Would you leave it all behind for love

[grannysmyth]

There’s a long story behind this, but I am curious to know what you would do.
if you had to give up your beloved little home, your financial security and comfort, the country you live in and have adopted happily as your own, for love - with someone who has demonstrated time and again that they love you and who you could see yourself having dc with, but who very struggles at times with their MH and is not well off financially - would you? For possibly true, once in a lifetime love?

I am not sure how much I can give up for the sake of love. But I am in my late 30s with some terribly unfulfilling relationships behind me and I know I would miss him terribly.

for various reasons, we cannot be together in this country and it is time limited.

wwyd?

You've broken things off? That's good! How did he respond?

I know that MN has a bit of a reputation for people crying LTB a the first sign of anything but, really, his behaviour was very concerning.

I don't know you and the thought of you giving up everything for this man was very worrying!

The fact you already feel lighter speaks volumes.

No. I did it and it was a nightmare.

I was with a man for 3 years. I'd known him as a friend and after coming out of a terrible marriage I thought he was a safe bet because I knew him. He was mid 30s, a guitarist, had never held down a job for long. I was late twenty's, had my own house and a good career. He was a nice guy. He was ambitious as long as it was in line with music. He'd come up with these grand plan to build a music school etc. but never had the funds or the motivation to actually do it. It was all a bit of a pipe dream and he was quite delusional really. He'd do the odd job here and there, delivery driver, barman, always part time and he'd throw the towel in after a few weeks or months because "it wasn't quite for him".

He was good fun on the weekends and in a way I sort of admired his "free spirit" attitude. I wished I could be a bit more laid-back like him and care less about building a nice life for myself and ensuring I had security for the future.

But when it came down to reality we just weren't compatible and ultimately had different goals. He moved into my house, never paid any rent and would lie in bed watching TV all day while I was working 60 hour weeks. I resented the fact he could just leave a job because he didn't fancy when I didn't have that option or we'd be out on the street. I resented the fact that we couldn't go on holiday together because he'd never have money. I ended up paying for my own 30s weekend away. I realised that his "free spirit" attitude was just laziness and a refusal to grow up.

He also had a bit of an issue with alcohol. Wasn't bothered about having nice things as long as he could put fuel in the car and go to the pub at the weekend.

I burst out laughing at him when I came home from a long day at work, he'd been in his dressing gown all day watching TV and eating sweets. He told me he thought we should have a baby because he could get quite lonely when I was away for work and he'd like a little friend to keep him company. Like, what the actual fuck? Maybe get a job then mate.

My family and friends all hated me being with him as they could see what a sponger he was so they were delighted when it ended.

I'm now married to a man who is highly ambitious, a hard-worker and shared my dreams and ambitions. It feels like we're a proper team working together for the same goals. It's a proper partnership.

Guitar man is now in his 40s. Spoiler alert, he's still not a famous rockstar. He hasn't build a music school. He's working in a call centre and his parents helped him get a mortgage for a 1 bed flat.

In future, be less willing to take things at face value.

That doesn't mean you should become mistrustful and suspicious, just don't accept what a man says at face value once you can see the inconsistencies and dissonance. Trust what you are experiencing and how it makes you feel over their reassurances.

I don't know how to explain this really but, when I am dating someone, I kind of leave their words hanging in the space between us. They're nice to hear but that isn't enough. It would be easy to let those words into my heart and my mind but I don't.

When those words are backed up by actions/evidence, they move closer to me. If they don't, the words move closer to them. If that makes sense. I don't let myself get 'caught up' in the feelings.

I remind myself that my life had been fine for the X number of years I'd lived before meeting them and that, if I lost them or had to remove them, it would be fine again.

I've removed far more.men from my life than I've kept!

A lot of what I've said to you has come from personal experience either of my own experiences of childhood trauma and knowing how deeply that impacts someone and from experience of dating men with issues. I also work with people who have experienced childhood trauma.

With regards to any big changes to your life, don't make any for another person without at least knowing them for a very long time, having confidence that there words meet their actions or without an exit plan.

It's not very romantic, no but that is the stuff of stories where a third independent, and more importantly, real person is in control of the narrative. Those fictional characters aren't real. They don't exist. Once the story ends, they are no more. If you moved to be with this man, your story would continue but you would no longer have the control over your own narrative that you do now.

Nope. You lost me at 'give up financial security'. Why would you do that? Nothing trumps financial security and the independence that gives you.

Read your thread and am so relieved for you to have broken things off. He obviously brought charisma, excitement and romance to your life, but alongside that, many other less attractive and quite serious traits which you are clearly uncomfortable about. Sounds like in your heart you know it was the right thing to do - you feel lighter already which is so telling. You sound very self aware, at ease and content with the life you have created and you already know what you value in work/life/partner. He brought many exciting new things to your relationship but your gut has made the right decision.

This. Bloody hell- thats love bombing if ever I saw it. Absolutely not.

You'd give up financial security and move for someone with addiction issues and no financial security just because they're intense and tell you they love you?

Good grief no. This wont end well.

Nothing is right:

He wants to cock lodge.
He is an addict
MH problems
Damaged childhood
Masters for what? He isn't going to work.
He has serious jealousy issues

To start with the most glaringly "run for the very distant hills" reasons

Please don't do it.

Ah a creative writer - I knew it!

You said you share the same hobby so I’m sure you’re aware that plenty of people work full time while doing a creative writing masters part time over 2/3 years. And most authors don’t even have a Writing MA. It’s great if you’ve the time and can afford it, but it’s absolutely not necessary. And as he doesn’t seem to have the drive to actually seek an agent or a publishing contract, or even build a sustainable self publishing career, it’s not like you’d be getting a ROI.

You’re hit the nail on the head about him saying anything to get what he wants. There are quite a few self-proclaimed “creative” and “non materialistic” smooth talking men out there who see women as a meal ticket.

It sounds like your eyes have been well and truly opened. I’m so glad this thread has been helpful for you. Keep coming back to reread all the advice if you start to doubt your decision!

@Wildgeen he has actually written 10(!!) novels but barely even queried any of them. Never had a short story published. I think he knows he’s not that good, under the bluster. But yes it’s also laziness and lack of drive. I find that unattractive. It was starting to give me the ick.

I broke it off definitively yesterday and I’m having really hard moments tbh but it’s interesting he stopped fighting/pursuing when I think he realised I wasn’t going to be a meal ticket or place to live. He was sad but I could almost see him starting to lose interest as soon as he saw I was serious. I did suggest long distance and he immediately dismissed it and it was like the wheels started turning like -‘ok, time for a new game plan. Very very odd.

10 novels ? That’s a massive time investment! Is this why his work history is so patchy? Yes, that level of laziness would be a real turn off for me too.

He’s either just writing these novels purely for his own enjoyment or he is sensitive to rejection so is reluctant to query widely. Has he had any full manuscript requests from agents at all or just stock rejections? You really need to have a thick skin as well as talent and discipline to be an author. It sounds like he may be quick to discard one writing project and move on to the next one, but as a writer you should be willing to spend years revising your manuscript if necessary.

And most writers do all this alongside full-time paid work.

He probably reckons he’s put on a great act, but really he’s very transparent and is quickly showing you his true colours now he’s realising you’re not going to fund his dreams and lifestyle.

It’s actually laughable that he is the one calling you materialistic as well!

Well done!

Keep busy now and don't dwell on him. Good things are coming....

Well done, even if it's the best decision you've ever made it is still a difficult one.

You seem to have made the right decision OP, even if it was hard one and no doubt hurtful.

no career to speak of and not likely to get into one now due to his age

No, because this isn't someone I'd want to have DC with. He sounds like a bit of a loser tbh.

Plus, every single one of these a massive red flag and a hard 'No' from me.

WTF do you see in this man????

I worry about your boundaries and self-respect tbh, if you honestly think he's a catch and someone you'd give up everything for.

Good decision, OP. Hope you are ok. Onto better men things!

Just got to the end of the thread - SO glad you've broken it off.

His reaction is very telling. You've said no, so he's immediately gone: 'Okay, next!'

I guess my question today is: how do you get your head round feeling used? Like all his many words were just to get an outcome (moving in together basically, but potentially all the other stuff pp have mentioned) and now he isn’t getting that outcome it’s like none of that ever happened. I feel used, and duped. Maybe that’s not what’s happened but it just hurts. I believed all he said for almost a year. How do I move on from that?

Like all his many words were just to get an outcome (moving in together basically, but potentially all the other stuff pp have mentioned) and now he isn’t getting that outcome it’s like none of that ever happened. I feel used, and duped

Yes, the narcissistic discard. Look it up - when they realise you’re not going to dance to their tune/have figured them out they drop you like a hot potato.

Not saying this to be hurtful but he’s possibly got other potential mums-who-will-finance-him in the offing.

Now you know he was just blowing smoke up your arse you can breathe a sigh of relief and leave some other poor cow to be duped by him. You’ve had a lucky escape op - be proud of yourself.

As I said earlier - look up narcissists/covert narcs - it’ll give you an understanding of what’s happened to you. Therapy will help if you can afford it.

I don't know.

In the past, when I've realised something about someone that wasn't very palatable, I've genuinely just made sure I learnt something from it so that it didn't happen again.

I've read around it (whatever 'it' is), strengthened my boundaries, found a positive - no matter how hard it was to do.

You can also be proud of the fact you knew it wasn't right deep down or you wouldn't have posted. You can also be proud of yourself for ending it so quickly.

You can be proud of the fact it was only a year when it could have been much longer.

Imagine if you'd moved and given everything up and were posting in a year instead wondering how on earth you had found yourself in that position and not being able to see a way out!

I'm not even going to call it a 'mistake' because you didn't do anything wrong. You haven't made a mistake. You trusted someone because you can the capacity to trust. You took him at face value because you have integrity and assumed he did too.

Life is a journey. This was one short year in the story of your life. And you can now sit back and enjoy the life youve created and all the security you've provided for yourself knowing that you have the strength to advocate for yourself and make good decisions for yourself.
It might not feel like it now but there are many positives you can take from this. If you choose to do so.Relax, take care and enjoy your future peace x

No.

@grannysmyth

You thank your lucky stars you saw through him when still a relativity newish relationship & before you made a life changing ( bad one ) decision .

I'm not even going to call it a 'mistake' because you didn't do anything wrong. You haven't made a mistake. You trusted someone because you can the capacity to trust. You took him at face value because you have integrity and assumed he did too.

This is true. Thinking like this helped me too. I realised it was good that I didn’t understand why he’d done that to me. Because he isn’t normal and I am (well normal-ish!) You will puzzle over it and feel hurt and that’s ok but don’t get too hung up and waste your time moping over him.

Block him everywhere and on everything- I found doing this helped me get over it that much quicker as I had taken control of the situation.

OP - you move on by figuring out what you want in life and how you may get there.
You said you want to have kids? - and you are in the age group where you only have a few years left. This needs planning…
Freeze your eggs? Go it alone? Etc.

Try to not obsess about what happened with this guy - you will never fully know or understand what was/is in his head.
He isn’t someone that is a long term partner material for you - or anybody really. Unless he finds a desperate woman who wants to maintain him as a kept man, just so she could have a man by her side.
He has written 10 novels no one has ever seen….
Yea…, right. Misunderstood genius he is