Would you leave it all behind for love

[grannysmyth]

There’s a long story behind this, but I am curious to know what you would do.
if you had to give up your beloved little home, your financial security and comfort, the country you live in and have adopted happily as your own, for love - with someone who has demonstrated time and again that they love you and who you could see yourself having dc with, but who very struggles at times with their MH and is not well off financially - would you? For possibly true, once in a lifetime love?

I am not sure how much I can give up for the sake of love. But I am in my late 30s with some terribly unfulfilling relationships behind me and I know I would miss him terribly.

for various reasons, we cannot be together in this country and it is time limited.

wwyd?

I wouldn’t necessarily assume you’ve been duped or used for a year. He may have cared for you a lot and is now feeling rejected and has withdrawn. Which would be fair enough. None of us were there, we don’t know the full dynamic. But whatever was going on, you have now come to realise that you do not share values, work ethics, life goals or wish to live the same sort of life. And as others have said, thank god you have realised before making a huge life changing decision.

It kind of sounds to me as though he has never quite grown up. Living off parental assets/income and not needing to work might sound amazing, but I think having money that’s not your own to fall back on can be quite damaging in terms of personal development.

In my life I have given and given and given.
I did so in the name of love I thought I received.
I have given up jobs, friends and lives I was living.
I did so with our knowing I was being deceived.

If love is forever, always and more than just lust,
How can it be broken by those in the thrawl of lust?
How could it be severed by a passing trend?
How could it turn so quick to the enemy when once it claimed be your best friend?

Love is fickle, love is blind, love changes in time and, eventually, love it quickly passes.
Don't be so quick to drop all for loves promise, because, my dear reader, often the promisers talk right out their asses.

Hah. Stupid me.
Don't drop anything for love. Don't do what I done. House, jobs, cars, dogs, given up for love...
Only for those loves to fuck me over and cheat and prove their love was a lie.

@grannysmyth

One thing I’d say is not to internalise it. He treated you a certain way because of his own brokenness, not because there’s anything wrong with you.

And secondly, this may be his best attempt at “love”. It’s not true love of course but it’s maybe the most he is capable of.It sounds like he was emotionally stunted in his childhood and he didn’t take steps to heal from it. He’s aghast at the thought of being described as manipulative like his father, but yet hasn’t taken the necessary steps to make sure he unlearns whatever behaviour he grew up with. As a result, he doesn’t has have the skills or capacity to love authentically and deeply.

To be clear, I say this not to excuse him at all - he is still responsible for his actions and how he operates and functions with others as an adult, but just remember it’s a “him” problem not a “you problem”. It was his wife before, now it’s you and sadly next it’ll probably be someone else that he will love bomb and discard.

You can’t get the time back you spent with him but you can learn from
this and make most of the time ahead of you and be glad and proud of yourself that he didn’t manage to trap you!

If you can go on holiday or do a nice brunch with a few friends or have a heart to heart with a close friend that might help as an immediate pick me up.

But the truth is it is indeed very hurtful, and it’s ok to acknowledge that and take some time to feel your emotions and go through the healing process

No no no no no. He is a walking red flag. Also he's lovebombing you.

' How do I move on from that? '

therapy ! lots and lots of talking / thinking / considering / writing it all down and reading it.

and thanking your lucky stars you haven't given up everything !!!

Having read your updates, if I were you I definitely would move countries - to get as far away from him as possible!

How do you know when it’s love bombing?! I feel so stupid tbh!

I’d say when it feels just a bit too much, too soon and too rushed and it just doesn’t ring true!

I love romance and I like meaningful conversation but be careful of people who either overshare (telling you their deep trauma off the bat) or ask you too many probing questions early on or immediately leap to saying how amazing and unique etc you are.

They’re trying to get you to form a deep attachment to them, and all the while they’re not really attaching to you, it’s more of a game to them . So it’s easy for them when they choose to drop you, but you’ll feel the pain of their absence as you were genuinely feeling bonded to them.

Heres one definition from an article linked below :

“Love bombing is generally understood to be a tactic used to lower someone’s natural inhibition to gain their trust. Within romantic or personal relationships, it is a tactic often used by abusers to manipulate their target into forming a deep bond and connection. The love bomber will shower their target with praise, affection, gifts, compliments, and attention before withdrawing the positive reinforcement, leaving them wondering what happened and hungry for more.”

https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/love-sex/sex/a43708874/what-is-love-bombing-and-how-can-you-spot-the-red-flags/.

I remember I’d exchanged a few messages with this guy online, on the third day he started saying how he couldn’t stop thinking about me.

I was very boring about it and calmly told him that didn’t make any sense , considering we had barely spoken and that I certainly didn't feel the same . He unmatched, right after that chat - probably because he could tell I wasn’t falling for it at all! 😆

Obviously sometimes it can be more subtle than that though.

I was firmly in team "go for it"! But from your updates, no way. You have known him only a year, previous history of alcohol and eating disorders, PTSD, no career, seems no firm job. This would be a horrendous move for you.

You have dodged a bullet

you should be out celebrating

I faced this dilemma. I didn't want a long distance relationship but the
person won me over, promising they were retiring early, I was the love of their life and they would absolutely definitely move here. They didn't have to lose their home or financial stability, as they could rent it out and were retiring anyway.

They then decided they couldn't face the move and instead wanted me to move there. That would mean me losing my lovely job that is going to give me a much better pension than I could get anywhere else, including where they live, and losing my home. And being far away from my adult kids.

I decided that I wasn't going to lose everything I had, including my long term financial stability for them, when they weren't prepared to make a move for me.

I had really believed I'd met my person, and it broke my heart to walk away. But it was the right decision and no regrets.

In your situation, I would ask what he is brining to the table. Why can't he move to you? Never give up a good job and financial independence for another person. As women, the ability to have independence is hard won and the most precious thing we own.

I read your initial post and replied saying never give up financial independence for a relationship. And now I've read your updates...... absolutely no way, never! Don't do it!!!!
He is love bombing you, controlling, jealous, unstable etc.
You value peace, stability, career. He doesn't. You aren't a good match.
All of his talk about him not having a career because he values other things is a smokescreen. That is what he tells himself and you to make him feel better about how his working life has not progressed.

Of course he wants someone who is a good worker and can support him. I bet he plans to look after the kids while you and go back to work, too. Then he "can't possibly work because he's a stay at home dad".

You know you can't do this, your posts are loud and clear.

Don't feel stupid OP. You didn't buy his bullshit. You didn't give up your security for this man. You are a badass!