If we had a baby, husband wouldn't want my mum to stay for a week after his paternity leave

[HallyBay]

I said to my husband that if we were to have a child, after my husband's paternity leave has ended and he's back at work, I would like to have my mum to stay for a week to help me. This would probably be around a month or 6 weeks after the birth.

I said that I would like this because it might be very hard in the early stages, and I would value my mum's practical support (she could do shopping etc). It would also be nice for my mum to get to know the baby. My mum lives the other end of the UK, so she can't just pop over for an afternoon. We have no other family near us.

My husband said he wouldn't want my mum staying, and sounded exasperated at the idea.

Can I ask - is it common to have a parent to stay for a while soon after a birth, to help out?

Is it at all understandable why my husband would hate the idea of this?

My mum is a helpful person. She is kind to my husband.

Well, for a start, I think unless your mum and your DH don't get on at all, I can't imagine why, if she lives on the other side of the country, a week long visit at any time wouldn't happen. My parents live on the other side of the world, as do DH's, and while neither of us are thrilled when we have to put up with each other's parents for longer periods, it's one of those things that we suck up for each other.

This statement x1000 after you've had a baby. I think those first few weeks post partum are one of those times where quite frankly, the father's views are pretty much irrelevant. I'm all in favour of very involved and dedicated fathers, but the reality is that giving birth, establishing breastfeeding or any sort of routine is physically and emotionally overwhelming for the mother. There are real, measurable impacts on her body, her hormones are all over the place etc and so quite frankly, her husband and other support people need to prioritise her over everyone else to start with.

Agree.

I'd ask, for example, what he thinks she will do with their newborn when she needs the toilet on the train. Whether he reckons she might struggle balancing well enough to sit on the bog as the train rattles away. What will happen if she has a CS and her stitches are still a problem.

And if he wants your DM in a hotel OP, ask if he's planning to fund that from his own personal spends or not.

I can't help wondering if he's also making statements like, "well, women have babies every day and just get on with it, why do you think you're special?" At best, he's clueless about how hard those first few weeks can be and how much support you will need. At worst, he thinks that you can just be a brood mare and should be grateful to be "allowed" to take maternity leave.

While you're discussing issues such as your mum coming to help, I suggest you look at finances, household tasks etc too because I'm guessing that I she's so against the idea of you getting help, he's not going to be super understanding in other ways either.

Why on earth should OP travel to the other end of the UK with a newborn to suit DH!?

OP you’re absolutely right to set up what supports you. Unless there’s a valid issue (DH & DM have history of not getting on etc) then it sounds like a lovely idea for you to have that help & company and for your Mum to get time with you both.

So your mum would only be coming after around a month / 6 weeks in? Not sure I see the point in that myself. You'll already have established a routine, hopefully by that point you won't feel so overwhelmed and need someone around all the time. I had twins and managed after 2 weeks paternity on my own, with a 3yo too. Sorry but I couldn't think of anything worse than another guest in my home when I just want to be with my baby and have my own space. And I certainly wouldn't force that on DH if he wasnt comfortable. You should be doing things as a team by then and DH should be pulling his weight, he wont be at work 24/7 will he.

No it's NOT normal having a parent to stay 🤷‍♀️

Most want to get into a routine as a family.

Well I come from a.large family and friends circle and am not aware of anyone's mum staying. I think you may find you might end up putting heads new baby and our mum's have there ideas. But I have a great mum but I wouldn't have wanted her to stay over after any of our 4

Once he sees how much work it is he might change his mind. My DH was always happy to have my mum round, but after my second was born he almost begged her to stay to help us!!!!! Try and explain the amount of work/ no sleep involved, it might help....

No I wasn’t really sure why you were thinking of asking her that far in. Usually that’s about when it’s all coming together and you are ready to start really enjoying the baby ( not fire-fighting nappies and milk supply issues, post birth issues etc). I’m guessing I’m giving DH too much credit by suggesting he might be happier about your mum coming if it was in the early trickier weeks?

I had a bit of a mental health crisis after my son was born and was with the perinatal mental health team.

I really wanted my mum to stay.

She stayed for 4 days after which DH said he was going to go and stay at a hotel because he couldn’t take it!

So she left.

She’s well meaning but quite involved which I think DH interpreted as trying to control him. That’s fair enough, but I wish he could’ve sucked it up for me.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Both our DHs were imo.

See I get on with my mum so so well but I wouldn’t even dream of entertaining this and I had 2 very stressful births. One ending in weeks of baby being hospital quite poorly: I think it’s ok to have help, god everyone needs it but not to stay in your home that long . Thats the time you need to get used to being a family x

I think you are right to discuss beforehand expectations around how the baby will be cared for - especially if you are going back to work

how does he feel about your mum coming to stay now? Does she tend to take over or is she generally laid back.

I have to say it would be a deal breaker for me if my parents were banned from staying a few weeks a year. Despite finding my in laws difficult I have never objected to them staying either.

I would be truly concerned if my DH reacted in this way. 1 week is hardly a long time, and if it helps you make the transition, it should be your choice. He is being selfish and controlling. I would hesitate to have a child with him if it is the way he reacts. So so entitled.

I can see both sides to be honest. I really wouldn’t have liked either of our mums staying for a week but then neither would my partner.

Your mum lives miles away though so it’s understandable she would want to come for a week at least and you feel you would like her there.

Could she maybe stay in a hotel so there is some time without her being there? She could stay for dinner and go back to the hotel after? Maybe you could say that you don’t want her sleep disturbed by the baby so that she’s bright and well slept in the morning to help out?

@TheBerry

I agree that there’s a huge difference if the Mum is ill postpartum-I was physically ill, literally too weak to get out of bed, and you were mentally ill. We both needed additional help and I’m sorry that your DH didn’t recognize this. 💐. My Mum passed away before we had children and to my surprise, my MIL offered to come-she’s hardly been involved in our children’s lives since, but she seems to love babies! I was so grateful as I ended up having to go back into hospital for further treatment after my initial discharge. Healthy DD (thank goodness) did a complete number on me! 😂

It was v. different when I had an easy birth with DS, I didn’t really need the help, but she came again just in case.
I asked her to focus on toddler DD as so she didn’t feel left out and that was great.

The crazy thing is that once my children hit 3/4, my in-laws lost interest in them. They’re only now regaining it as my two are older teens and they can treat them like adults. 😂

I would agree with him. Unless she's incredible and barely noticeable as a house guest, it is not going to be enjoyable.

No one helped at all when I had a baby, they came to see and cuddle my baby, no one so much as made me a cup of tea. So maybe I just can't picture having those people in my house for a week. Your mum might be a great help.

I don’t blame your husband really.

I would actually HATE for my MIL to move into my house for a week and I wouldn’t say yes to that.

Are you sure you want to start a family with this man? I spent a month with my Daughter after her c-section ( and other health problems) I visit every 2 months for 10-4 days. Sil excepts that this is how it is. I have my own room and wardrobe in their house so i don't have to have luggage on the trains. There is another thread on here about a husband that won't allow his wife's parents to stay but is happy to have his parents to stay, please read it.

It’s perfectly normal to want your mom to stay over to help, lots of people do. I didn’t want mine to do it because she’s hard work and extremely critical, but I did wish I had a mom I could rely on in that moment. If your mom is helpful and you’d like her to come and help, your husband should absolutely make an effort to understand your perspective.

@ladykale

Goodness you think a new exhausted mum should travel hours to keep a spoiled man happy? And give him a lovely break from parenting?

Unbelievable

If everyone could just stop focusing on the fact that they hate their mother in laws for 5 seconds ffs...

It's not about that.

If my wife had just had my baby I'd walk over hot coals barefoot if it was what she needed from me.

If your partner can't say the same then don't have kid with him.

Children are not a life requirement.
Many people are not parent material.
If your partner is selfish he isn't father material. Hell tbh, he's probably not partner material either. What if you ever get a lasting illness that requires care? And you need your mum there whilst he's at work?

He's told you he won't risk short term discomfort even if it causes you severe discomfort, stress or suffering.

Sod people like that.

I mean she lives at the other end of the country - when she comes to visit you does she not stay?!? Honestly getting worked up about my mum staying for a week when you’ve just had a baby would be a big old red flag for me.

If my wife had just had my baby I'd walk over hot coals barefoot if it was what she needed from me.

@Pinkbonbon I agree, that’s why I suggested that they adopt a wait and see attitude. They have no idea how things will go, I thought I’d be up and about the next day, not hospitalized for a week.

I know someone who had her mum to stay when baby was born as she was so nervous to be alone with the baby. She never learned to cope and, I’m not joking, her mum is still there and baby is 9 months old. She’s terrified to be left alone with the baby. You have to do it at some point so why not straight away. You’ll be absolutely fine, I assure you.

But it’s not just about helping. My mum lives close enough she doesn’t stay but it was lovely seeing her bond with baby and it was great having lunch made for me! Mil came for a week at 3 weeks and that was also to meet baby. Grandparent relations are so precious - I find it really sad when people try ans keep them at arms length