If we had a baby, husband wouldn't want my mum to stay for a week after his paternity leave

[HallyBay]

I said to my husband that if we were to have a child, after my husband's paternity leave has ended and he's back at work, I would like to have my mum to stay for a week to help me. This would probably be around a month or 6 weeks after the birth.

I said that I would like this because it might be very hard in the early stages, and I would value my mum's practical support (she could do shopping etc). It would also be nice for my mum to get to know the baby. My mum lives the other end of the UK, so she can't just pop over for an afternoon. We have no other family near us.

My husband said he wouldn't want my mum staying, and sounded exasperated at the idea.

Can I ask - is it common to have a parent to stay for a while soon after a birth, to help out?

Is it at all understandable why my husband would hate the idea of this?

My mum is a helpful person. She is kind to my husband.

That’s great for you. You as the mother got what you wanted. Imagine if you didn’t want your mother to stay but your husband insisted on it.

the OP should also get what she wants….which is her mother? She will be the one doing all the work etc. she surely needs support in whatever way she wants …?

You're massively counting your chickens before they've hatched here. Relationship with parents often evolves in unexpected ways when you have your own child.

I'd find out what other aspects of childcare he has strong opinions on before trying to conceive, though. What else would he bar you from?!

On this point, neither of you have any idea what having a newborn is like and there's a wide range in how hard that experience is. If you wanted your mum there, he wouldn't get to insist you spent your days alone being screamed at so he could avoid the inconvenience of making small talk after work.

Your husband sounds a selfish arse. I wouldn’t have kids with him. Does your mother never come and stay? He sounds quite controlling.

@HallyBay why do you need someone else to help you. it is only a small baby. you dont need to do too much housework with a new baby. you will be fine without any more help

sounds all hypothetical, are you even pregnant? I can’t think of anything worse than having my mum stay, when I have my newborn this year

My mum came after my second child was born because first child was only 17 months old. I didn't find I needed help after my first child was born but everyone and every birth and baby is different. You are absolutely allowed to say that that is what you think you would need but he is also allowed to express a different opinion. My friends mum stayed in a Premier Inn near her daughter when her baby was born. She didn't like her daughters husband ( he's an absolute prat) so waited until he had gone to work ,helped her daughter all day and then went back to a peaceful hotel for the night. It worked out really well because the baby was a terrible sleeper at night and she could take over whilst her daughter slept during the day. Had she been sleeping at the house she would have been exhausted too. Could your mum do that

The op is expecting little....shes not allowing her partner to step up abd be a father and husband. Undermining him

I expect a lot ...i don't expect my mum to have to step in as the father of my baby is incapable

I'm stunned at the number of people in this thread who "couldn't possibly manage" on their own after two weeks. It strikes me as a bit pathetic.
I don't know anyone who had help from a parent living in when I and my friend's had our babies. And paternal leave was three days.

I offered as much support as my DD wanted when my little DGDs arrived, but she was fine and simply appreciated me bringing meals now and then, doing some laundry and occupying #1 when #2 was born.

It's like we've returned to Victorian days with women having fits of the vapours and needing looking after.

The idea of my husband fucking off to work leaving me alone all day wuth said baby and my hormones everywhere fills me with absolute rage

Fucking off? His leave has ended and presumably he needs to bring in the money to pay the mortgage. And you're raging?

He could go to his mother’s! He’s being an arse!

The last line of this is so heartening to read on MN. To the extent I wonder if its sarcastic (don't think it is).

I feel the same about most DHs I know, some are a bit more useful than others but most are at least willing.

However, if you feel you want your mum there, he should be at least open to that for a reasonable time. Tbh you may find you don't in the end. Having a baby was nowhere near as hard as I expected, and I was not someone who thought they were very maternal.

This is not the man to have a child with! He is clearly saying that his comfort is his priority and he won’t be inconvenienced. This type of thinking is rarely restricted to just one situation, it will be a pattern that will be repeated.

You asking the question if your request/ his response was normal demonstrates a dynamic in your relationship where your needs are secondary to his and that’s not a partnership.

It's the very best time to be discussing it. The OP is discovering that her husband isn't as nice as she thought he was.

Your husband does not have your best interests at heart. You really need to seriously look at this before you even think about having a baby with him.

So with DS1 I lived at home as I was young, so my mum (and dad) helped out a lot

DS2 my mum came to stay for 3wks (was meant to be 2 but my then 10yr old DS1 asked her in front so us if she could stay a 3rd week). Ex DP and I had to say yes, but 2 was plenty as when you’ve got people staying she can’t relax in the same way. Then the day after she left my childhood best friend came too, I want to say she stayed for a week, but maybe it was Monday - Friday. Either way it was way too much and I’m sure when she finally got round to having kids she probably realised it was way too much to ask to come and stay when someone has just had a baby. She also wanted me to go out for a drink one night, I had trouble bf DS2 and had to express for the first month so I’d literally just got him on the breast again when she came and I was cluster feeding him and not in a routine so didn’t want to go out! So we didn’t but I could tell she was bored.

DD -3.5yrs after DS2 we realised it was mad the whole situation with DS2 and wanted to avoid a repeat at all costs. So we told family and friends that we were going to go and stay with my parents so friends could also come and see new baby (they lived 250 miles away). So when DD was 7 days old we drove to stay with my parents. That did work better in some ways as all our meals were cooked, people could see baby but it meant we were delaying getting into a routine at home

I didn't have anyone come and stay with me; and I don't know anyone who did - both existing friends and NCT friends. We're a fairly diverse bunch, too, and plenty of us have spare rooms - it's just not really the done thing. Perhaps it's geographical?

A few of them have good support from parents now, such as childcare one or two days a week, but no-one moved in or stayed.

To be honest, I'd have hated that, and I was really worried pre-birth about all the people who said you'd "vitally" need your mum. I didn't. DH stepped up, as he should, and together we managed fine. And I had a category 1 emergency c-section; and breastfed.

That said, if it's something you really want - he should talk to you about it, and you should find a compromise that works for everyone.

I didn’t want anyone “helping” after the births of my three. I would have found it extremely stressful to have someone else in our home for any time at all.

I was very much in the mindset that I wanted to do it our way. The problem with bringing a mother in to help, is that they bring with them ideas that are 20/30 years out of date.

What definitely happens when you have a child is that all sorts of people rock up to tell you what you should or should not be doing. I had “advice” from both mothers, my older sister and my neighbours. When you are knackered and hormonal it’s the last thing you need.

We managed perfectly well without anyone staying. It’s not essential, or even desirable for some people. It’s not helpful for posters to say don’t have a baby with this man. There are other ways of doing things.

I didn’t have anyone stay with me, husband was back at work by the time eldest was 10
days old (c-section but ai found recovery a breeze) so it was just life as normal, the only pain being not being able to drive but we had a small supermarket a ten minute walk away
so was fine. 2nd baby came along 11 months later, again another c-section, husband took split paternity that tome
(took Nondays and Fridays off), he was back in the office 3 days a week when she was 6 days old. It was hard work having 2 but totally doable. You will be fine on your own but if you feel you need your mum them he should also be willing to let her stay

If you want you and your mum to be responsible for the baby, while he doesn't get too involved, then your plan sounds great. If you want a partner who accepts 50:50 responsibility for the kids long term, maybe not so much.

Your DH is a badden.
Is he always so utterly selfish?
It’s a special time, so you make sure your mum’s there.

I wouldn't have wanted my mum to come and stay, it would have been too intrusive. I would have been happy for her to stay nearby and drop in daily - could that be an option for you?
BUT I would also expect my DH to respect my wants and needs.

it is normal, but what's normal does not really matter - you need to figure it out for your family and there are a lot of factors to consider

ultimately you should have a final call, but consider the amount of help your mum would bring, including emotional support vs. amount of disturbance her presence can cause. Because those first few weeks are very much trial and error that you will need to figure out at some point anyway. Additionally, if your mum and husband are not fond of each other then the tension will be awful, especially with a baby crying at night.

My mother came to stay for two weeks after dh's paternity leave and it helped me a lot. We are very close anyway and she kept me company when I felt low and helped with the baby, the house, the cooking and laundry. My DH was very thankful of her.

Yes that’s true. There is a massive shake up to priorities and attitudes ahead. I remember hearing from a woman older than me that her mum had stayed for a month after the birth. I was shocked and asked how she put up with it. She looked at me like I was five and said : “ it was absolutely necessary. I wouldn’t have managed half as well without her.” Fast forward a few years and my mum was with us for quite a while. I forget how long but weeks not days. Your DH is getting the “ are you five?” look from me now. Your instincts are right. If you can have the luxury of mum , have it. It will help the whole household. Show DH these answers.

Thanks all for the comments about this.

In answer to those saying it might stop us getting into a routine - it would just be for one week, so i don't think it would?

Some have suggested that she could stay at a hotel nearby. It's an option, but although we live in London there aren't many hotels near us (we're in a suburb). The hotels and air bnbs seem to be at least £150 a night, and they might not be available at short notice because they're in demand. She could stay in a central hotel, but that would mean a long journey to our house. We have spare rooms in our house.

I realise that if we were to have a baby, I may not want any family in the house. But I might do - I have no idea how I'll feel.

Oh I’ve just realised you aren’t expecting yet. I suspect that’s the issue: see my post. Until you understand the ( perfectly normal ) physical demands of late pregnancy ( and even morning sickness for some) and actually stared down the barrel of parental responsibility with all its joy but also it’s all-consumingness, both emotionally but also on physical energy at times, it’s very hard to contemplate something as style cramping as mum in the house! Your priorities and perspectives change - for most couples this is during pregnancy but for some it takes the arrival to grasp the full impact of this tiny creature who will have your home revolving round it for at least a few weeks. He’ll come round to it when he realises he wants a hot meal, food in the cupboards and clean shirts! And no it won’t stop you getting a routine because baby routines change constantly in the early months anyway as their sleep routines and feeding routines naturally alter.