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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Told I'm a terrible wife

224 replies

yoyo456 · 15/02/2024 22:58

First time poster but want some feedback on a conversation I had with my DH.
Today he said that I was a terrible wife and when was the last time I did anything for him?
We have 2 DC of which I do 90% of the care. Youngest is 18 months has never slept through and I do 100% of night care.
I do all the cooking , cleaning, laundry and child admin whilst trying to hold a down a full time quite intense job.
When I challenged him on the comment that I don't do anything for him, he said being a mother is completely different to being a wife. But my argument was parenting is a job for us as a married couple so with me doing the lions share allowing him to work the hours he wants and do all his social activities (a lot of golf and football) that should count as me doing things for him. He completely dismissed this.
Yes I accept since children came along our lives are very different and I haven't organised surprise weekends etc but I still buy him little treats and always put his hobbies first. I accept I'm completely shattered so maybe I am neglecting some of my wife duties, but isn't parenting a big part of it??

OP posts:
Lesina · 15/02/2024 22:59

what does he do for you?

HellonHeels · 15/02/2024 23:05

He's a prick.

And he's neglecting his duties as a husband.

LiamNeesonIsADerryGirl · 15/02/2024 23:05

To me that's a round about way of him complaining he's not getting enough sex without him coming out and saying that directly.

PaminaMozart · 15/02/2024 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MumDaisy1980 · 15/02/2024 23:09

How dare a husband say to a wife like that. If he is that great why not ask him find a better wife.

leaving you a chance to find a better husband , and irritate him by saying a better step dad that’s better the dad. See what he say!!

Historygirl91 · 15/02/2024 23:13

He’s an arsehole. So you hold down a full time job, do all the housework and childcare and he has time for hobbies? Do you have time for hobbies OP? He’s a man child. Please try to stand up for yourself, I would be furious.

SatdayHatday · 15/02/2024 23:13

So what is it that he is lacking from you? Has he said or are you failing to be a mind reader as well

beAsensible1 · 15/02/2024 23:17

Do you think he is failing as a husband? Or do you think do the link share of parenting and household is a good balance for your relationship?

does he just want more sex?

bossybloss · 15/02/2024 23:18

Is this the 1950s???

barkymcbark · 15/02/2024 23:19

I'm presuming he takes you away for a surprise weekend, maybe books you into a spa day with a friend whilst he takes the kids off your hands for the weekend. Or maybe he comes home with flowers and chocolates, runs you a bath and cleans the house whilst you have a soak?

Or maybe he's a selfish arse who needs to get his head out of the 1950s and actually treat his wife with some care and respect.

You reap what you sow!

cestlavielife · 15/02/2024 23:19

do all the cooking , cleaning, laundry and child admin

Why?
Why does he not do any?

Mumof3confused · 15/02/2024 23:20

WTF

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/02/2024 23:20

Sounds like it’s mostly or all about sex.

Stop putting his hobbies first, why are you doing that?!

PeggySooo · 15/02/2024 23:22

Tell him you'd have time if you weren't doing two people's job whilst he goes to do his hobbies. Cheeky prick

StarTwirl · 15/02/2024 23:32

He sounds like a misogynistic old fashioned pig

Like he just wants you around to bend to his every need and will

Cook, clean, sex, shop and look after his DC

It's 2024 you can leave him

Relationships these days are all about being in a team

If you're not in it together then WTF is the point of wasting precious years of your life on a this lifestyle

StarTwirl · 15/02/2024 23:35

Pack your bags and go and stay with friends and family for the weekend or longer

Leave whilst he's still in bed or having a shower

And then he'll see how much you do

If he's really nasty to you about this then it's a dead loveless relationship

If he's kind and apologetic and gets it and changes then you've got something to work with

StarTwirl · 15/02/2024 23:41

And on top of everything you are working a full time job

You deserve more support and kindness

YorkshireDweller · 15/02/2024 23:53

If he doesn’t know what you do for him, show him by stopping all of it immediately.

Fucketyfecketyfoo · 15/02/2024 23:59

Sooooo many men. He is pissed off about sex or blow jobs.

PickAChew · 15/02/2024 23:59

Yo need to start doing a lot less for him.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/02/2024 00:06

Op just stop doing all the things you do for him. I mean it all of them. Including being free to look after kids when he has hobbies - just leave the house before he does.
He will soon realise how much you do.

SquirrelsAssemble · 16/02/2024 00:24

he said being a mother is completely different to being a wife

He's not wrong. And being a Father is completely different than being a bloke with no kids who fucks off to golf and football without a care while a partner without small kids arranges a surprise weekend.

What a nobhead.

No suggestions, other than stop pandering to him as he very clearly doesn't appreciate it. Let his clothes stack high.

Dery · 16/02/2024 00:56

As PP have said - what’s he doing for you? How come it’s all about him? Why is the parenting not split 50/50? They’re his children, too. Have you pointed out that if he stepped up in the home and with the family, you’d have more time for him? That said, a decent man wouldn’t need this pointed out. He sounds like such a selfish, entitled prick, your love for him must be rapidly dying.

ATerrorofLeftovers · 16/02/2024 01:07

"Oh darling, I've been thinking, you're so right, I don't do enough for you. There's just not the time with the job and all the running around after the children. I've been neglecting you and it HAS to change.

So from tomorrow, I know you will want to be doing half the housework and childcare, to free time up for me to do thoughtful things for you. You can start by getting the kids up, breakfasted and dressed in the morning and then drop them to school/nursery. Don't forget which ones have PE and who needs a recorder in their bag and a snack for after school club. Then you can order little Johnny's new football boots and make that dentist appointment for Ella.

The car needs to be booked in for its MOT and you need to think about what to get for dinner, as I'm out of ideas. I'm sure you'll come up with something yummy you can whip up for us all. While I remember, we're out of olive oil, so pick some up when you shop for the dinner items. Don't forget to check if we need top ups of breakfast items, milk or fruit. Oh, and if you see the dog licking her stitches, put that collar back on her.

I"m going to spend the day thinking of where to take you for a treat next month. I can't wait to find out where you're taking me, now we're being more thoughtful to each other. Byeeeee!'

Guavafish1 · 16/02/2024 01:10

You need better communications. Both of you need to actively listen to each person's problem