Would you leave it all behind for love

[grannysmyth]

There’s a long story behind this, but I am curious to know what you would do.
if you had to give up your beloved little home, your financial security and comfort, the country you live in and have adopted happily as your own, for love - with someone who has demonstrated time and again that they love you and who you could see yourself having dc with, but who very struggles at times with their MH and is not well off financially - would you? For possibly true, once in a lifetime love?

I am not sure how much I can give up for the sake of love. But I am in my late 30s with some terribly unfulfilling relationships behind me and I know I would miss him terribly.

for various reasons, we cannot be together in this country and it is time limited.

wwyd?

Now I have read that you value peace and stability, I cannot for the life of me imagine why you would contemplate turning your life into an absolute fucking nightmare.

Yes, of course it’s ok to choose to prioritise your own life!!! Thus man has more red flags than a Communist party convention, and your gut is telling you this! Listen to it.

At times it is overwhelming and I question how it can be genuine- I’m just a normal person.

It might feel genuine to him right now. He might believe that you will be the solution to all his problems. He might imagine he'll feel.happier, his MH will be cured, the impact of his past lessened etc by you making this move. All he wants is for you to love him.

Unfortunately, that won't happen and you will soon become the enemy because, when he doesn't feel better, he will blame you for not loving him enough etc. When he feels bad, it'll be your fault; if he relapses into his addictions, it'll be your fault. Only none of it will be your fault.

You know when people assume that their lives will improve when they lose weight, if they have the nose job, if only they lived somewhere else or changed their job etc and then realise, having made those changes, that they don't? They still feel 'not good enough'? Their lives didnt improve? That's because those things weren't the real issue. The way they feel about themselves is deep.within them and none of those things are going to fix what is deep.within them.

This is what he is doing.

Only by the time he realises that you weren't the magic cure, it'll be too late for you and you'll have given up everything.

You are not a rehab centre for a broken man.

It’s ok to want experiences, job, quality of life over a man and dc.. right?

And I can't believe you're actually asking this question, tbh.

Why would you even consider giving up everything you have worked for for a man?

I have only read page 1 of your posts, but it sounds like he is love bombing you.

I wouldn't give up my home, career, lifestyle for someone who is displaying many red flags. the love bombing, the personal issues, the under achieving. I think this is a recipe for disaster.

Personally, I dont think he matches your needs and I think you need to feel loved and cherished in your relationship - which I assume was missing from your marriage, hence why you are soaking up his love bombing.

Please dont do this, its a recipe for disaster in the long run, IMHO.

Me too. He's lovebombing you and you've become addicted to it. This is not love.

your life sounds wonderful, why give it all up for a man with so many red flags?

If you're asking the question then don't do it. If my DH asked me to leave everything and move to the north pole with him I would in a heartbeat.

No. A thousand times. NO.
For all these reasons you have listed

oh no, I have just read your further posts.

NO, just no, as others have said he has more issues than vogue. Please stop this now, you are worth far more than this. Id take some time to reflect, have some therapy and work out why you think this is a good guy for you. He really isnt.

If you were to do this you would be back on MN within the year telling everyone he was a 'cocklodger'.

I would give up lots for love but I would be wary about the combination of MH issues plus no financial stability and presumably in another country. Any one of those things on their own would not be a barrier but all three together could put me in a really vulnerable position if it all went wrong. That's not to say I wouldn't do it but I would definitely have a 'plan b' in place.

I think you are addicted to him rather than thinking rationally. You haven't said one thing about him that would make anybody in their right mind move country to be with him.

It sounds as though he gets addicted to everything and anything. At the moment you are the latest thing and he is showering you with attention with the intensity that he used to drink himself to sleep.

He is lovebombing you. he is future faking. Your future with him would actually be very bleak. I know you want a child but for God's sake do you really think he sounds like a suitable father? he sounds like a complete mess.

Yes you can move with him. You will regret it for many many many years.

What @GreyCarpet has said.

If you do go, consider renting your flat out, taking a career break rather than quitting.

Wow. He’s asking a lot isn’t he… give up your home, job, life, friends, income, move thousands of miles away and you get him, to support financially and emotionally forever in exchange for love (maybe- because if you have children with him I think he will run).

He has a ton of issues, it’s not one or two, it’s many very intense issues. It would be a no from me.

He really wants to live with you because it would make his life considerably easier. Every update is about what you're giving up and red flags en masse surrounding him. Please don't give up your financial security for this man. Or any man.

Following your 1st update , no, no ,no. (Also why does this kind if thing usually involve the woman moving and giving up their life. )

No I wouldn’t and I think you’re probably driven by wanting a family, which is natural.
I would keep seeing him at a distance, enjoying your non-cohabiting time together whilst thinking about how you can get the life you want for the future.

he really wants to live with me

And what do you want?

You're posting here because this isn't sitting right with you but you would feel selfish and uncaring if you rejected him for the reasons you've given? It would mean, in your head, that you are someone you didn't think you were? IE a woman who is prioritising herself and her own life, future, goals etc over love?

When you think about being with him; having children with him, how many concessions are you making in your head? How many 'if' conditions would have to be in place? How much hoping that he would change x, y or z are you factoring in? How many assumptions about what would be different if you made the move and gave him everything he wants are you making?

Because the relationship advice I've always given (and taken myself) to anyone is that you should always proceed on the basis that the current situation is the best it's ever going to be. Don't ever make decisions regarding a man based on an assumption that he will change in any way because generally, people don't. This is who he is and no amount of wishful thinking on your part is going to change that.

And finally, in your head, this is a fairytale. I'm not saying that to be dismissive but because it is. It's the dream for women isn't it? One that we've been sold since infancy. You can be as independent as you like but then a man comes along, loves you like no other, and you give it all up for him. Because that's what women are supposed to do?

Beauty saves the Beast? Cinderella is rescued by the handsome Prince? Sleeping Beauty lives happily ever after? Except that Princess Fiona doesn't stop Shrek from being an uncouth ogre. She just became one herself.

He will bring you down.

There are big alarm bells @grannysmyth . Your language worries me, you have used both 'the one' and 'true love'. I'm wondering if he put those toxic concepts in your mind.

I think that language is a big red flag for future abuse. In that you gave to forgive him because he is/you are 'the one' and he behaved that way because he is so in love with you. Other people that criticise him don't understand 'true love' or 'real love'...

See how things go after he moves back. Don't make any big decisions that jeopardise your security or future.

Why would you have to give everything up?

Not even the slightest chance. No way. Especially not for a relationship as you describe with a man with so many issues, it just doesn’t sound very healthy.

Jfc woman, he sounds intense. I bet you'd have great sex and pillow chats,but this sounds like a perpetual adolescent. I think upping sticks and getting impregnated by this man abroad because of true love, sounds like a bad idea.
having fun with him. Being lovers and having an adventure , sounds great fun, but please don't get yourself too entangled. It's not romantic or fun when the money runs out and you're the one doing every fucking thing while he has a proven track history of being flaky and unreliable.

If you actually wanted to you wouldn't be thinking twice op...

This is your life, you get to control the direction of it. He has come into your life and you've had some good times, but his wants/needs/circumstances do not override yours.

You say he said long distance wouldn't work - I tend to agree, but it does show that he himself isn't in the "anything for love" mindset. Would it be possible for him to renew his visa/be able to stay in your country more permanently, what would it take? Is he going all out to make that happen if it is a possibility? It might be impossible, I don't know the rules here.

No definitely not.

There are so many red flags that you seem to be oblivious to.

He’s also a very damaged man and that is going to bring a whole host of problems to your door.

You cannot heal anyone.

No. Don’t be daft. You can find someone else to love who’s not unstable and who doesn’t require such huge sacrifices.

Can you rent your flat out in the city you love? Give this a trial run in your home country. I'm notcsure how easy this would be employment wise.
If you are focusing on having children, priorities change and you may want to be near family anyway.
However other things to consider? Would you need to share your income with him? Does he currently claim benefits such as housing benefit, thsn he would loose?
What is he like whrn you are ill? Does he cook/ clean generally look after you? What is he like when things are not going well for you/ him. How does he cope?
Having children is hard work, it's working as a team, it stretches you mentally and physically in thr first few years. Have the conversations about money. Long term goals.
All of this. I'm wondering how he would feel in reality, after mat leave, if his free and easy lifestyle is replaced by looking after a young child day in day out. A lot less time for a hobby etc

I have an old school friend who did this. Moved to a country she had never even been to for to for a man who pressured her into marriage. She didn't realise at the time that he had bipolar. She realised that he was unstable after having children with him, and although he provided for his family the marriage came unstuck and she was very unhappy. Unable to leave because she couldn't take the children out of the country. She gave up the chance to train in something she had always wanted to do, and rarely saw her parents again. Think very carefully, and don't have children with this man unless you're absolutely sure . She loves the country but was effectively a prisoner in the marriage and unable to leave.