If we had a baby, husband wouldn't want my mum to stay for a week after his paternity leave

[HallyBay]

I said to my husband that if we were to have a child, after my husband's paternity leave has ended and he's back at work, I would like to have my mum to stay for a week to help me. This would probably be around a month or 6 weeks after the birth.

I said that I would like this because it might be very hard in the early stages, and I would value my mum's practical support (she could do shopping etc). It would also be nice for my mum to get to know the baby. My mum lives the other end of the UK, so she can't just pop over for an afternoon. We have no other family near us.

My husband said he wouldn't want my mum staying, and sounded exasperated at the idea.

Can I ask - is it common to have a parent to stay for a while soon after a birth, to help out?

Is it at all understandable why my husband would hate the idea of this?

My mum is a helpful person. She is kind to my husband.

It's personal choice. I'm a solo mum and my mum announced ahead of time was staying for a week after I had my dc. I wasn't enthralled at the idea but she said that she was there to look after me while I looked after the baby. She did all of the cooking etc. considering we always clash, that week we did not. But until you are at the point of having you baby there is no need for discussion. By the time it happens you may feel differently but also your mum might not be able to help for whatever reason.

This is not a man I would ever entertain starting a family with. Yikes.

It doesn't sound like he fundamentally has your best interests at heart. He is only thinking of his own preferences, and not your needs. And he definitely doesn't sound like a mature, committed and dedicated family man if he's suggesting waving off his wife and (hypothetical) newborn to take a long solo journey, just because he doesn't want his MIL there and isn't willing to put your/the baby's needs before his wants.

Having babies and raising children is HARD. You also don't know what other circumstances will arise that will make it harder. E.g. I didn't know that I would have an autistic child or a child with ADHD. I didn't know that I would suffer crippling PND for the first years. You have to roll with the punches. And it's hard, even with a spouse who is equally as selfless as you, equally as committed as you, equally as "in" as you are. I can't imagine trying to do this with someone who lacked emotional maturity or the ability to make even small sacrifices for the good of the rest of the family.

It might seem silly to argue over a baby who isn't born yet, but this is the time to ask very serious questions about the kind of coparent and father this man will be. Because once you've had a baby, you're stuck with him.

You'll be the one who has given birth and if you want your Mum there for help, support & to just see her, then you tell him that's what would be happening. Why would he be so against you needed & wanting this support? She's your Mum & you'd like her there, that should be enough. And definitely DO NOT take a very young baby on a long train journey - that would be completely unnecessary & not fair on either you or your baby. It sounds as though he has absolutely no idea what having a baby involves and how natural it is for many, many new Mum's to want their iwn Mum's there to be with them in the early days. Do what you need gor you and the baby.

I'm not sure you know what you want till you are dealing with the reality. I'm sure I would never have wanted my mother to stay, mainly because she would have stressed me out.

Do your mum and DH usually get along OP? 6 weeks is a long time so you need ti say what sort of relationship they have. Also it's your house too and this could be a red flag with your DH!

My mum lived some distance away and came to stay with all three of my children - I’m Yorkshire in terms of culture if that helps ;)

I found it really helpful, so did my DH. I would wait nearer the time to decide - maybe ask your DH what part of your mother staying he find’s disagreeable and look at ways to minimise this. My mum was too busy washing, cooking etc to interfere - and she looked after me, making sure I rested and ate regularly. It was lovely to have safe adult company too. By safe I mean someone who I could be myself with and talk to about anything.

When my son and DIL had our first DGC as I lived close so could go round whenever they needed me. Sometimes that was every day - but always several times a week. Sometimes I would stay to help out others just on the doorstep to handover a cooked meal or shopping items needed. In both cases parents we’re grateful for the support and say it helped them get through what could have been hard times

Oh did he indeed? He sounds selfish. Frankly, he will be a spare prick at a wedding when it comes to pregnancy, labour and birth and he needs to realise that you are the one that needs support and frankly, what you say should go.

TBH it would be my idea of hell to have my mother stay to help with the baby. So it's really ncie that you have the sort of relationship where you might want her to.

But your DH lives in the house too and may want some privacy so i would consider how his relationship with your mother is as well. Is there a risk that he might feel isolated and left out while the women 'get on with it'? I have extended family where the mother and daughter are thick as thieves and the grandmother is exceptionally hands on and the father is pushed out and feels frankly resentful about it. It can be a risky dynamic.

Agree that this is a weirdly detailed hypothetical discussion. He'll feel differently when you're actually having a baby and you'll get to do as you choose. But I wouldn't be getting into it all now when there's no baby, no paternity leave and no reason to be disagreeing over it.

My mum and dad both came to stay for almost a week when both my dd’s were born. My dh has a great relationship with my parents so that obviously makes a difference. I loved it. They would cook meals. Tidy up. Run me a bath and mind the babies, they never overstepped or took over at all but having them there was what I needed and my dh respected that. I think a visit of around a week or so is reasonable but a month is maybe too long, dh may feel as though he’ll be pushed aside.

You will need the help, if that's what you as the mother want, tell him stop being so selfish! Wtf is wrong with some men??

Do the long train journey and stay with your mum. A long train journey isn't like a long car journey. You can walk around a bit, hold the baby e t.c.

This. You've not had your baby yet, you might want your mum, you might not want her. Is there an option of her staying locally in a hotel or airbnb? She can then come to you during the day and go back on a night so you and DH get time alone.
Some of the posts on here are bonkers, it's enough to put anyone off having a baby.

many women find those first months with a baby immeasurably hard. The idea of my husband fucking off to work leaving me alone all day wuth said baby and my hormones everywhere fills me with absolute rage. He won’t understand now, perhaps he never will. A husband does NOT have equal rights to say what happens in a home after the birth of a child. Some rights, yes. Equal rights, no. And it’s not about right anyway. He should be wanting to support you as much as he can. And a week is nothing. I can’t believe how selfish he is being tbh.

Could she stay in a nearby hotel/ Airbnb so that she’s close enough to pop by everyday whilst your DH is at work but isn’t staying with you the full week? This is what my mum did with my siblings who have had babies and what my friends mum did too. When I’ve got a to visit my siblings in the early weeks of having a baby I’ve also always stated in a hotel too rather than with them like I usually do, I thought that was usual for relatives who live too far to travel for the day in a house with a newborn.

I certainly didn't need any more support than DH once he was back at work, and that was with a difficult baby. But he was fully on board outside of working hours, doing the bulk of the housework, half the pacing the floors with a crying baby etc. I was breastfeeding so he couldn't do feeds but he insisted on doing every nappy change when he was home. Stuff like that.

So if he's on board I agree you won't need your mum. And I hated house guests or being a house guest when mine were babies - awful knowing your baby is disturbing someone else's sleep!

BUT if your family is at a distance, then he needs to accept that they'll need to come and stay occasionally. What's the dynamic now? My family are 2.5 hours away, pre DC we visited them all the time but now it's so much faff we only go a few times a year and they come to us.

So it's not so much about help and more about keeping in touch with family IME.

Why don’t you pay for your Mum to stay Airbnb in the same street, next street? That way you all get a bit of downtime. When I had my first child my Mum came over every day for a week, arrived about lunchtime, did a few helpful things around the house, spent time with baby, cooked an evening meal for us all and Dad picked her up around 7pm.
I don’t live near my grown up children but plan to stay locally when they have babies so I can be on hand but not in the way .

Why would you not be confident about getting a train? It is just having a baby. It is grand. Don't worry yourself before it even happens.

By coincidence my MiL was staying when I had DS2 (he was early she wasn't expecting to be here). She then stayed for a month after the birth, longer than DHs paternity leave.

At the time I wanted more privacy but with hindsight I look back with great fondness at the time. She lived over 500 miles away and she was a great help especially with my older toddler. It allowed her to build a great bond with both DC. And she absolutely adored being involved - she had been a nursery nurse and had worked when her other DGC were born so hadn't had that time with them. I'm really pleased it worked out like that even though it wasn't what was planned or always the easiest - especially now she is no longer with us.

You wouldn't have tried to look after your own baby yourself, and hired an employee to move in and do it with you?

Yes everyone needs an extra pair of hands, a supportive shoulder, a listening ear, someone to cook a meal sometimes... but to go to the extend of moving someone in for weeks or months is crazy to me.

People have babies all the time and putting aside disabilities, illnesses and birth trauma, all manage to cope looking after their own baby.

@HallyBay how is he regarding input to household tasks at the moment? Does he clean, cook or wash clothes?

I don't like the bit were he thinks you should take a long journey on train taking his two-week old baby and stay for an unstated period. It just stinks of someone who views the baby and all responsibilities that come with it as being yours. It just all just smells of a possible future post where he's declaring he only agreed to babies to please you or one where you have several children are doing "everything" and he has a very important job. (Or both.)

What's his view on paternity leave? That he'll be looking after you or that it's time off work to get "things" done and leave you to it?

As for having your mother stay, that's your choice. She lives far away so she has to stay. My mother also lives far away but I didn't have he stay as I wouldn't be able to tolerate it. But I don't like my mother's company. However if I did my husband would have just sucked it up as after birth I'm the one in the most need of support not him, so the decision about that goes in my favour.

(As it happened my MIL came around daily - lives near - she was marvellous and I wouldn't have had it any other way.)

In many other cultures it is absolutely normal for new mothers to have live in family support for weeks/months. My Pakistani friend had an older cousin come and live with her for months. I myself wanted daily support for the first 3 months or so

I think it’s brilliant that you are discussing it before OP. Gives you both the opportunity to see how the other feels and what you both want. Also gives you the chance to see who your husband is.

He appears , from your post, to be someone who puts his own needs and wants before yours. So now you know and can decide based on that.

You have a DH problem.

If anyone tried to dictate whether or not my mum could help post birth they’d be gone tbh.

I would have hated that! And I had 3dc all by c section and DH was back at work when all of them were 3 weeks old.

So, it's not normal to me & I wouldn't have wanted it or done it. I have a great relationship with my mum but would not want her staying with us, not even for 1 night.

So I agree with your DH