New partner uses foul language during sex

[Cynthia1957]

Feel a bit embarrassed sharing this but wouldn't feel comfortable speaking to friends about it.
Have a relatively new partner (6 months). All is good. But during sex he says the foulest words, especially when he climaxes. He also calls me some very disgusting names.
Is this normal? I'm not that experienced and I've never heard of it before.

My whore rate is £500. Leave it on the table ... on your way out (forever).

Couldn't agree more.

Those sort of comments, normalising things which absolutely should not be normalised, remind me of the type of threads where the term 'cool wife' would come up. Essentially, a 'cool wife' would breezily assert that whatever was a dilemma for the OP 'absolutely shouldn't be a dilemma hun, because I'm fine with it!' There was a definite vibe of shaming the OP for daring to have boundaries the 'cool wife' deemed unnecessary / OTT / boring / vanilla. Fucking infuriating!

Tell him that needing to use deeply misogynistic and abusive language to get his rocks off has highlighted that he doesn’t need a girlfriend, he needs a therapist.

No, no, no, no, no. Absolutely NOT okay, not unless he'd discussed it with you and you were into being humiliated like this. I'd tell him and his misogyny issues to take a hike.

The same as you would if it was anything else during sex?

The boundaries of this are far more nuanced though aren't they?

A man suddenly strangles you in bed with no prior discussion or consent you shouldn't just write it off as "you need to tell him you don't like it because you need to learn how to have sex with him"

Some things, even if enjoyed in a some relationships cross a line which needs additional consent before engaging in them.

And the burden of communication should be on the one wanting to go beyond "vanilla" not on the one on the sudden recieving end of behaviour that they weren't expecting

And to be clear I'm not comparing strangulation with this language because the outcome of one is different potentially to the other, it (I hope) provides a very clear example of why additional consent is important and its not always just a case of the receiver being expected to say if they don't like it. They need to be asked if they do like it in the first place. The assumption should never be "it's yes unless someone says no", it should be "its no unless someone says yes".

Can I ask what it is you are referring to? What type of things does he say?

Name calling etc?

Good grief, why on earth was there a second time at all?

You are fully in your right to immediately kick him off of you and boot him out the door with an off you fuck.

Wow. That is fucking repellant. “Don’t ever call me that again you inadequate prick.”

And into the bin with him.

Not ok.

If language used during sex is enjoyed by both then fine. But I would hate. I would get rid and find someone who would not use that language.

It is disrespectful on so many levels.

It's just something he does is not good enough. If he respected you he would take on board your dislike and apologise and never do it again. However I would not be giving him a second chance.

NOPE no FUCKING way!! tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck.. and when he gets there turn left and fuck off some more. A life with this man will be terrible. It WILL spill out to every area of your relationship eventually. NOPE OFF THE FUCK YOU GO ASSHOLE!!

That would be a no from me!

It's not ok if you haven't specifically said its OK.

It's like a man putting his hand on your neck during sex. It's not ok unless you've specifically said its OK.

I don't mind dirty talk, within reason. But if a man just assumed it was ok, or ok every time we had sex, that would not be ok.

Your guy us a mysoginist who doesn't care about consent. That's fucking scary.

@Cynthia1957 oh, that's not great. I didn't think you were going to say that 🙈. Yeah, I wouldn't like that at all.

He watches way too much porn. If it was something you’d discussed and you liked, go for broke, do what you like, but the fact he thinks it’s okay to speak to you that way and to shout in your face is absolutely awful and there’s absolutely no chance I’d ever go near him again if I were you.

It’s a no from me.
He would have been out of the door within 5 mins. Blocked. Deleted.

🤣

He’s definitely replaying the porn he’s been enjoying. He wants to be the next Rocco Siffredi by the sounds of it.

Some people would love this but it’s not for everyone and he should have approached it with you rather than calling you a cheap slut during the act.

Well, only six months in and you know what he thinks of women. They are cunts, whores, cheap and sluts.

dump the porn sick life if misery waiting to happen.

WTAF! Bloody hell people have a weird idea of what's sexy. What a total turn off

100% this.

I truly don't understand why someone would go out with him again after saying this and doing this?

And you shouted back in his face

'your penis is tiny!'

'is it in yet?'

'I can't feel a fucking thing!'

Yes?

That’s so so grim. Honestly, I don’t think it’s normal at all, and compared to words that show happiness & appreciation must be such a turn off. It obviously isn’t very far from the surface.

A kink some like. Personally I find it disgusting and degrading. I say that as someone who is very open sexually, but being called disgusting names during sex would be a huge no - If anyone said that to me they’d be out the door in a flash.

Even if things were absolutely amazing in all other areas, I’d be reluctant to even discuss this matter and continue seeing him, I would just end it. It’s obviously something he’s into, a way he sees women, and I highly doubt he’d ever (long term) change that.

I’d dry up immediately if someone did that to me

Really?