If we had a baby, husband wouldn't want my mum to stay for a week after his paternity leave

[HallyBay]

I said to my husband that if we were to have a child, after my husband's paternity leave has ended and he's back at work, I would like to have my mum to stay for a week to help me. This would probably be around a month or 6 weeks after the birth.

I said that I would like this because it might be very hard in the early stages, and I would value my mum's practical support (she could do shopping etc). It would also be nice for my mum to get to know the baby. My mum lives the other end of the UK, so she can't just pop over for an afternoon. We have no other family near us.

My husband said he wouldn't want my mum staying, and sounded exasperated at the idea.

Can I ask - is it common to have a parent to stay for a while soon after a birth, to help out?

Is it at all understandable why my husband would hate the idea of this?

My mum is a helpful person. She is kind to my husband.

Have you asked him why he doesn’t like the idea? Have you explained that you are anxious about being completely alone all day caring for a newborn once he has gone back to work? He’s not being very considerate to you here. What if you had to have a caesarean and need physical assistance? Is he happy to pick up all the housework and cooking for that week? Leaving you prepared breakfast and lunches each day? Could he take extended parental leave or unpaid leave to support you? If not then I don’t think he gets to tell you that you can’t have support from your mum.

Agree with PP it doesn’t sound like he has a clue about the realities of taking care of a newborn. Some people aren’t good at hypothetical scenarios though, he might change his tune if it actually happened. I would use this discussion to gauge: a) how much does he understand the impact on your lives a baby would have and b) how much he would truly support you if you were to have children.

Please listen to those that tell you it’s your choice - some will want their mums and others may not- but it’s not something your husband should have a major say in unless there has been a significant fallout/ you are NC with your family. The husband is not going to be the one still bleeding for days and days (yes even after the easiest, straightforward birth you still fill maternity pads like a heavy period for days), feeling like your bits have been shredded, sore and still healing, you’ll be exhausted from lack of sleep and generally feel like you’re getting over a car crash. Do you really think a man who tells you to take your newborn on a train to enable his comfort is going to be a true life partner in raising your future children? Someone who will truly share responsibilities, the ups and downs and the financial burdens? I have an amazing husband who is an incredible father to our children but even our relationship was tested when the babies were tiny and we were operating on minimal sleep. To me your husband’s attitude is a major red flag.

To be fair getting meals and laundry is a big part of it - and well done you because it would have made a big difference. Op’s situation is such that her mum is too far away to support in that way.

Me personally, I wouldn't be thrilled with MIL coming to stay in the early days after having a new baby, so I can understand how he feels that way.

My mum did come to stay for a week both times, but more around the 6 weeks mark as she lived abroad so needed to book travel in advance. It was okay when she (and her partner) stayed in a holiday let nearby. They could come for the day, but then go home and neither of us had to do any tidying, cooking, entertaining.

The second time around she stayed with us as no holiday lets nearby and it was tricky. That is probably more to do with the sort of person my mum is than anything, but I found it difficult and I was grateful to see the back of her after a week. I think it actually played a part in triggering my post-natal depression. That doesn't mean that's what will happen to you.

But all other things being equal, I can understand his reservations and it may be worth just waiting until after baby has arrived before you make any decisions, so you can see how you feel and what you need.

I would hate to have my mother, my DH's mother or anybody else's mother stay in the house to help for a week. I'm with your DH on this.

- I have no idea how I'll feel

Well exactly! Hence the pointlessness of the discussion when you're not pregnant.

As some others have said, it's important to have these discussions in advance. If we were to have a big argument about it when it happens and I post on here, many would be asking why we didn't discuss this kind of thing before pregnancy.

Neither set of parents lived anywhere near us. Mine came the week after and DH's parents a fortnight after that, mine stayed a week, DH's a bit less.

Whilst you don't know how you will feel, I personally couldn't have had a baby with someone who didn't want family to meet their new grandchild and to stay to help a while. The exception would be the kind of GPs that don't help and expect to be waited on hand and foot. I don't know any like this in RL but often read about it on here.

I'm very jealous of those who had their Mum stay for months! My Mum came for a week or two around the birth of each DC. She did all the cleaning and cooking for us, I think that's very normal (DH actually went to work while she was with us and took his paternity leave later when she had gone). Pregnancy, giving birth and then having a baby to care for is like being hit by a bus. You need your Mum to care for you so you can concentrate your energy on caring for your baby. And your DH needs to understand that, when he goes through pregnancy and giving birth he can have a say in who comes to the house to help.

everyone is different and copes differently! i didn't want visitors for weeks and we have managed fine, but my husband did the cooking even after going back to work and I've only got near tearing his head off once, maybe twice :P

If my mum was there, I was in such a mama-bear mode that I'd bite her head off too for offering me tea, so it was best to leave me alone 😂

but not everyone is like that and if new mum wants her mum with her then everyone else needs to suck it up

I am sorry but this is nonsense, why shouldn't OP have her mum to stay if she has a baby. My mum stayed for two weeks after my first child was born and I stayed with my DD after her child was born. Its very common and I think it is for the mother to say what support she needs.

100% this.
I'm surprised about all the posters saying why are you even talking about it now- because I always see people saying 'well what did you decide before having children'.
My concern here is that your DH doesn't seem flexible or willing to put himself out for you- and that could be a massive concern once you add children to the mix.

Also should you have to leave your house after having your baby and inconvenience yourself for some support whilst your husband basically gets to sleep in and basically be baby free?

that doesn’t sit right with me

If that's what works for you, OP, fine.
I myself wouldn't want my mother anywhere near my marital home, but that's another story.
Your husband needs educating, to say the least.

Maybe he thinks that looking after his wife and child as an equal parent is his responsibility? Not his MIL’s? That’s not being an ‘ass’ at all!

It wouldn’t be ‘normal’ in my family to have my mother come and stay. Me and DH are equal parents and that is the role model my kids have been brought up with. They don’t subscribe to outdated sexist notions where men don’t lift a finger and domestics are women’s work.

Even when I did have small children, it was my retired father who did a lot of nurturing and playing with my kids (and tidying up for us, mowing the lawn, taking out the bins etc in quiet moments) . Many men are capable and lovely.

What are you talking about, it's his house and he needs to feel comfortable having someone else stay. My husband and mum would kill each other if they spent more than a few hours together. It all depends on why he doesn't want her there.

People going 'you'll feel differently when you have a baby' or 'he'll just do what you want when you have a baby' - what the fuck!?

Op trying to be sensible discussing the "what IF' and people just gaslighting (intentionally or not) like their lives depend on it. It's cringeworthy. Shows how brainwashed we are into thinking kids are some sort of necessity.

'Just take an insane and unnecessary risk, go on!'

Things are NOT going to magically fix themselves if you have a kid. If anything, this guy will be even LESS supportive than expected because selfish people don't get less selfish when they are sleep deprived. Or when you are too busy with a baby to run around after them like they want anymore.

If I was being kind to him I'd suggest that maybe he's a total idiot and has done no research into how having a baby affects women's bodies, health ect...and what it will require from HIM. But that's best case scenario, ignorance.

My mum spent pretty much a solid month at ours when both my babies were born, and dh went back to work. Admittedly she didn't stay over as lives very locally, but I'm so grateful for the time she was here. It's very isolating having a newborn, even trying to shower and get dressed is so difficult, so having someone else to help was really great for me. And then with. My second, she'd take our eldest to the park/cinema/back to hers, or do thr nursery runs, so I could rest and wasn't stressed trying to do it all with the baby. Sometimes she'd even take both of them out for an hour so I could sleep! I would have found it much harder without her help. You're the one who's going to be stuck at home navaigating a while new lifestyle, while he carries on his usual routine at work, if you've got support available that's up to you to use it, not him.

Imagine telling the woman who is going to bare your children, that she isn't allowed to choose who her support network is, when you're at work and cannot support her?

Ask him what his alternative plans are for you to be supported in your own home whilst you recover from the birth and he's back to work.

I don't understand why he would want you to go to your parents with your newborn rather than your mum come to you. Obviously it's hypothetical now, but like you said in your last post, it's best to have these discussions now before the event than after.
I would say to him it is something you feel might help you and that you want it as an option. You might not need your mum to stay, but to be told you can't when he has gone back to work and you have to go from two of you with the baby to just you, you might feel overwhelmed. I know I did, but my parents were a 15 minute walk away.

Unless your DH is going to get pregnant and give birth then I think he's incredible selfish and nasty to you really to suggest he won't have a baby with you if you want your mum there after for a single week!

What a horrible man.

It's very sensible you're talking about this now and have exposed his disgraceful position on what support you get to get when you're a couple of weeks postpartum.

And he thinks you should get on the train at two weeks! Tell him what if you can't sit down at that point without rolled towels and continuously changing ice packs under you. If going on a train would mean using a public toilet where you have to scream in pain because of how much it hurts and need help sitting down, the infection risk because yeah, you're postpartum so high that you shouldn't be forced to use public toilets anyway. That you might be cluster feeding a newborn child and it's possible you won't want to do that in public.

Selfish selfish ----. You're right to discuss the situation now and perhaps you're better off having children with someone more considerate. If this is how he'll treat you when you are so vulnerable and have just undergone such an incredible risky life altering situation, pregnancy and birth, imagine what he'll be like when the child's a bit older and you're not as vulnerable. Or heaven forbid if you want two.

Presumably he wants that because he doesn't wish to have OPs DM in his home, And thinks that makes it acceptable for her to have to travel for hours on public transport, exhausted and leaking, with a newborn.

Presumably he wants that because he doesn't wish to have OPs DM in his home, And thinks that makes it acceptable for her to have to travel for hours on public transport, exhausted and leaking, with a newborn

oh I get that @Vod , I was thinking out loud when I asked the question. It's just odd considering op says her mum and dh get on and she is helpful. I guess the latter statement you made is something she has to put to him and see just why he thinks that's a reasonable thing to ask her to do.

So you grow a baby for 9 whole months and then give birth in order to give you both a child, but he can’t even suffer slight discomfort for 1 week?! Sounds like a great man to have a baby with.