If we had a baby, husband wouldn't want my mum to stay for a week after his paternity leave

[HallyBay]

I said to my husband that if we were to have a child, after my husband's paternity leave has ended and he's back at work, I would like to have my mum to stay for a week to help me. This would probably be around a month or 6 weeks after the birth.

I said that I would like this because it might be very hard in the early stages, and I would value my mum's practical support (she could do shopping etc). It would also be nice for my mum to get to know the baby. My mum lives the other end of the UK, so she can't just pop over for an afternoon. We have no other family near us.

My husband said he wouldn't want my mum staying, and sounded exasperated at the idea.

Can I ask - is it common to have a parent to stay for a while soon after a birth, to help out?

Is it at all understandable why my husband would hate the idea of this?

My mum is a helpful person. She is kind to my husband.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5021712-questions-for-those-of-you-with-really-decent-partners

But we so often see on mumsnet

"Did you not discuss this before you got pregnant?!"

I think op is being sensible to bring up her non negotiables before getting pregnant.

Yes, it's very common around the world.

My wife is due soon and her mother (who lives abroad) is staying with us for around two months.

It's going to be crowded but I know how important this is to her so I won't complain. Plus, the extra help and guidance will be appreciated.

If your DH has paternity leave from the birth I don't see the need to have to have your mum there and the end as well, but the idea of 'you just have to get what you want it doesn't matter what he thinks' is ridiculous

If the DH insisted his mum came to help out for a week after paternity leave ended there would be a riot

Tough one, I don't really like having guests so not sure I'd be keen for any guest to stay for a week, no matter how much I like them. So I see where your husband is coming from (if this is his reason).

Maybe just see how you go. I'm not a superhero/cool wife/in denial but I didn't need my mum to stay over. Yes it's hard at times but it also was fine. Don't overwhelm yourself before you're even pregnant thinking how terrible it's going to be and how you won't possibly be able to cope.

i think you ask: ‘why dont you want me to have support from my mum? Giving birth and having a newborn is a big deal for a woman.’
and then you add ‘I know you will split all the night wakings with me, but there’s more support needed than that.’ May as well make expectations clear!!

but, you aren’t pregnant. Consider your marriage more widely. Is it loving, balanced and fair? Is he, apart from that remark, supportive and committed?

Unless there's been a particularly traumatic birth/injury through delivery or ongoing difficulties such as a stay in NICU and needing help with other children, I can't see that it's necessary or helpful in the long run.

If you have a partner that will take a full active role and support you, I wouldn't move your mother in and potentially push your partner out. I'd find that quite insulting personally.

You need to work out your new life as a family together, without a third person upsetting the dynamic and potentially causing tension. And how will you learn and cope without your mum if you don't know anything other than having her there?

Of course different cultures have different expectations and normal practice, but it's not something the British tend to do by default.

Family are great to have around during the day, to watch the baby while you sleep, cook some food, make you a brew etc but it can be very stifling and intense to have someone around 24/7.

A compromise could be a couple of weeks staying in a hotel/air b&b so she is close and can visit like any local family will.

Perhaps the best approach is to suggest that you wait and see how things are when the baby’s here. You may have an easy birth, baby will be healthy and feed easily, etc. and you find that you can manage. Or you might be like me- hemorrhage, have to stay in hospital for a week and barely be able to get out of bed when you’re finally home. Then you’ll both be grateful for all the help you can get! You just don’t know until it happens.

This completely resonates with how it was for us, as a family.

@BruFord wise words

This.

also 😂😭 and to the pp

An extra pair of supportive, nurturing hands will be a blessing. Your DH has no clue how hard the first 2 yrs are. None.

Surely the answer is for your mum to stay elsewhere, help you in the day, but let you be a couple in the evenings?

The real danger of having mum coming in and taking over, is that it pushes the father away and prevents him from learning the skills and taking his role in parenting in those really important early days. And it kind of sends a message, in my opinion. Push him out of the way and tell him he's not needed at that formative time, and he's going to be less competent (because grandma will keep stepping in so he won't get the practice with his child) and potentially think that these things aren't his role, but a 'woman thing'.

The cultures where mum comes for months are the same culture where men tend not to see looking after a baby as their role, frankly.

(Also I'd have hated having anyone staying in the house for a week while my DH and I were trying to make sense of parenthood)

It’s very normal in both cultures and usually the reason is “your” mum is so they you don’t have to host and don’t feel obligated to talk or be fake nice or do anything. And hopefully someone who can anticipate your needs.

I do think it’s a bit shit for him to suggest you travel to your parents for newborn support.

if he doesn’t want your mother to help he needs to start saving his annual leave so he can take some extra time off.

Sorry haven't read the thread but yes,very normal DM came after DS was born and helped me in so many ways ( including bathing him and bfing.

This.

I don’t see how your own mum essentially acting as a mothers help would effect building your baby routine.

it’s so you can focus on your baby and not worry about laundry or food shopping or whatever else.

We are middle class white british in terms of culture.

My mum stayed with us for 2 months and I couldn't have done it without her after my EMCS. We have a small two bedroom flat and my DH sleeping daytime so it was challenging but needed to be done.

My Mum stayed for a week but this was week 2 and I am forever grateful for that.

I think you need to really find out why, is he is someone that always hates visitors? My ex was like that and was just a miserable bastard fortunately we broke up in my twenties, well I ended it.

My mum didn't stay and I don't know anybody whose did.

Of course there would be a riot if the DH insisted his mother went to stay when HE returned to work.

But if he was the one staying home to look after the baby, and the mother was returning to work then there would be no riot if he wanted his mother there to help him.

There's nothing ridiculous about the idea that she should get what she wants. The mother should of course get to decide what is best for her and the baby when she's the one who will be the one at home.

It's only a week FGS.

Not normal in my circle. Sounds like hell tbh. Last thing I wanted was my mother lording it over me and trying to take over.

Its VERY common and normal in my fairly middle cĺass circle. Parents esp. DM/GMs are v involved.
(The ones that were totally solo are openly sad they dotn have the same).
Some people love to have "their unit" and hate anyone else being about. culturally (my family is irish) i think thats weird unless you have no choice.

He is being ridiculous
Your first baby is like a bomb going off.
My mum basically lived with us for a month and actually only lives a 15 min drive away.

he should want you to have whatever you think you need to get through it with your mental health intact.

I also think his position is alarming/telling.

Is he going to have opinions on if you breastfeed or formula feed?

How does he expect.mat leave to be funded?

Who will do nights?

When will take time off if the baby is sick when you go back? (My DH and mum covered the first 6m and after that we take it in turns)

Will you be expected to go part time?

How will household chores be split onat leave and when you go back to work?

If he has any fucking hobbies like golf or dreaded cycling.. how will that look after a baby?

These dont need to be set in stone but are all worth discussing BEFORE you have a child...

My mum came all the way back from Japan when we had our first DC. She stayed for a couple of weeks after the birth.

DH didn't say a word about it, he just wanted me to be happy.

She actually helped us set up routines

I had my mum come and stay for a week after my husband went back to work. I'm while British, it's not a cultural thing, it's just a natural, family thing. I wanted her help and also for her to spend time with my baby. I think your husband is being selfish. Your mum should be invited to stay for a week even without a baby, when she lives so far away!