Would you leave it all behind for love

[grannysmyth]

There’s a long story behind this, but I am curious to know what you would do.
if you had to give up your beloved little home, your financial security and comfort, the country you live in and have adopted happily as your own, for love - with someone who has demonstrated time and again that they love you and who you could see yourself having dc with, but who very struggles at times with their MH and is not well off financially - would you? For possibly true, once in a lifetime love?

I am not sure how much I can give up for the sake of love. But I am in my late 30s with some terribly unfulfilling relationships behind me and I know I would miss him terribly.

for various reasons, we cannot be together in this country and it is time limited.

wwyd?

Fuck No. He sounds like an absolute nightmare.

You would be bonkers to give up your security for this man. He is currently love bombing you, and I bet he is as flaky as fuck. Just no. And again, No.

And why the rush to marry?

That is the biggest red flag IMO.

Almost like he wants you for your money. You really need to take a step back and look at this with hard edged clarity - imagine it was your friend or dd - what would you be telling them?

You need to take emotion out of it - you haven’t even lived with this man. You don’t really know him. He sounds like a master manipulator, after you were angry discovering he met up with his ex it’s “I haven’t slept or eaten for weeks”. He sounds like he blames all his issues on everyone else and doesn’t take responsibility for his actions.

Why would you want to move country and give up your nice life for someone like that? Honestly, he sounds well dodgy.

Having read your updates... absolutely no way!

Yes. He told me about his current issues with the eating disorder when I was angry. And previously he’s told me things like he his friends sister is dying or his sister is going through divorce to explain why he has been erratic/argumentative. I do think that’s quite manipulative but when I have used that word he gets offended as he said his abusive father is manipulative, and he’s nothing like him.

He isn’t getting any better the more you reveal!

🏃🏼‍♀️

I'm a bit confused by your posts, tbh, OP.

Because one one hand, it seems like you completely 'get it' - you detail every single one of his 'red flags' and seem to understand why his attitude and behaviours are concerning.

But then you say that you know you sound like you're talking yourself out of it, almost as though you're reassuring everyone posting that you're not. When you absolutely should be talking yourself out of it.

I do think that’s quite manipulative but when I have used that word he gets offended as he said his abusive father is manipulative, and he’s nothing like him.

And this. What does it matter whether he agrees he's manipulative or not? You think he is and your opinion is the only one that matters when it comes to making decisions about your life. Not his.

So what is your gut feeling?

Give everything up, move and marry him or end it and stay put?

I can't actually work out whether you see his many negatives as an actual problem.

I’m beginning to see that @Catoo . But it still feels really really sad. The intensity has made him a huge part of my life. I’ve told myself a certain story about him and us and it is very hard to let go of. I really have wanted a future with him in the past and if things were more settled I still would but even just circumstances make this too hard. I’ve realised how much I don’t want to give up my home atm. And I am very conscious of having a child in another country etc anyway.

@GreyCarpet your afvice has been amazing on the thread and I guess I am just working through it. I guess the thing with him sayibg he’s not manipulative, I tend to take things at face value and I have to remind myself people are not honest and open or they manipulate at times. My mum has always said I’m too naive and trusting.

So what are you going to do op?
You barely know him, and what you know is not good.

he's lovebombing you, won't discuss finances, sees you as a nurse with a purse, has trust issues while behaving questionably, has addiction issues, ptsd, no career or aspirations...

sorry, what was the question again?

My mum has always said I’m too naive and trusting.

Listen to your mum. People like him target empaths like you.

Have you looked up covert narcissism? He sounds like he has a lot of the traits. They love bomb you in the beginning to lure you in but they are pathological liars and everything is designed to make you feel sorry for them. When you call them out on their behaviour they walk away/stonewall you or start with the manipulation/love bombing again.
Id bet money on most of what he’s told you being false or an exaggerated version of the truth. Does he paint his exes as crazy/having MH issues?

I actually said to him yesterday that I wasn’t sure this was good for us if he’s in an ms place mentally because of me and he hasn’t spoken to me since. I suppose before I say it’s over I don’t want to have any regrets.

He said his long term ex was a liar and a cheater and that she had no interest in sex or affection or conversation. Not crazy though.

I do understand that - about taking people at face value. It's fine to do that!

However, that only extends for as long as what they say and what they do matches.

If you can see that he is being manipulative then that is all that counts.

I could tell you I'm a 5'8, a size 8, blonde. You don't know me. So you'd have to take that at face value. I've also said nothing here that would contradict that. So why wouldn't you accept it?

But it's not true. And if you saw a photo of me that showed I am really 5'3, a size 12 and have black hair, you wouldn't take what I said aboutysepf above at face value anymore. Because you'd have evidence to the contrary.

I understand that you have built up a narrative around you and him. That's not uncommon and is the whole reason for lovebombing and 'future faking'. It sweeps people along with it and stops you from thinking, hang on a minute. Let's look at the evidence...

I would write a list of all the reasons not to and another with all the reasons to do it. The list with the greater reasons would decide it for me. I wish you all the best whatever you decide.

I also know that you're reading all of these posts thinking, "I can see what every one is saying, and it makes sense. But they don't know him. Or me. They've never seen us together."

And you'd be right.

But a great number of us will have met men who are just like him. Or at least similar enough for us to be able to accurately predict what a future with him would look like.

And you must be able.to see it yourself really.

I know you’re right @GreyCarpet . I guess the fairytale is nice to hear but the reality has been quite stressful as it doesn’t feel right to have to quickly decide to give up your whole life. I was engaged to my ex H for 2 years and we never even had kids despite initial discussions. It wasn’t rushed. I do think this guy has not healed from his divorce or his previous issues and he maybe wants an easy option for his next life. But I keep coming back to imagining being back in my home country in a quite boring little town, with less money and working ft while he is doing a masters in our shared hobby and only working pt and no amount of him doing domestic chores will make that up for me as I know I will resent it. I wanted to do a masters in it years ago but was never able. And I don’t think it’s practical now in my late 30s wanting dc, but he is even older than me!

I bet if you talked to her she’s have a very different story.

Do you even know for sure he’s not still married?

When I was seeing a guy like this (covert narc) his lies were so outlandish it seemed inconceivable they couldn’t be true. Afterwards you see it all clearly but when you’re in it and they have you in their grips you don’t know you arse from your elbow.

I had red flags in the beginning (love bombing, moving far too fast, convenient story about soul sucking wife with MH issues)and I ignored them because being with him gave me such a high (dopamine!) and I felt we had such an intense emotional connection that I didn’t want to believe he could be lying. Also he was very brazen and introduced me to friends, had me to his house etc. But he wasn’t the person he portrayed at all - he was a pathological liar and a loser. They mix truth in with lies to keep you confused - after all if he’s disclosing that about himself why would he lie about other things?

I mean, yours isn’t even trying to disguise the fact he’s a massive loser!!

@theworldie hwo did you detach from that man if you felt so strongly about the myth he was selling?

But I keep coming back to imagining being back in my home country in a quite boring little town, with less money and working ft while he is doing a masters in our shared hobby and only working pt

I mean, his intentions are really staring you in the face. He must have pound signs flashing in his eyes. He wants you to facilitate his pipe dream.

Covert narcs always go after women who seem more attractive/affluent/successful than them. They want a mummy to look after them and pay for everything. Mine was exactly the same, his wife was attractive with a great job and unable to have children (so could concentrate fully on him) she paid the rent and bailed him out when his business failed. He even drove her car as he doesn’t have one! - being onto such a good thing still didn’t stop him screwing around though because they need constant supply. They get off on making people fall in love with them and will say anything and everything to get you to give them your time and affection.

If it feels too much to say, "No," outright, I would tell him that it is too big a move at the moment and that I'd only consider ling distance. His reaction to that will tell you want you need to know. I know he's already said it wouldn't work but that anust because it doesn't suit him. He's not considering you at all.

A couple of my friends met during Freshers week at university. They dated for three years. He'd always wanted to travel and so, after they graduated, he travelled the world solo for a year. She didn't want him to go. Not really. Not deep down. But she didn't stop him becaise she loved him amd wanted what was best for her as well as him. She didn't want him to give up something that had been so important to him.

We're now all nearly 50 and they're still together.

That's what love looks like.

The intensity has made him a huge part of my life.

And that's what he us banking on to reel you in.

Never too late to do a Masters degree or follow any pathway you want.

Plus your next partner could be enrolling on that course as we speak.

I think you would benefit from some therapy if you can afford it.

I wouldn’t do it. Long distance is always more romantic and not a true indication of what the relationship would be like day to day.

It is a definite no. You are far too good for him and I promise you he will bring you down.
What would you advise a good friend to do? Write it out and follow it xxxx

I second this Do you have funds to invest in some professional, neutral therapy? 🌹