If we had a baby, husband wouldn't want my mum to stay for a week after his paternity leave

[HallyBay]

I said to my husband that if we were to have a child, after my husband's paternity leave has ended and he's back at work, I would like to have my mum to stay for a week to help me. This would probably be around a month or 6 weeks after the birth.

I said that I would like this because it might be very hard in the early stages, and I would value my mum's practical support (she could do shopping etc). It would also be nice for my mum to get to know the baby. My mum lives the other end of the UK, so she can't just pop over for an afternoon. We have no other family near us.

My husband said he wouldn't want my mum staying, and sounded exasperated at the idea.

Can I ask - is it common to have a parent to stay for a while soon after a birth, to help out?

Is it at all understandable why my husband would hate the idea of this?

My mum is a helpful person. She is kind to my husband.

Just tell him it’s what you’ll need after giving birth and once he’s gone back to work, and it’s not negotiable. Unless the fucker wants to try to give birth himself? Then he gets a say about who helps out afterwards.

In other cultures this is completely normal, but are you British - maybe that's why I'm not sure.

Why don't you go to your mum's instead if he doesn't want her to stay?

I didn't want MY mum to stay when I had first child until they were born when I wanted my mum. I also had this weird instinct (proven right since) to not have his family there either. Flip it on its head- would you want his mum staying for a week? Your reaction might help you see where he's coming from. Why not agree to discuss nearer time?

It had my mum.
However if I were told my MIL were coming against my will after a baby I simply wouldn't conceive the baby.

It all depends on the relationships of those involved.

The new mother needs support from nurturing people who don’t stress her. OP for you that is your mum and you have every right to have her there.

Yes, we are British.

It would be a long train journey to go and stay with my parents, and with a newborn that might be difficult? I don't think I'd feel confident enough in the first 2 months.

.... my husband did suggest this though.

It does seem pretty normal for Mothers to stay.
Would DH be more relaxed if you arranged for his Mum to stay after yours has left?
Personally I much preferred getting into the new routine with just my LO and not worrying about hosting anyone else. Make sure DH knows he'll be expected to do more supporting when he gets home from work if your Mum isn't around, but in fairness most DH's I know can't wait to throw themselves into life with their new family.

It’s very normal - of course not everyone would or could but it’s pretty normal. If he thinks your mum coming to stay is going to be the big change and shakeup in your lives, he can think again - it’ll barely touch the sides! It’s not going to stay “normal” and no amount of his pretending will make it so.

OP - I don't think you need to be discussing/arguing over it atm. Are you trying for a baby any time soon?

Your H is being naïve (at best) or an idiot (at worst). He has no idea what it means to have a child, and how daunting/hard/scary/tiring early days with a baby can be. When they say - "it takes a village" - it's based on generations of experience. And that is what grandparents are for.

However - it's a pointless conversation before there is an actual pregnancy and baby. If/when that time comes that you do have a baby - it will be up to you to decide what sort of help you'll need. And - unless he decides to take a lot more time off work and help you with night feeds, and everything else that you'll need help with - he does NOT GET TO DICTATE how you get through those difficult times.

What I found in those early weeks is that you and your DH need to pull together and find a routine to get through the sleepless and fraught nights together. A third party, however benign, upsets that dynamic. You need to bond as a family.

Parents are good in the day to help with chores, morale and a bit of respite but I wouldn’t have wanted any of them through the night during those raw, precious first few months.

Not everyone is comfortable with house guests. Add a new baby to the mix and guests can feel extra intrusive.

There is no right or wrong answer here. Where you see support, your husband might see himself being pushed out of an active parenting role.

you can likely find a compromise here. Would he be happier if the two of you put your mother up in a nearby hotel? Would it work better to know that come the weekend she will depart, so perhaps 5 days instead of 7?

At the moment he can't see the benefits but he might think differently when faced with the reality of life with a newborn.

Your Mum coming to stay could allow you and your husband to spend some quality time together again as a couple, go out for a meal maybe.

I agree with your H. You need to settle into your new routines and work out how to be a new family by yourselves. Having your mum in the house for a whole week at exactly the time he goes back to work is going to interfere with that. It’s like pushing him out from parenting times two.

If you’re struggling later and need help, that’s different. But you won’t know whether you can manage if you don’t try. I was actually desperate for everyone to sod off and let me learn to be a mum without an audience.

Of course you want your mum to visit her new grandchild, but not for a whole week and not with that timing. I’d suggest a couple of days while he’s still on paternity leave and then a longer visit once you’re settled into a routine.

My mum stayed for 3 months. In that time, I didn't even turn my stove top on. My mum was the biggest help to us, from school runs, cooking, support, helping us with the night wakings, ensuring we all got into a good routine, stocked up my freezer for the next 3 months, list goes on. But we are clearly from another culture.

It doesn't matter what others do, this is about you and your husband both frrling comfortable with an arrangement.

So talk, explain what you think it'll be like and why you think your mum would be great. You sound like you have very little confidence in your abilities, you will be fine but see what you can do to feel more confident in yourself.

Do think about the practicalities of having a houseguest. Could you definitely sit with baby while she takes direction from you on what you want doing? Are you sure she'll be supportive rather than instructive? Will DH get enough time to bond with the baby if your mums around?

Just talk all this through and find a middle ground.

"if we were to have a child"
Are you actually pregnant?

Seems a strange thing to be disagreeing about if you're not expecting a baby

my parents stayed for 2 months both times after I gave birth. If they didn't I would have hired a live in nurse/nanny. You really need all the help you can get in the early days.

@Appleblum many new parents cope without having extra people in the house. There is no way we would have wanted my parents or in-laws staying for months. As others have said you and DH need to find your own routine.

However, as your DM too far away to come for a couple of days, is there a compromise of her staying in hotel/B&B so can be around when DH is at work but leaves you two together when he is back from work?

What exactly is his problem with this ?

Ha I remember thinking I wouldn't need my mum. Then baby was born and she arrived. If husband would have dared to spout anything he would have been out the door before her. A (good) mother's support in those early days is invaluable.

He'd rather his wife get on a train with a newborn and he not see his baby than have his perfectly ordinary MIL to stay????

You need to tell him that when you give birth and afterwards what is important is your physical safety and health and your bond with your baby. If having your mother stay for a week helps you then he needs to suck it up. This isn't about him - it is about you and your newborn.

My first birth my parents came to stay for the first couple of weeks. After they went home my dh asked my wonderful MIL to come and stay for 2 weeks - I had a very hard labour and recovery. We were in a tiny 2 bedroom apartment so having people to stay wasn't ideal but I needed it.

I'd like to think he just hasn't realised what giving birth and having a baby means - how shattered you might be, how needy a baby might be, how much a woman might want her mother with her at that time.

“OP - I don't think you need to be discussing/arguing over it atm. Are you trying for a baby any time soon?

Your H is being naïve (at best) or an idiot (at worst). He has no idea what it means to have a child, and how daunting/hard/scary/tiring early days with a baby can be. When they say - "it takes a village" - it's based on generations of experience. And that is what grandparents are for.

However - it's a pointless conversation before there is an actual pregnancy and baby. If/when that time comes that you do have a baby - it will be up to you to decide what sort of help you'll need. And - unless he decides to take a lot more time off work and help you with night feeds, and everything else that you'll need help with - he does NOT GET TO DICTATE how you get through those difficult times.”

This. It’s clear from posts above that it’s not what everyone would want but it’s pretty normal. And I think you - as the one in the relationship who would have carried the baby and gone through labour and would likely be bearing the brunt of the childcare (especially if breastfeeding) - get the final say on this. My mum came to stay for a week and at an earlier stage. She was a huge help. You certainly don’t need to have a routine in place first - you don’t know when that might happen.

Your mom would be such vital support for you.

I’m forever grateful for the support I had when I had my baby.

You'll want your mum there from week one let alone week 6