Would you leave it all behind for love

[grannysmyth]

There’s a long story behind this, but I am curious to know what you would do.
if you had to give up your beloved little home, your financial security and comfort, the country you live in and have adopted happily as your own, for love - with someone who has demonstrated time and again that they love you and who you could see yourself having dc with, but who very struggles at times with their MH and is not well off financially - would you? For possibly true, once in a lifetime love?

I am not sure how much I can give up for the sake of love. But I am in my late 30s with some terribly unfulfilling relationships behind me and I know I would miss him terribly.

for various reasons, we cannot be together in this country and it is time limited.

wwyd?

i could definitely start therapy. This has made me aware of some issues I never knew I had tbh.

Because he took it too far and his lies came crumbling down around him. I called him out on it and let him know I was fully aware of the lies he’d told - he then ran off without a backwards glance. They can never face the consequences of what they’ve done and just discard you instead.

Once I realised what he really was I was horrified and angry with myself for falling for it. They are very practiced in their manipulation, it isn’t obvious but very discreet.

His wife knows everything too/the lies he told about her and I’ve heard through the grapevine she’s stayed with him. They really do a number on people. You don’t want to accept you’ve been so naïve - although it isn’t really naivety but like you said, wanting to take people at face value and also not having any reason to doubt them - when you are a truthful and honest person yourself you expect others to be the same - especially if you’ve no experience of narcs/pathological liars. I couldn’t believe I’d come across such a person as I’ve always thought of myself as sensible, cynical and with my head screwed on.

Obviously I’m not a psychologist but so many of the things you’re saying about him draw parallels with what happened to me.

If you live in different countries it’ll be even easier for him to lie to you about his set-up.

Oh dear god, NO!
In 5 years time you will really bloody regret moving to be with this one.

Please don't do this!! Choose long distance instead. Do not move it's a trap.

No. Once the honeymoon period is over and realism sets in, it sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Sorry.

Agree with everyone else - and would like to add that no, he is not supportive.

Well, this is a tough question to answer with my mind, so I’ll answer it with my heart - my intuitive wisdom. I realize society tells us when you find true love, run. Or if you don’t find financial security with the person, run. I would understand that in my partner’s struggle, eventually their expression of love towards me will wane if they are not growing and elevating how they care for themself. What I understand to be truer than all of that is one has a very difficult time sustaining full capacity love for someone else when they're not caring for themselves. If your partner is struggling with mental health, this is likely why he’s struggling financially. And the way we do one thing is the way we do everything.

This is not to say run. But do watch for the consistencies in his self-care with his “other-care”.

Simply put no.

I think you should see this man and your relationship for what he/it is, not a dream you have. It won't work out. Loving someone is not enough.

He seems to have no ambition really; he has been in my city for a few months and actually turned down a good job offer and he was saying if we move back together, he is going to do a masters in his creative hobby and work part time!!

When I read the thread title I was going to say yes because I almost did - but the guy I was considering moving for was a hard working NYC lawyer with good financial sense. But reading everything this man sounds like an absolute liability who will suck you dry.

It’s not about him not being rich or career focused it’s more the fact he’s planning to live off you. He is in his 40s and wants kids and thinks now is a good time to go back to study and for you to subsidise him Ridiculous and selfish! He’s hanging on about not being materialistic and he doesn’t like people asking him what he does for a living but I wonder if he’d be okay if you also decided you didn’t really want to work?

Dont think you’re being materialistic at all. Why would you get with a guy who wants to bring your standard of living down and has no drive to provide for you and any future children? I’m a similar age to you and I am extremely direct with men. I know what I want and I’ll come right out and ask men what they do. I’ve seen too many men live off women while leaving them to do all the childcare as well and that’s not going to be me. Or they split up and because he’s not got any money they don’t get any child support.

I couldn’t care less if a man , especially one who is planning to live off me , thinks I’m being materialistic! I was speaking to a man 40+ who was starting a Bachelors degree and working part-time in a bar, and it was an immediate no. He was also hazy about his work history. Being with someone like that would be setting myself back 2 decades
and undoing my hard work!

Aside from the practicalities of either having to fund everything for both of you if you want to maintain your lifestyle or living off beans & toast along with him, the decision to go back to uni at that age - when you can’t really afford it - to study something which probably won’t lead to a job is often an indicator of someone with very poor judgement. You’re right - you would resent him! Especially if you had kids. Just think you probably wouldn’t be able to take any maternity leave!

I know you don’t want to disclose his hobby but when you said a masters in a creative hobby it made me think “writer” or poet!

at the same time I would miss him terribly. I’m really afraid of that. He broke up with me 6 months ago but we couldn’t stay apart

You will miss him and you’ll be heartbroken etc but you’ll get over it. You really will!

Good lord, no way. You deserve much better than this.

@Wildgeen you guessed the hobby…. Also, great post. Thanks everyone. I really need this thread right now.

No, no and no. Your own financial security is priceless. He seems like a bit of a loser to me.

@Wildgeen
You’ve nailed it.

The alcoholism would be a no for me. As well as some of the other negatives. But if he struggled with alcohol again and children were in the mix it would be awful. Sometimes love isn’t enough!

So in short, to give up security of familiar country, own home, financial stability for unknown for the sake of love?
No, i would not do that. But im in my 40s and divorced and my perspective on these things is different.

It’s not so much that it would be unknown if we went back to my home country, I lived there most of my life, I just don’t love it like I love the country I’ve been living/working in the past few years. I would have more security in some ways (be able to buy property, see my family more, healthcare is way more affordable, I know the country inside out) but I feel like I would miss my life here too much for those benefits. I’m jsut not ready to leave.

It sounds to me like you have your answer then.

But, as an aside, what do you think about people's observations of this man's behaviour?

No.

IMO don't go that route.

The world is full of opportunities and great people.

Open your eyes to a different future.

@grannysmyth I really feel for you as emotions can be intense especially when someone has pursued you so hard and become such a force in your life, its natural to worry about what a gap they would leave - BUT from all you say you will absolutely be able to fill those gaps with other things you love - noone should make you feel so much stress/pressure/uncertainty and definitely not within such a short amount of time being together!!!

Please dont give up the life you love for a man who really isnt promising you all that much (or able to give you much!)

@GreyCarpet honestly it’s been really disturbing to see this take on things. Like I said before I took stuff at face value. I feel lighter already having broken things off. He seems like a person who really needs something in his life and will say anything to get it. His intentions towards me/us are not what they seem, I do believe that. This thread has been immensely helpful.

So many red flags, whether you were considering moving or not. Once in a lifetime love? You're not a teenager. There are plenty of other well adjusted men you'd be potentially compatible with. Just no.

You've broken things off? Thank God for that!

Yes - thank goodness! Because he may try (hard) to persuade you to do what he wants and make you a pile of promises which he won't be able to maintain. Stay strong! 🌹

Dating him at all was a bad decision! So many negatives about him. Would stop all contact.