Told I'm a terrible wife

[yoyo456]

First time poster but want some feedback on a conversation I had with my DH.
Today he said that I was a terrible wife and when was the last time I did anything for him?
We have 2 DC of which I do 90% of the care. Youngest is 18 months has never slept through and I do 100% of night care.
I do all the cooking , cleaning, laundry and child admin whilst trying to hold a down a full time quite intense job.
When I challenged him on the comment that I don't do anything for him, he said being a mother is completely different to being a wife. But my argument was parenting is a job for us as a married couple so with me doing the lions share allowing him to work the hours he wants and do all his social activities (a lot of golf and football) that should count as me doing things for him. He completely dismissed this.
Yes I accept since children came along our lives are very different and I haven't organised surprise weekends etc but I still buy him little treats and always put his hobbies first. I accept I'm completely shattered so maybe I am neglecting some of my wife duties, but isn't parenting a big part of it??

For what it's worth, they probably won't be childfree for long, and then he's got another 18 years of parenting ahead........

Do you think he feels left out? If you do the lions share of childcare then he's presumably not as involved or as close with the DC. Then he doesn't see you v much as you're occupied with them. So he's kinda left out...

I genuinely think both parents are happier when they split the childcare and have equally strong relationships with their DC. Otherwise you're setting up one parent to be lonely in their own home. Can you speak to him about this and suggest splitting the child care, splitting the nights & building up his relationship both with the DC and with you.

It's about sex isn't it. Snore. Men are so fucking predictable and boring sometimes (often).

Even the bible suggested giving slaves Sunday off. Did you not notice he was a useless husband & father after the first child or is this a recent development?

I fully agree with what schoolsuczk said.
I wish I had posted this question and received this reply a long time ago.
I was encouraged by exH to continue to work full time (I was the higher earner) while being responsible for everything in the house and for everything for the children (since diagnosed with adhd), all whilst being too tired to keep up my friendships and too busy to take care of my sleep/ health. That’s the daze schoolsuczk mentioned.
My attempts to get exH to pull his weight were ignored.
Admittedly I did have help in the house and with the children but even then it was very tough, especially as we lived far from my family.
Everything went pear shaped health wise, probably due to the stress and exhaustion and I’m still paying the price several years on. Don’t get to that stage.
I recommend the Lundy Bancroft book too.

Love this!

This is appalling. If there is a genuine issue with someone's behaviour etc then you discuss it rationally (not easy in my case, I take criticism really badly from men, because well...men) But he needs his head wobbling to say that.
I know for a fact that my dad was jealous of the attention my Mum gave to me when raising me single handed. She even mentions it now how he felt like that, 43 years later. But it's not OK to have those feelings and not repress them. Jealously is childish and destructive. It's His and your child. It's like 'You are jealous of your wife parenting your own baby, while you do no parenting?' Women do not need to hear this or experience this, no matter how it makes men feel.

I get this too; I don’t work though but I have 3 children aged 7, 4 and 2. I still breastfeed our youngest and only stopped feeding our 4 year old a year ago. All the house work, laundry, cooking, night wakes, early starts (4.30am!), family admin, food shopping etc etc is left to me. He works a manual job and is self employed, however he NEVER works a full week. He does the childrens’ bath (which is every other/every 3rd night), whilst I’m downstairs gathering water bottles/vitamins/nappies/cleaning the kitchen etc. but he will still get super stressed with the bath and shout out that I need to do it sometimes as it’s so stressful for him! I am EXHAUSTED, but still get accused of not doing anything for him/putting him at the bottom of my lists of priorities if his laundry hasn’t been put away/washed or whatever. If I ask him to, I don’t know, respond to one of the kids that’s desperate for his attention, he’ll play the “I’ve been at work all day, I do a manual job” card. He doesn’t even care to listen to or to understand the continuous job that I do, that I never get a break from. Even when I go to bed I’m 99% of the time sandwiched between my 2 and 4 year olds! 2 year old wants feeding and 4 year old wants my arm around them the whole night. You can only imagine the aches and pains I have all day every day as a result 😂 But, he wins. He has a manual job. Nothing I do can compare and I’m still a shit partner that does nothing for him…..😫 No advice, just sympathy. We need to run!

Is this about... sex? Yawn. Tell him you've been thinking about taking a lover and persuing him through the courts for 50/50 childcare arrangement. Prick.

I'm memorising that for later use!

Great. So you now have "more confidence to stand my ground if a conversation like this arises again".

Why are you so passive???!!

Can you stand up for yourself and start exercising your power? Stop doing everything and start prioritising your own needs.

Sadly, though, I fear that this marriage has no future - because your husband is a selfish git, and he wont change. In your shoes I'd start preparing to divorce. You can do this now, or 10 years from now, when you'll be ground down and totally exhausted.

Whatever you do, please ensure you don't get pregnant, and look after your finances.

You really do need to run, your partner is a total asshole. He can do his own bloody laundry, what a man child. He should be embarrassed.

My husband works full-time, two contracts, so longer than normal hours, and still does half of the housework and parenting. My husband would put your man child partner to shame.

You deserve to be treated better. Know your worth.

Yep, he thinks he's not getting enough sex. What else could it be? All his other needs are being met, it seems. His food is bought, prepared and served for him, clothes are laundered, house is cleaned and the children organised and taken off his hands.

What do you get? Seriously, he sounds like a terrible husband.

Yep he is basically saying he isn’t having enough sex.
but of course why should he given he is an awful husband - why are you doing everything to enable his golf and football what does he do for you

I know, I really do. I just can’t get my mind straight to action it right now, it’s a long process. I’m also terrified of my children hating and resenting me when I do make the leap. But I know it’s in their best interests too, I’m just terrified of the years it could take them to realise that. I feel like whatever I do, it’ll be wrong. Without a support network too, it’s definitely going to be incredibly hard!

Why are you doing all the domestics, parenting AND working too and he's off playing golf? The division of labour in your house is completely off; yet he still wants more from you?!

How dehumanising for you.

I would go on strike, don't cook for him, do his laundry, pick up after him;

I can't believe women still live like this.

He sounds pretty awful. What a horrible thing to say to a spouse. I'd never say something like that to my hardworking husband and he'd never say it to me. Total lack of appreciation.

He works long hours, does he? Is it longer hours than your full time job plus providing all the childcare/childrearing?

Please stop making excuses for him. And don't just try to sweep this under the rug. He has no appreciation for 'womens work', which is why he doesn't care that you do the bulk of the domestic tasks. Confront him and make sure he doesn't come out with this bullshit, rather than waiting for him to weaponise this line against you again.

Since we don’t have enough of your husbands pov we can’t give an honest opinion. But it sounds like you are doing way too much. I’m guessing you’re not in the mood for sex with all that. Ask him for help and be specific. Then show him appreciation for any effort in order to encourage him to keep helping. With men if they feel criticized or attacked they go into defense mode and need to win. If you approach it from a place of open hearted need they are much more likely to want to come to your aid. Also sometimes making the first effort to do better even if you feel it’s not fair can be helpful

Bless you. You sound like you are more than capable of making the best decision for you and your children. Please do make your own post here on MN when you're ready for some virtual support and help with figuring things out. It's always really difficult to make the decision to leave a partner (I've done it myself in the past), but once you do make that decision, you have to trust in yourself that you are making the right decision. As long as you show your children love and happiness, then you're doing your best, try not to stay in an unbalanced and unhappy relationship out of fear of your children's reactions. Their mum being happy, valued, and respected is the healthy environment in which they need to thrive. Wishing you all the best x

Oh op that sounds like you are going to carry on working yourself into the ground while only able to dream of having a fraction of the time he has to do hobbies etc, or him having a fraction of the workload you do at home plus your work. You really shouldn’t just carry on.
lets revisit the basics- he works long hours. Does he need to? Would it kill him, would it really be career suicide to come home early twice a week, wave you out the door to relax, and do dinner bath bed? Does he earn 5x what you do that there is any justification at all for his hours? If he says they are just that inflexible, what if you suggested he change jobs then? If my Dh said I have to be at work 7-8pm every day so I won’t be able to contribute at home, but I’ll still fit in footy and another hobby, I’d have laughed and he’d either have said haha just joking, or we’d be divorced. Id expect him to tell work I can’t do that or look for another job, as he has responsibilities at home that those hours aren’t compatible with. You are worth respect and effort here too, not just him.

I agree with what most people are saying.

The absolute mostliest most generous interpretation is that he is (very clumsily) trying to express that some of the communication/shared closeness in your relationship is disappearing in the whirlwind of work and childcare. In which case I would actually try to sort out marriage counselling (or ask him to). Even if that is overly generous (likely) I think marriage counselling would be a good idea - without it things are going to get worse as he feels more hard done by and you get more tired (and resentful). But it needs to be both of you committing to work on things, not just you "shaping up" on your wifely duties. And yes a big part of that would be him helping out more at home and being less of an entitled douchebag.

And if he's resistant to any sort of marriage counselling or actually putting in effort himself to improve things then...

I was told years ago by a very wise woman that home labour or 'women's' work is the most undervalued, unrecognised form of labour there is.

Throw in full-time paid employment, you are en route to burn out. Your pathetic H should be supporting you and doing his share in the home. Not complaining about his needs/wants not being fulfilled, the selfish fucker!

Your life would be easier in many ways with him gone. You would not have the stress of dealing with him in the home and the resentment his selfishness surely inspires.

If you can financially manage and handle the children solo, tell him to leave. I do feel it better in many ways, for couples to split, when the kids are very young as they seem to adapt better. Likely because they don't have the understanding as to what's going on and they forget early memories. Two homes become the norm.

Alternatively, if you don't want him to leave, use the energy spent on him to devote to yourself and let him get on with it-he will anyway because he prioritises himself solely. You could try marriage counselling too, I suppose.

💐

Tell him to crawl back under whichever 1950s rock he came from in the first place

If he works very long hours but spends his free time on his hobbies instead of with his wife and children, then I promise you, he is awful.