently. And at one point he was like “fuck you” to me which sort of shocked me. And he intoned that he might go round my ex H house to ask if we had met up. He swears he won’t do that but anyway it was not a nice interlude. I walked off after he swore at me then he literally ran after me. I walked off again, ran after me. Apologising, saying I love you so much, etc, it was all an intense scene and I felt like I was wasting time with this intensity in my life as it interferes with my work and general well being.
alongside this, I do see the red flags. He has previously said if I am ‘materialistic’ I shouldn’t be with him because he’s not like that and he can’t provide the same way my exH did. He is judgy about people who are career/money focused and he says he hates when people ask ‘what do you do?’ As it places too much importance on your career in terms of your worth. I don’t think that’s offensive though, it’s just normal as most adults do work especially if they have no dc. He was also a bit judgy that I fought for 50/50 in my divorce even when it was complicated as he said no money should be worth going through that. I guess the subtext feels like, I know I would probably be the breadwinner if we were together and I’m not very rich. I think his ex W was the breadwinner though he claims his investments made more money than her well paid professional job and he won’t accept that despite him not working for a chunk of their marriage, she supported him financially. In that time he pursued his hobby but never in a marketable way, made no money or got recognition. But he says he doesn’t do it for that reason.
He seems to have no ambition really; he has been in my city for a few months and actually turned down a good job offer and he was saying if we move back together, he is going to do a masters in his creative hobby and work part time!! I could def see myself resenting that because it’s my hobby too but I have to work FT especially looking at property prices back home if I did move, expenses in the area I want would be easily 2k+ a month leaving aside saving and fun money and thatd be a chunk of my income if I was doing my job back there. It feels wrong that he hasn’t had a continuous job in literally about 15 years for more than a few months and he moved around so much. Realistically this won’t improve in his 40s. He says he wants a career in his hobby but it definitely doesn’t require a masters and he has not properly pursued that either.
I also think that he has a romanticised view of love (think rom coms) and his ex w didn’t want kids, so now he feels rushed due to his age but he has no experience with them. He wants to get married and move in and has been guilting me about missing me at night for months when we don’t stay together. He’s never lived on his own without a gf except for a few months when he was about 18.
tbf he is very domestic and I don’t worry about that. But i am fine at cooking and cleaning. He has a restrictive vegetarian diet which would prob even make cooking/eating less fun.
I am well aware I sound like I am talking myself out of it. Maybe I am!? I just love the place I live so much and I would probably never get to be here again. The idea of not being rung by him twice a day and not having to arrange my free time around us where we mainly talk about our relationship and lie in bed… it just feels freeing.
at the same time I would miss him terribly. I’m really afraid of that. He broke up with me 6 months ago but we couldn’t stay apart.