Page 3 | Would you leave it all behind for love

grannysmyth · 2024-04-09T00:36:25+00:00

There’s a long story behind this, but I am curious to know what you would do. if you had to give up your beloved little home, your financial security and comfort, the country you live in and have adopted happily as your own, for love - with someone who has demonstrated time and again that they love you and who you could see yourself having dc with, but who very struggles at times with their MH and is not well off financially - would you? For possibly true, once in a lifetime love? I am not sure how much I can give up for the sake of love. But I am in my late 30s with some terribly unfulfilling relationships behind me and I know I would miss him terribly. for various reasons, we cannot be together in this country and it is time limited. wwyd?

Meadowbird · 09/04/2024 06:24

Lion - that’s brought a tear to my eye, what a beautiful poem.

but OP he sounds awful!! Alcoholism and addictive personalities can be very hereditary and he sounds like he’d be a hopeless father. His reaction when you say no will be very revealing I suspect.

DrJoanAllenby · 09/04/2024 06:26

No.I couldn't be with anyone that had poor finances and then topped off with mental health problems that would be a massive no.

Bestyearever2024 · 09/04/2024 06:28

No

Don't do it

Ever

Neurodiversitydoctor · 09/04/2024 06:28

grannysmyth · 09/04/2024 02:44

I think the issues that concern me in no particular order-

Traumatic childhood (really bad DV) which has left him with diagnosed ptsd

He Is 5 years sober from 15+ years of alcoholism

He has a self confessed eating disorder (binge eating and anorexia) which sometimes relapses

Only one previous relationship, a long marriage that he left shortly before he met me, though I do believe they were both checked out for some time before

No children by early 40s, though he desperately wants them

Has 2 degrees but does not have a career in either sector and has previously only worked manual type jobs for any length of time - he’s super smart but I think he is a big underachiever. He says he’s not materialistic and prioritises family and life balance over a big career. But this is v diffferent to my exH where we both had good jobs and no real money issues

he is very emotionally intense, think tons of love letters, wanting to spend loads of time together, get married quickly etc. At times it is overwhelming and I question how it can be genuine- I’m just a normal person.

He is very controlled about things like cleaning and organising and I am more laid back.

With my ex I had a very comfortable life and no big worries but I think despite my love and tendernsss for this man our relationship could bring me new kinds of worries. Like having kids with a man without a career and decent earning potential scares me. And what if he relapsed into alcoholism or had a MH crisis… I don’t know if I’d cope. And I don’t want to resent him above all for having to give up my life that I generally love.

Wow that is an awful lot to take on, nevermind adding DCs to the mix, are you sure about this ?

BlastedPimples · 09/04/2024 06:35

No. Never.

You will get burned.

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 09/04/2024 06:49

He sounds like he has BPD, or similar. I know armchair diagnoses aren’t helpful but it’s something I have lots of personal experience in and all aspects of your description of him jumped out at me. I think if you move to be with him you will really regret it.

honeyandfizz · 09/04/2024 06:50

Not. A. Chance!

IDespairOfTheHumanRace · 09/04/2024 06:51

No! Just no! This man is a walking time bomb, just waiting to explode and blow YOUR life to smithereens!

And, in the kindest possible way, you sound as though you have a 'saviour complex'

bluejelly · 09/04/2024 06:56

Lack of career is problematic on so many levels. Jealousy is also a red flag. As is intensity as you describe it. It's unsustainable. Honestly, chuck this one back in the sea - don't settle for someone with so many negatives.

bellalou1234 · 09/04/2024 06:58

F

Gorgonemilezola · 09/04/2024 06:58

The more you expand on the relationship the more it becomes clear you should stay where you are.

Nevermindtheteacaps · 09/04/2024 06:58

No job?

Let him to move to you, but don't live with him until he is financially independent

Otherwise you're not a partner. You're a spare mum

jelly79 · 09/04/2024 06:58

Is there anything you are giving up permanently that you can't go back to?

Gwenhwyfar · 09/04/2024 07:00

ThisNiftyMintCat · 09/04/2024 01:49

Yes- you can always move back

Not to the same job. Unless you can get a sabbatical/career break.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 09/04/2024 07:02

ThisNiftyMintCat · 09/04/2024 01:49

Yes- you can always move back

Not always an option. If you have kids together you can get trapped their.

LeaveTheClocksAlone · 09/04/2024 07:02

Nope

MiltonNorthern · 09/04/2024 07:03

No no no no no. Just no to all of it.

zaxxon · 09/04/2024 07:05

I agree with PP who pointed out that he wants this all on his terms.

What has he offered you, other than the prospect of undying love? Has he said he'll make any changes (e.g get a job) to make your life easier? Any at all???

Ask yourself: do I respect him?

NoraLuka · 09/04/2024 07:06

With everything you’ve said about the bloke, the place you’d be moving to and your life now, definitely not. Having kids and moving countries are wonderful experiences but also very difficult and stressful at times, would this guy support you when you need it?

I write that as someone who actually did move countries for ExH. I was 21 then, and when we split up I had to stay in the country I moved to because of the DC. I’m still there now nearly 20 years later. I can’t say I regret it because I have the DC and I actually like the place I moved to so it’s not a hardship to be ‘stuck’ here, apart from everything that comes with moving countries like making friends etc.

Mistredd · 09/04/2024 07:06

grannysmyth · 09/04/2024 02:44

I think the issues that concern me in no particular order-

Traumatic childhood (really bad DV) which has left him with diagnosed ptsd

He Is 5 years sober from 15+ years of alcoholism

He has a self confessed eating disorder (binge eating and anorexia) which sometimes relapses

Only one previous relationship, a long marriage that he left shortly before he met me, though I do believe they were both checked out for some time before

No children by early 40s, though he desperately wants them

Has 2 degrees but does not have a career in either sector and has previously only worked manual type jobs for any length of time - he’s super smart but I think he is a big underachiever. He says he’s not materialistic and prioritises family and life balance over a big career. But this is v diffferent to my exH where we both had good jobs and no real money issues

he is very emotionally intense, think tons of love letters, wanting to spend loads of time together, get married quickly etc. At times it is overwhelming and I question how it can be genuine- I’m just a normal person.

He is very controlled about things like cleaning and organising and I am more laid back.

With my ex I had a very comfortable life and no big worries but I think despite my love and tendernsss for this man our relationship could bring me new kinds of worries. Like having kids with a man without a career and decent earning potential scares me. And what if he relapsed into alcoholism or had a MH crisis… I don’t know if I’d cope. And I don’t want to resent him above all for having to give up my life that I generally love.

No, I wouldn’t.
Love is an incredible thing but you have to make it work in real life too.

You would be getting on a train despite the fact that the tracks are clearly taking it off a cliff. You would be setting yourself up for heartbreak at best and poverty at worst.

Tarquina · 09/04/2024 07:06

Absolutely not!

Linedbook · 09/04/2024 07:06

He's asking an awful lot of you. What has he done for you/what is he giving?

The MH issues and lack of income make him a poor propsect, even without taking you away from you home, family and friends IMO.

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 09/04/2024 07:07

I’m really concerned for you that you’re even considering this man. Really concerned.

He’s a walking, talking, pushy, workshy, unstable, financially dangerous, alcoholic.

fevertotell · 09/04/2024 07:07

With all the updates you are posting I can honestly say there is not a chance in hell that I would give up my life and security to move with someone who seems so full on and mentally unstable as him. I agree he's love bombing you.

I'm sorry op but he seems to have lots of issues and you will end up miserable as he's not addressing some of them.

GreyCarpet · 09/04/2024 07:07

OP. I read your first post and thought, no chance. And it just got worse with every update!

Tbh, any one of those reasons would be enough for me to consider him 'strictly casual' for dating purposes if anything at all.

But to give up your life, your home and your financial security for him? Absolutely not a chance! Tbh, I'm not sure I'd do it for someone who didn't have any of those issues but someone who does? No.

You don't owe him.a relationship just because he wants one. Presumably, you have worked hard and created the life you have because that's what's important to you? It didn't happen by accident did it? So why would you give it up for someone with so many issues and who offers so little in return?

It doesn't sound like you love him. It sounds more like you're overwhelmed with compassion, a huge sense of injustice for him and a desire to rescue him from himself. Those are powerful emotions, yes, but are you really willing to sacrifice yourself, your own life and your financial security for someone who is offering so little in return?

It would be madness to do this tbh.