New partner uses foul language during sex

[Cynthia1957]

Feel a bit embarrassed sharing this but wouldn't feel comfortable speaking to friends about it.
Have a relatively new partner (6 months). All is good. But during sex he says the foulest words, especially when he climaxes. He also calls me some very disgusting names.
Is this normal? I'm not that experienced and I've never heard of it before.

It's something that some people do and enjoy as part of a kink but should NEVER be done without prior consent. Has he ever discussed this link with you? It's very poor boundary respect to introduce anything 'unusual' without prior discussion. Have you asked him what he thinks he's doing?

Please tell him if you don’t like that, it is something he has control over. As to ‘normal’, I imagine it’s some people’s normal, but that it’s not everyone’s cup of tea.

It doesn't matter if it's normal or not, are you happy to hear foul language and to be called disgusting names? I'm not, he would have been an ex after the first incident.

It's normal in that there's plenty of men who do it, doesn't necessarily mean he's a psychopath or anything.

But just because it's "normal" doesn't mean you have to put up with it if you don't like it. I don't mind the language but I would NOT accept being called names.

Edited because I missed the bit about name calling in my first reply.

I'd be the same. If a bloke was like that with me without prior discussion, he wouldn't get a second chance!

This reminds me of that Sex and the City episode with Charlotte and the swearer. "You fucking whore! You fucking cunt!"

Can you tell us what he says!?

It doesn't matter if it's normal, you don't like it. That's all you need to know. As it happens, it's not common imo, but I think some men think it is.

If you tell him to stop doing it, his reaction will tell you everything you need to know. Although, even if he apologised and stopped doing it, I'd still be troubled by the reasons he thought he could say things like that in the first place.

If you don't like it, tell him to stop. If he doesn't stop doing it, then dump him.

Absolutely. If he's in any sense respectful of you, he'll stop. Otherwise, if he can't, you have incompatible sexual styles, and as you (understandably) don't get off on being called foul names, that's the end of things.

I'm sure some women like it, but they're not you.

Wow, what a turn off! Sorry he's done that to you.

That's the kind of thing you really need a discussion about before doing, so the other person can consent or not.

It's a massive red flag for me that he hasn't checked with you to see if that's your kink too. I mean, who just assumes that someone wants to be insulted in the moment?? It's a very specific turn on after all.

Does he show any other red flags, op?

Yes this was what I was thinking. Charlotte binned him off sharpish if I remember rightly!

There is no ‘normal’. If you don’t like it, you don’t like it. So tell him.

Makes me wonder what sexual issues guys like this have. It's not sexual dirty talk imo, like using consensual power play etc. Just screams sexual repression, with a virgin/whore complex.

There's foul language describing the act, what you are doing.

And there's foul language aimed at YOU.

For me, the former is fine. The latter isnt.

I would've said the odd explicit word was quite normal during sex but I wouldn't expect to be sworn at or called obscene names without someone checking it was ok first. If you don't enjoy either, particularly name calling, please make sure to say, before you next go to bed, that you don't want to hear this again. It isn't a requisite for sex. I wouldn't want to hear this from a new partner either.

I'm amazed he didn't check with you that you were ok being insulted during sex.

This does not bode well for a future relationship.

Well, that's his 'thing'. You don't have to like it. You can bin him for it.

I don't think I could have managed not to laugh... drom a safe distance... and thrown him out the first time he did it.

But you might think differently. That's up to you.

Sorry, that's not to say it isn't normal if both parties enjoy it but you're not out of touch or whatever for being taken aback and not wanting to be sworn AT.

It may be his normal but you don't have to accept it as yours... Talking is necessary away from the bedroom in this imo. Porn gives lots of men a skewed view of sex and what women like /accept... Nothing wrong with telling him it isn't for you op.

For me there's a difference between explicit language in the bedroom and explicit and degrading language being used towards somebody in the bedroom.

People can like one, the other, both or neither and it's absolutely fine for them to communicate their lines. It doesn't matter what someone else enjoys.

It may be “his normal” and if he finds someone that likes it, good
but it’s not something that everyone would do or enjoy, certainly I wouldn’t
and I’m also surprised he didn’t checked it beforehand
just tell him you don’t enjoy it and find it a turn off, and if he cannot respect your boundaries- bin him

Eww it would be a no thanks from me

Is it towards you specifically or just bad language? Towards you is a kink, you're either in to that or you're not .

A man who called me disgusting names during sex is not a man I would be having sex with again.

This is probably porn influenced. I wouldn’t want sex with a man who has allowed international porn companies to shape his sexual tastes either.

JFC! Men insulting women during sex is now reframed as a ‘kink’ rather than rank misogyny.

Ask yourself who benefits from this reframing of gross sexism? It’s men, isn’t it? Doesn’t that cause you to pause and think?