If we had a baby, husband wouldn't want my mum to stay for a week after his paternity leave

[HallyBay]

I said to my husband that if we were to have a child, after my husband's paternity leave has ended and he's back at work, I would like to have my mum to stay for a week to help me. This would probably be around a month or 6 weeks after the birth.

I said that I would like this because it might be very hard in the early stages, and I would value my mum's practical support (she could do shopping etc). It would also be nice for my mum to get to know the baby. My mum lives the other end of the UK, so she can't just pop over for an afternoon. We have no other family near us.

My husband said he wouldn't want my mum staying, and sounded exasperated at the idea.

Can I ask - is it common to have a parent to stay for a while soon after a birth, to help out?

Is it at all understandable why my husband would hate the idea of this?

My mum is a helpful person. She is kind to my husband.

Sorry am I reading this right? Your husband would prefer that you take his hypothetical 2 week old child on a long train journey BY YOURSELF rather than have your mother come stay in order to help you? This is wrong on so many levels. Don’t even get me started on the implication that he would happily wave off his brand new baby for what could be weeks.

After giving birth you and the baby should be his priority. Short of there being some sort of massive backstory involving why your mother cannot be under the same roof as him I cannot see what right he has to say that she can’t stay.

You need to set him straight right now and definitely before you get pregnant because once a baby comes you may well feel very fragile and too emotional to stand up for yourself.

If I am being generous I would say that maybe he hasn’t considered just how hard the first few weeks and months with a newborn can be. Even if you are not breastfeeding it is relentless - newborns cluster feed whether by breast or by bottle. Who is going to cook / clean / do the grocery shopping? Is he going to step up / hire a housekeeper? What if you have a traumatic birth or a section? Is he going to help for the 6 weeks that you cannot lift anything heavier than the baby? He needs to think about all of this ahead of time!

An ex of mine was often getting heated in discussions about hypotheticals. If it's common behavior, it's a red flag for me. Does this happen with other subjects, OP?

If your mother would be supportive and helpful, it's perfectly reasonable to have her come stay for a bit.

Realy dont think your mum is needed afterwards. You need to adjust to being a parent. This is your anxiety talking. You will have your DH for the first couple of weeks shopping can be delivered. You need to work this out together.
You may need your mum for emotional support but thats what your dh is for. Ots quite intrusive having an in law stay no matter how well intentioned.
It might delay your family dynamics and routines from coming together
Will he feel under pressure to look after you, baby and her putting additional strain on someone returning to work?

It is the most normal thing in the world to want your mum with you when you have just had a baby. Why doesn't he want you to have that support?

Because it would be a massive upheavals? And OP should have her DH and DM supporting her if that's what she would like.

Would he have just given birth in this scenario? If so it would be reasonable for him to want that support, and OP would of course want to facilitate that.

If that sounds crazy it's because it is crazy to suggest flipping the roles in this situation.

Yes, I think he'd change his mind pretty quickly when that sleep deprivation hits

I'd be very wary of having a baby with a man who thinks like this. It's all about his comfort, after you will have just given birth.

What else that would benefit you and your baby at this incredibly vulnerable time is not going to suit him?

So many times on here posters ask 'why did you have babies with this man?'. Taking this statement of his seriously, including the fact that he'd prefer you to travel to your mum's with a newborn rather than impact his daily life at all, may lead you to unpick what having a baby with this man might actually be like.

You've got a red flag here, OP, and you'd be mad to ignore it.

Your husband is an idiot.

Clueless, ridiculous, deeply silly.

Poor diddums. Having to look after people...

We expect so bloody little from men.

God forbid a grown ass man would feel pressure or experience strain returning to work. Meanwhile, a woman who might not get more than two hours of sleep at a stretch for six weeks - or might still be recovering from a cesarean section - is expected to do without the help of her mother, because a man can't cope.

Agree - I think it sounds perfect and if my mum lived far away it's what I would want. Probably for longer than 1 week (I had long pnd)

Yes, it is the normal thing that a woman's mother comes to help.

No, your husband's ideas here are not ok.

I'd go so far as to say don't have a baby with this selfish man. He's given you an insight into the kind of ass he is. Don't ignore that.

This.

If i has my mil to stay for 6 wks while i was adjusting to the juggle of being a new parent and retirning to work and supporting my partner i would be yearong my hair out

Its not normal behaviour either..
Just dont do it. Itll put a strain on you all rather than being helpful. Its a big bonding time between parents and chold. Dont allow a third into that

I didnt. I couldn't imagine anything worse...I also suffred from ill health at child birth i onoy wanted my husband and baby. My mum would have been too fussy and stressed me and my dh out. And shes lovely!

Tbh I alarmed that you're even considering a baby with a man who seems to have fuck all consideration for what you might need after just having his baby!

I'd probably want my mum around for several weeks! Obviously not everyone would but...

Op it's just so telling... it's one if those times where someone tells you loud and clear that (even during your most vulnerable time) your needs don't matter to them.

Do not have a baby with this...sorry but, jerk. Not now. Not ever.

What if you had a difficult pregnancy and needed your mum? Needed him to pull his weight more? To sacrifice in any way shape or form?

He's not going to. Because even during such a difficult time - it's all about him.

When people tell you who they are, ffs, listen.

My mum was there for first two weeks, cooked proper meals and helped round house

It’s weird that your husband would want to refuse you getting the help and support from your Mum when you may need it. Mine came over both times, stayed for a few weeks and was very much appreciated by both of us. I cannot fathom that your H would want to send you and your newborn away instead. Selfish, unkind and not a great sign of things to come

Don’t tell me, he has little or no experience with newborns? He has no idea how grateful he’ll be for some help from an experienced parent!

I had c sections with both and both babies were bad sleepers with reflux, and we found we needed an extra pair of hands from day 1 just from sheer exhaustion and to help me recover.

Our first baby was during lockdown and we broke the rules after a few days and MIL came to help as we were desperate. For our second baby, not just our mums but my brother and my friends all asked to come down and help too during the first 2 weeks, which made such a massive difference except for being a bit much for my 3 year old.

Your DH clearly has no idea what having a baby means, how exhausting it can be or what you’ll go through physically.

My mum is coming to stay for a month!!!

Seems we are all different and may depend on what baby you get.

Both my babies have been reflux babies and only slept when upright on someone or at least co slept. This can be common. It means there would have been little ‘bonding time’ between me and DH as we tagged teamed with looking after the babies so the other could get some sleep, meaning we are hardly saw eachother. A third person is a massive help.

Op please don’t listen to this utter rubbish.

If you trust DH to be reasonable I would wait until you are pregnant to decide. If you think he is going to be so proscriptive about what can and can't happen - well that's a different thing & for me the baby might be further off than he thinks. ( Assuming he wants a child)

THIS

Your husband suggested that if you want or need extra support with your newborn when he goes back to work that you should take your baby on a long train journey to stay with your mum, rather than have her visit?!?!?!?!

That is appalling.

(In the UK men typically get two weeks’ paternity leave - what makes you think he will still be off work a month after you give birth? It doesn’t sound like he’s likely to conserve all his holiday to stay home with you…)

I am REALLY sorry to say this OP, but your H and just showed you exactly what kind of a partner and father he will be when his needs can’t be put first for five minutes. (Clue: nowhere near the spectrum of good).

Many women do not get such a very clear picture of what the rest of their lives are going to look like before they are in the midst of a nightmare…

There is a thread on here right now asking people how they knew their husbands would be keepers. I suggest you read it and imagine if any of the posters on there could conceive of having such a conversation with their husbands.

Please don’t be fooled into thinking his stance is reasonable, or that it doesn’t reveal something much deeper about his attitude to his needs vs your needs. Please don’t be fooled into thinking he’ll have an epiphany/personality transplant if you actually get pregnant. Please read some of the many threads on MN in which women describe living with men who do so little to support them and their children that it might as well be nothing, while they expect their wives to facilitate their wants and needs at their own and their children’s expense.

You’ve made a mistake - this guy is not The One. Not your fault, it’s easily done. Your job now is not to get involved in “sunk cost fallacy” type thinking.

Escape so you are free to find a man who wants to be on your team for real.