If we had a baby, husband wouldn't want my mum to stay for a week after his paternity leave

[HallyBay]

I said to my husband that if we were to have a child, after my husband's paternity leave has ended and he's back at work, I would like to have my mum to stay for a week to help me. This would probably be around a month or 6 weeks after the birth.

I said that I would like this because it might be very hard in the early stages, and I would value my mum's practical support (she could do shopping etc). It would also be nice for my mum to get to know the baby. My mum lives the other end of the UK, so she can't just pop over for an afternoon. We have no other family near us.

My husband said he wouldn't want my mum staying, and sounded exasperated at the idea.

Can I ask - is it common to have a parent to stay for a while soon after a birth, to help out?

Is it at all understandable why my husband would hate the idea of this?

My mum is a helpful person. She is kind to my husband.

My husband said the same - that he wanted to enjoy our newborn bubble with no guests… he called his sister on day 2 desperate for help! I’d had a c section so I was barely up.

This time, with baby 2, my mum will most definitely be staying with us, overnight, for the first 5 days! After a c section, I couldn’t cope without her. My husband tried his best, but this time, with a newborn, toddler, and incapacitated wife to look after, we just need more hands on deck! I would push for all the help you can get.

Is he your boss? Does he get to lay down the law in your household? Because if that's the case I'd be dumping him and never having a baby with him. WTF?

I'm not native British (originally from eastern Europe) but have lived in the UK for 15 years and a lot of the answers on this thread explain so much about why mothers in England struggle so much. Why would you not want the help? Why the stuborness to do it ALL alone? It's not normal.

Growing up, I had a multitude of relatives take care of me and my parents. The whole family rallies around a new child.

It did not make my mum an incompetent anxious mother as some here have suggested.

And who gives a shit how comfortable DH is with his MIL. Did he give birth? No. Is he breastfeeding round the clock? No. Is he bleeding 24/7 and wearing diapers? No. Most reasonable caring men understand that.

The weeks after giving birth are precious and so vulnerable. You have to recover and establish breastfeeding. My mum is coming to cook for me, do laundry, clean my house because my sole job is to take care of myself and a newborn, nothing else. DH's job, in that short term, is to go to work and pay the bills.

Of course the help will be welcome. Do we need the help? No. Will it make for a much easier transition for us? Probably yes.

I wouldn't have wanted that because as much as I get on with my mum, I basically sat on the sofa eating biscuits whilst constantly cluster feeding at that stage. It was fine but I didn't need an audience.
There wasn't much mess in the house because that's a toddler's job. DH picked up the food shopping or we went together. It was also mid winter so quite nice to just snuggle in, not worry about broken sleep etc. DH also had about 5 weeks combined annual/paternity leave so I was quite ready for some time on my own!

Op I think that’s totally acceptable she lives far away, it wouldn’t be easy for you to visit her and it would be a great help for you and being in your own home would allow you to start getting into a routine with baby.

when my husband went back to work my mum lives round the corner and she came to help all the time, she was a god send, I had post natal depression and was recovering from a c-section and I honestly don’t know how I’d got through it without her… she was also the one to realise I had post natal depression. It’s also just great to have that person there who’s been through it, who knows all those feelings and hormones swirling around inside of you.

I’d be saying to your husband, you understand it might be annoying for him however it’s something you feel you need and your mother lives far away so it also makes sense. At the end of the day it’s only a week.

Tell him it's not negotiable

Well right now its all negotiable as the baby isn't even conceived and he has to actually consent to the creation.

That is completely practical and it is only a week.
You should ask your parents to stay every three months for a week so that baby does know them. What would you do if you and DH were to die?
You need to be sensible, responsible and kind.

Your husband sounds mean. It is fine to complain after a bad experience but in your case you should be entitled to have your parent's help and company for a short time.

How is not having your mum around living with you for a week causing you suffering, severe discomfort and stress.

It’s perfectly reasonable to not want an In law to move in.

Staying for a week is hardly moving in. She is still a guest

ultimately OP it depends on what your mum is like as a guest

Maybe because you can't move because you still have stitches in your fandango and they've been acting up. Maybe because you've had 2 hours sleep and are frightened to lie down incase you can't wake for the baby. Maybe because you need to just get the fuck out of the house for 5 minutes headspade but can't because you're alone with the baby screaming.

You seriously can't think of ways why you might be in serious pain or discomfort with a new born baby and no one else around to help take care of it for 10 hours out of the day?

One weeks visit isn't moving in. If a woman has your child, suck it up buttercup and put up with the mother in law for a bit.

I wouldn't worry about it too much until you are actually pregnant/baby arrival is imminent, he will probably change his mind as your mother may help with lots (things he would have to do were she not there) I didn't have my Mum to stay but she is local, and she came round daily to help with cleaning, washing, cooking, take baby out so I could get some sleep (I bottle fed) etc...

I’m expecting our first baby and dh said he wouldn’t want my mum staying to help. I said I understood but I was concerned - my mum lives with my sister and her family so was always there as a hands on support when my sister had her babies.

Weirdly, a couple of weeks later he came to me with plans to redo what is currently his office into a spare room - I asked why and he said, “In case you do need your mum when the baby gets here, we’ll have everything ready at short notice.”

So he’d clearly gone off and thought about it on his own. As a result we’re not planning on having mum come to stay, but I also know it’s an option if that’s what I need, which feels like the perfect outcome to me.

I think that some fathers who have to work ft and therefore spend less time with their baby struggle with feeling like a third wheel or second best parent to their own child. Having another adult around in the early weeks can make them feel even more useless and for some families it’s a pattern that’s ingrained (so many “silly daddy can’t dress the baby 🙄” memes).
my husband was a superstar in the first two weeks he was off and the following weeks when he was at home. I think after 4-6 weeks when we were both more secure then we’d have taken any help we could get. And the 3mo sleep regression time.

Absolutely face palming with the 'just do it and see' replies.

So many women on here feeling trapped in shit relationships here because they're desperate to 'keep their family together for the kids'. Now we know why there's so many - This ridiclious, and prevailing 'just have kids anyway and hope for the best' mindset. Even though there's red flags waving in the wind.

If you're advising op this way you need to take pause and ask yourself - why. Why do you think a woman should put herself in such an incredibly vulnerable situation?

Is it because you think women need to take massive risks because having children is some sort of happy ever after end game? Or is it just that you think women needs always have to come second to men's? That we should just settle for sub par? Or heaven forbid, that a baby would fix a man's selfishness?

Because all of these ideas are ridiclious.
And frankly horrifying.

Yet here about a third of you are giving it 'just go for it'. Holy hells! Stop! I don't want to be on here two years from now when a potential 'he said he'd step up to parenthood but he didn't, I feel so trapped' thread from op hits the forums. And people asking op why she took such a massive risk when they see her posting history (Umm, maybe because some people told her to just go for it and see!).

You say he "sounded exasperated at the idea". Not "he was exasperated" but "he sounded exasperated". This suggests to me that a) he is not explicitly saying what feelings/issues he has and b) you are not asking?
If you find out what the issues are, that will make a much better basis for sorting them out than getting us to guess the issues and propose possible solutions.

It really depends on the person, I had 3 children one after the other and done it myself. I’m a very independent person though and luckily managed the children, homework etc on my own. But if you’ve got the offer of help and you feel it would be nice there’s nothing wrong with that.

id be horrified at my mother in law staying too lol however it’s good you’re having this discussion and I don’t think it’s unreasonable if you feel it would help you for him to put up with it for a week.

Sometimes it’s personality ! I had 3 children one right after the other. I had two of them with c sections. I had no help husband straight back to work instantly as self employed.

I genuinely didn’t at any point want help, I got on with it cleaned house sorted kids got us up off and out to where I need to be.

To this day I’ve never had babysitters either they’re at school while I’m at work.

Equally there are women who have 1 or more and really struggle and need lots of support. That’s fine too because everyone is different and need to do what suits them.

So it’s not always stubbornness at all some of us are just super independent and other people being there would actually cause me stress as opposed to helping me.

• housework and forgot to say none of my friends had their mum stay. But yours does live far away so I get it would make sense.

@Beyondconfused24 I get that but that was your preference. All I am saying is that this woman has stated her preference to have her mum's support for a week and given how much she will have gone through, she is perfectly entitled to access this help and her DH does not have the right to block it. And I expect other women who have been through it to support her in that view rather than make a point of how she's some kind of weirdo for wanting her mum over. For a week. After birth:

It's a week. I've had friends stay longer than a week.

Daughters are forever, sons take a wife, go stay with mum if he doesn't fancy it.